Adventures of Hazel Cade

Hazel Goes Abroad

2012-01-11T23:31:00.000-08:00

I have officially spent my first week in Okinawa which was a blur of jet lag, Japanese characters, and the typical endless check list a new duty station requires. I'll have to start this chapter by recounting my first cultural experience looking for an apartment with my roommate.

Mickey was an 80-year-old real estate agent who called me for a showing. We knew we were in for an experience when we stepped into her car which was completely plastered in knick-knacks and beanie babies taped to the dash, random trash, & remains of spilled beverages hosting a small family of ants. She ran around the car in her leopard-print heels to elevate her past her 4 ft 3 in stature to take off for the "mansion" she wanted to show us. Mansion in Japanese seems to translate to cement ghetto, wood-paneled apartment with a hand sink in the shower and lights that have been turned off. On to the next place.

We were driven around for about 25 minutes before she understood that no, we were not in the navy, and no, we did not work at Torii Station. The 2nd location was a miraculous change from the "mansion." A beautiful sea-side duplex with a large balcony on a quiet street. Before we made any decisions she had already determined we were destined to live there, took down the for rent sign, and called the owner to come join us. Deciding to entertain us in the meantime, she demonstrated that she was a dancer, a singer, and got down on the floor to show us she could do half of a backwards somersault and touch her toes. Last night she insisted on taking us to dinner, and I believe we may have been invited to her son's wedding. Favorite Mickey quotes:

To gate guards: "I have pretty girls in car. You see? No you come closer to look!"
On the recent show she attended: "I didn't know. Was strip show. These guy- much bigger than men here."
On us liking her origami plastered office: "you like? It's okay. I make house decoration for you."
On marriage: "my husband, he ask me for money. he have extra, give back to me. this happy marriage."

slow your roll

2011-12-12T19:05:00.000-08:00

"there is a world of difference between being offensive and saying something that offends...the man who makes a racial slur betrays something ugly in him. The friend who says you've had too much to drink spares you something ugly in you." - John Eldredge, Beautiful Outlaw

And so I sat willingly tonight with the guy who's willing to hold up the mirror to who I am. I've created another romantic disaster, and I'm at a place where I'm so wanting to change and stop making the same mistakes. No more carnage. I'm terrified of the havoc I might wreak in Japan, surrounded by Marines and fighter pilots.

So I got this advice:

- back off-- too much enthusiasm and effort scares guys away

- don't be so harsh-- my rough, critical edge are too abrasive

- communicate-- say exactly what you want and expect

I'm only spelling this out because I want my friends to hold me to this. Please hold me to this.

soldiers don't cry

2011-12-09T05:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Ulysses S. Grant- I have failed to live up to the family name today. I've put on the game face for the gas chamber, the great heights obstacle course, water survival, and NIC at Night. But the clinch drill did me in today.

This drill involves going up against an NCO who will punch you until you get them in a clinch (hold). Somehow I got paired with the meanest/most aggressive NCO out of the 16 who showed up to the fight house. He punched me in the nose right off the bat. I never achieved the proper clinch. I got off the mats & started crying. I had never been punched in the face before. Not fun. Now I am humiliated & not looking forward to returning to class today.

I got an email from a female in the unit I'm going to. She says there are very few females and they are "butchy and rough around the edges." I'm screwed. Must dig deep and find a way to man up.

Later today-- Found out I was only one of 7 struggling to keep my composure. 2 guys got broken noses. Everyone has to call in tomorrow to verify they don't have concussions. The NCOs running the event got in trouble for beating up on us.

mending fences

2011-12-07T16:39:00.000-08:00

I feel compelled to mend U.S. fences before I go reek havoc on Japan. Sometimes I feel like a relationship special needs child who learns SO s-l-o-w-l-y. Maybe I should have joined AA just for the general life wisdom of making amends. I found myself sending messages today to the guy who spread untrue rumors about me at OCS, the guy who cheated on me here and let his new girlfriend be mean to me, and my estranged sister who I haven't spoken with in years. Maybe all of this will whittle my pride down to a more manageable size. Maybe I'll just feel more at peace if I let things go. I've always been championship grudge holder, so feels totally reckless. God grant me the maturity not to care when they don't respond.

miscommunications

2011-12-06T18:53:00.000-08:00

My little niece got the grand notion at Awana Cubbies last year that Santa is our intermediary to God. She's got big plans for leaving letters under the tree for Santa to deliver to the Big Man, The Boss, the Grand Gifter. My sister is alarmed at the theological accuracy issue, but I think Summer's imagination is well-placed. I understand her.

I have my own communication gaffe this week. I posted a facebook message about my weariness with guys into strippers and cheating. Now my main group of guy friends is very offended since they went to a strip club this weekend. They took it as a public insult to them. They're not open to the idea that there were other events and conversations over the weekend that didn't involve them. They don't understand why their perviness weirds me out. But are the hurt feelings worth it since one of them started wearing his wedding ring again? I will take one for the team.

They say as a female in the army you have to play the role of the slut or the bitch. I think I'm currently pulling off prudish ice princess.

Lonely Chicago Pie

2011-12-04T12:16:00.000-08:00

Did you see the movie, "The Waitress" with Keri Russell? She baked life-inspired pies which have been on my mind. There was, I Don't Want Earl's Baby pie, I Can't Have no Affair Because it's Wrong & I Don't Want Earl to Kill Me pie, & Baby Screamin' It's Head Off in the Middle of the Night & Ruinin' My Life pie. So I found myself in need of my own concoction today.

I'm getting ready to leave the country shortly and am bothered by the trail of destruction left by my dating disasters. So it was time to bake Lonely Chicago Day of Reckoning pie. I emailed Jordan and told him I told him I loved him and wished him a whole lot of luck in his career. Then I baked. Take one pre-fab pie crust and bake it brown. Cook chocolate pudding on the stove. Add crushed up berries for sweet little memories, throw in a handful of cranberries and squares of dark chocolate for your bitterness. Mix with cinnamon and prove that the sweetness of reckoning can overpower the bitterness of regret. Eat with friends. Know that since they are guys they will have no idea what you're talking about when you name your pie, but they might unknowingly come under it's influence.

How did this go?

2011-11-27T17:54:00.000-08:00

Stores, restaurants, salons started piping out ye old Christmas songs early this year-- right around the first day of November. It's making my Christmas memories fuzzy. This is how I think the story goes now:

Mary and Joseph had to travel to New York for a family reuntion. Joe had a large family, so Mary tagged along reluctantly, owing to the fact she was vastly pregnant. Also, with the swarm of reuniting relatives from accross the coast and Joe's late RSVP, they were without room to stay with any of the families in the area as basements and guest rooms filled to capacity. They would have to hope for space at a Super 8 along the way. So they loaded up the station wagon to head north on the highway. Just outside of NYC, it broke down. Trying to make the best of the situation, Mary and Joe dropped the car off with a mechanic and headed into the city to check out glittering department stores until Uncle Marco could shuttle them out to the burbs.

Wanting to fit in with the festive environs, Mary wore a red sequined shirt and Joe sported a green sweater vest. They had just made it through the handbags sections when Mary's water broke and labor came fast and furious. Baby arrived, and the first to greet him were the janitors who showed up with mops in hand to clean up the mess. They brought the weary family some McDonald's and found a cardboard box recently emptied of a belts and wallets delivery to lay the sleeping newborn in while relatives were contacted.

Some international business men heard of the commotion. Having just secured some lucrative IT contracts in the city, they felt magnanimous and came to see the happy couple with good luck gifts. One brought a diamond tennis bracelet, another a Coach shoulder bag, and the final a generous bottle of Chanel. A high school show choir was performing in the mall and came to gather round the new baby, dazzling in the tinsel stapled around their wrists, and singing "A Very Jingly Night in Bethlehem." They thought the baby was the cutest.

The store was about to close when Joe's family had gotten word of the recent events. They decended upon the mall as a large mob with many flashing cameras and hurried the family out to their waiting cars to hasten them to the suburbs where suddenly space became available in cousin Marco's guest room.

Culinary Legacy

2011-10-31T17:52:00.000-07:00

It was a weekend of Halloween madness. The females from class turned drunken sluts. The males, fawning drunks. I managed to march to beat of my own drum, with a full coverage owl costume and the designated driving CR-V. I discovered a leftover pocket bottle of rum in my car yesterday, and the seats still smell of the cigarette smoke imparted by my passengers. And a drunk guy tried to kiss me. Another asked me out but seemed to have forgotten once he was sober.

So I found solace in the kitchen and made French Viniagrette. I'm fairly certain the people whose recipes I default to would have never offered up my hold-on as their signature dish. Beth's salad dressing, Susan's egg burritos, Polly's chili dip, Shannon's cranberry brie pizza, Taryn's corn salsa, my mother's everything. Anyway, the smell of crushed garlic reminds me of Beth and brings comforting memories of good company.

I think there's something to this Day of the Dead thing. I read a TV chef say her family made the favorite foods of departed relatives. I should start celebrating this instead of drunken, costume-y chaos.

The whole package

2011-09-12T19:11:00.000-07:00

I've needed to expand my social circle. My best pal here who I was dating started also seeing someone else. He forgot to tell me. My classmates mostly gather for beer pong. So I decided to make Joanne proud and try out Officers Christian Fellowship. I arrived at a lovely house filled with sweet children and met the friendly hosts. All good.

Then people started arriving and it took a bad turn. I should have high tailed it out at the first mention of "apologetics," but I had freshly curled my hair for the event to sway any potential friends. I tried not to outwordly cringe but am pretty sure I looked shocked at least when I was asked what my husband did for the Army. And they homeschool. And they hate public schools and evolution and how those dumb 'ol teachers try to make kiddos think they came from apes. And "HA!" how could scientists claim to know anything about evolution when they weren't there to watch it? I think I know of 3 up-close spectators. J.C. in the front row. It was the whole fundy package complete with dogged devotion to dressing really badly (like you're trying to not try). Shake it off and regroup.

inspiration

2011-08-27T17:36:00.000-07:00

Searching for inspiration in Lawton takes a little effort. There are no trees or water, so one has to get accustomed to finding the beauty of the long, flat plains. I'm mostly finding this in the pretty orange sunsets and the nice, flat running surfaces. Then there's the human element. I've been through the most ridiculous, humiliating set of circumstances with a man who came to visit me, had a panic attack, immediately fled 9 hours in the opposite direction, and stopped speaking because he is very busy wallowing in self-pity. My maturity and kindness to him in this situation meant nothing to his selfish ass.

My peers and classmates are almost all 22 year old males who just graduated from West Point and can chalk up their sum total of life experiences to West Point and how awesome the prom was. Few have worked or travelled. They tend to do everything in groups of twos and threes and hang out almost exclusively at 2 bars and the swimming pool. Too easy not to cross paths on weekends.

My closest companion here is an atheist, and it is extremely comforting to be near someone with zero expectations of me to say nice things. Another friend gave me a big lecture this week about being less nice as a student leader who the guys were taking advantage of. I spent yesterday practicing being a bitch, and while it's effective it doesn't sit well with me.

I realize I can't tie any of this together, but I did find something pretty today in an unexpected place. Check out http://www.aartipaarti.com/2011/07/27/singing-through-the-pain/

It's a lovely picture of who I am not but will maybe become in the very distant future.

Run for Your Life

2011-07-31T18:46:00.000-07:00

I think living and working with so many males this year has put me in touch with aspects of my inner machismo I never knew existed. It's not so much about lifting weights or belching. It's more of a commitment-phobe thing. I met someone great at OCS. We were so desperately wanting to spend time together. He said he would visit next weekend. I got excited. I planned. I researched. He's not calling is delaying the trip. Ghosts of boyfriends past are coming back to haunt me, and now I think I should run for my life into the arms of the multitude. It seems like a better idea right now to be dating several people at once. Because 1. I could have a busy social calendar 2. everyone would be replaceable 3. I would probably have someone to talk to on the phone every night before bed

Don't worry. I don't know anyone here to go to the dark side with right now. I'm just saying I understand for the first time why this would be attractive. Could I become a player if I tried?

mystery roommates

2011-07-12T08:42:00.000-07:00

Because of the deep suckitude of a 24-year-old male with a large mole on his head (I feel very petty today), I am now in a position to get mystery roommates. I flew to OK with one young buck who wanted to be roommates. We dreamt up elaborate dinner parties. We shopped apartments in town tirelessly, looking for the perfect 2 bedroom. This morning he bailed. He's from a wealthy community in Boston and decided none of the 2 bedrooms would be big enough for him to share. So I made a major leap of faith and signed on at the trendy apartment complex that is furnished with couches and friends. You just commit to a 3 bedroom at a reasonable-ish price and they surprise you with roommies. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for 2 reasonably sober people who like to sleep and own headphones. This could be really awful.

Welcome to Lawton

2011-07-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

I joined the Army in search of adventure and excitement. It seemed I was well on my way. I learned how to shoot an M-16, stumbled through a gas chamber, and learned how to call for fire. I've been assigned to gain expertise in missile systems. Then I got assigned to Lawton. And Lawton is the anti-excitement. It's a city with no charm and no pulse. There is no downtown. There are exactly 2 nice apartment complexes. Both are completely full. The only places to buy food are Country Mart and Walmart. I've been warned away from Walmart because it's too expensive. My brother suggests I get involved in the high school football scene and volunteer to do their scouting. He also claims to have seen the musical Oklahoma last night and to now understand completely what life is like here. I could only say that life would improve tremendously if everyone walked around singing all the time.

surrounded

2011-06-30T18:52:00.000-07:00

Surrounded last night at our company's first social event. I found myself surrounded by captains in the captains course here and suddenly enveloped in conversations with men above the age of 24. Such a good break from conversations with males who only relate to me through sarcasm and teasing. My platoon is just like having 23 younger brothers. I've been relentlessly teased. I've been told to button my shirt higher. I've been warned I wasn't allowed to cross the street by myself today-- too dangerous.

Surrounded this morning by the sweetest little girls in the art room of the Boys & Girls Club. One of my squad brothers invited them to paint my face. They started out carefully and gently, but soon the more enthusiastic kiddos got me with the big sponge brushes. They wanted me to stay, hugged me, and didn't make fun of me at all. I wanted to stay.

Surrounded by unapologetic males. I told 2 of them tonight they weren't funny with a terrible nagging edge to my voice when they laughed at me for being mad one of them yelled at me for no reason. They made me work at the desk for 2 hours during fireworks.

My very kind friend loaned me a car tomorrow, and it's time to be alone.

nerd happy

2011-05-19T18:10:00.000-07:00

This morning got off to kind of a rough start. I was up at midnight buffing the floors. I was not a good buffer and heard about it this morning. Then the 1st Sergeant pulled me aside to tell me I was not a good saluter and to give me saluting lessons. I walked into the building later and he got mad at me for something another girl said. Fortunately she came clean and claimed her remarks. I felt poopy lipped, so I made cards for other girls who are also not feeling very special to cadre.

The great consolation of the day was that we began our study of 200 years of military history. I sat pen poised, coffee cup full, and laptop at hand. Just like college. Instead of a booming, fast talking sergeant or captain, our instructor was a lovely older man. I don't think he'll yell at us or insult us at all. We don't have to talk to him at the position of attention. And this is the first topic I may actually understand better than my hands-on counterparts. Having homework that's effortless was thrilling.

I have learned to salute. I've learned to use the buffer effectively. Tomorrow may be better.

We belong to each other

2011-05-14T16:59:00.000-07:00

I've always had a pretty independent streak, so belonging to an organization where everyone is responsible for each other has been a big change. If one person on a team does the wrong thing, their leadership is in trouble. If half of the company messes up, the whole company loses privileges (i.e. having to sleep at attention). This groupiness is counteracted by the fact that we have to critique and rate each other every week.

This is how things went down this week where I belong. 7 of the 10 people on my squad went to basic together. The team was feeling the team love and agreed that every week we would change the order of how we rated people so no one would end up in the bottom twice. It was our pact. Today I found out the pact was really only created to benefit the 7 old friends who always rated each other in the top and that they were choosing amongst themselves which of the remaining three of us would get the bottom slot. I don't belong to them. Then they critiqued me for not spending enough time with them. I do belong to them. Our sergeant figured out ways they were rigging the system and created new squads. I don't belong to them.

The tricky thing is that we need each other to survive here. We need them to rate us well. But there are weasels amongst us. Survivor island continues.

combatives

2011-05-10T18:25:00.001-07:00

The morning got off to a rough start with a run I almost fell out of before the guy in back of me refused to pass and screamed a motivational "Get your ass up there!" Good pep talk in a pinch. We had a little pre-breakfast combatives, which is like wrestling school. Unlike Basic, here they make females pair up with males. Thank God my partner was 1. not married so I didn't feel disrespectful of his special person, 2. not a creeper, and 3. a former wrestler. It's actually pretty empowering to know how to choke someone out with your legs should the opportunity ever present itself.

Then I learned machine gun theory. We had lectures all day of defensive positions-- where to position troops to your greatest advantage. War movies will make way more sense to me know. It was interesting.

One girl packed up and left today. A guy was asking if I would ever quit. I said I told God I wasn't coordinated enough for this, and he told me to stay where I am.

New bedtime procedure here since people got in trouble. 5 minutes before lights out we assemble in the hall with our canteens.
At my command hydrate. We drink in unison.
Prepare to sing. We belt out the alma mater.
Prepare to mount. We get in bed.
At my command, sleep. We lay down in the position of attention and close our eyes. At first I thought it would be ridiculous, but the whole thing is so hilarious I kind of enjoyed it last night.

thick skin II

2011-05-08T15:35:00.000-07:00

Why does living surrounded by guys make me lonely for men? In the last 24 hours:

Male on my floor, "You're totally rocking the freshman female look. You know, like when girls gain 15 lbs and just walk around in sweatpants and a beanie cap all the time."

Male in my squad, "What's up with the females and metabolism here? I can't believe how much food you all put on your trays."

Priest at mass-- No great quote, but he just spoke about the evils of contraception. It was his tribute for mother's day to inspire people to go procreate. Nothing was mentioned to males about being careful with who they knock up or sticking around to help out. Weird.

After all of this I found it incredibly reassuring when a female from another platoon related that a guy in her squad thinks I have a nice ass. It's my hallmark moment for the week. At both Basic and here the LDS guys are the safest bet for friends.

Thicker skin

2011-05-07T12:06:00.000-07:00

Saturdays are generally something to look forward to here. We get time to catch up on homework, a little more time to be on electronics, and no long lectures. But there is one sad piece of Saturdays which is the Peer Review. Every week we have to rate everyone in our squad and read what each person considers our greatest strength and weakness to be. This counts towards our points. We're told not to take it personally, to approach it with thick skin. I have no such thick skin. Last week I wasn't confident enough. This week I don't try hard enough at PT & suck at the obstacle course. I can't seem to remember any of the strengths through I recall there were words written on that side of the page. I need to get stoic about things, but I always want to withdraw and make new friends after reading my Peers. There are no hugs at OCS. I am achieving some literal thick skin with the calluses on my hands from attempting pull-ups that are the admission ticket into every meal.

Two unofficial peer reviews this week: "you would make a great pothead." "Your calluses look like a bear's hand."

I started a small group for females last night that we're unofficially categorizing as tears, fears, and first names. It's where we bring our secret lives that aren't meant for sharing with the combat males. To be confident, we don't admit to doubts about making it here. To be strong, we don't shed tears when we feel like we're failing, misunderstood, or insulted. Our first names are irrelevant and only appear in letters from home. But for one hour a week I will have a first name, will share in group confessions, will have a romantic past, and will hear my name. It's the anti-peer review.

creature comforts

2011-05-05T18:48:00.000-07:00

This morning we completed our first release run-- just 3 miles. I came through with consistency more than drive with all about 8 minute miles. Sustainable if not speedy. Than it was a loooonnnnggg day of power point. They covered about 2 hours worth of content over a mere 7 hour span. Tomorrow is the obstacle course where I am bound to humiliate myself and get a little black and blue. If I survive I'll feel like I've reached a turning point where I can handle the next 3 weeks.

I don't really miss creature comforts at this point. Sleep is adequate if not indulgent. Coffee is allowable as are long showers. We have dessert. I have my phone without much time to use it. I just miss spirituality and good conversation. Surrounded by people without the chance to get to know them well.

ruck

2011-05-03T17:23:00.000-07:00

It was a 4:40 a.m. wake-up for our 2nd 5 mile ruck carrying about 45 lbs. We headed off in the darkness piled down with gear at a rapid clip. I tend to spend the first mile imagining the stress fractures my hips are enduring and feeling like I'll incur damage that will leave me with a walker at the age of 60. These visions always include me wearing ugly stretch waist polyester pants and being angry with the way life turned out from that one unfortunate ruck march that broke me. I spend the second mile imagining the faces of my best pals at holdover company, and thinking of the good times we'll have together if I fall out, get recycled, and have to start over with them. Mile 3 I've moved on to remembering that if I get recycled and have to class up again it must occur by Monday when Alpha begins. If I miss Alpha, Bravo is said to be run by tyrants with fangs. Panic. Shortness of breath. Mile 4 I think about how life could be okay if I go to AIT as enlisted. What can I see myself as more? A plumber or electrician? Leaning towards plumber. Mile 5 I remember I suck at fixing stuff. I pray my way every step up cardiac hill. Jesus gets me up that hill. Another march survived.

I tell myself these days that either I become an officer, and it's a job that requires everything I am plus some. If I don't make it, the Army gives me a mechanical job that requires almost nothing of me but showing up--no soul required. Odd options here.

This night

2011-05-02T17:49:00.001-07:00

Tonight should be full of champagne and buying beer & wings for soldiers to celebrate the death of Bin Laden. Whoo-hoo! There is no formal celebration at Fort Benning for the OCS, but there is still a huge sense of elation. I thank the tattooed wonders who have worked so hard for this.

infantry

2011-04-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

Today was a relatively relaxed day here. It was PT-- mostly push-ups. Breakfast. Then we got to head to the Infantry Museum. Walking through exhibits about extraordinary men made me think about my ancestors whose stories I never heard. I think my grandma's twin brother and another brother died in WWII. My grandfather on the other side was a naval plane mechanic. My dad was in the finance corps in Vietnam. Even if I had heard their stories before I couldn't understand them like I might now.

Seeing infantry heros makes me think about what they have that I don't. 1. Coordination (seriously) 2. Courage to run towards instead of away from danger 3. Confidence. 4. Willingness to be extremely uncomfortable. I admire the guys here who are choosing that life. Females can't be infantry, and now I feel a little guilty that I don't want to be. I also feel (at least today) that even if I don't make it through OCS that I still owe the country my 3 years serving as enlisted to fulfill my commitment.

less interpretation

2011-04-29T18:22:00.000-07:00

It dawned on me that someday I may want to remember the actual events that happened here and not just use the old blog for inspired impressions. So...

Today started well as I was chosen to attend a breakfast with OCS graduates who were being inducted into the OCS Hall of Fame. We were supposed to mingle and get to hear their war tales. Sadly, only one veteran showed up. Happily, I still got to eat a leisurely breakfast with coffee!! Than it was off to a team obstacle course where we tooks turns in crazy problem solving involving boards, ropes, and moving people over water. I contributed least to my team but am glad I have a really strong team. Took a test over Call for Fire (how to order an antillery team to bring in the big guns). Then I freaked out about the fact that squads do peer evaluations this weekend, and I could get lowest rated because the guys in my squad all went to basic together and are best battles. Sought guidance from my infantry friend who said I'm not weird enough to be worried about ratings. He did confirm my suspicions that leadership is practicing social darwinism and trying to push hard enough on running, sprints, and rucking to shake out people with any possible physical weakness or injury. 5 females have gotten kicked out in the last 48 hours. I just was informed I get my first go at leadership next week as team leader. 2nd platoon-- get ready to feel the love. The counselor is taking over!

New Vital Stats

2011-04-28T18:30:00.000-07:00

Favorite Song: I Will Survive has replaced Peaceful Easy Feeling (this fact summarizes everything about OCS)
Favorite Time of Day: Taking boots off now replaces sunset over Garden of the Gods
Favorite Dessert: the saltines I pretend are cookies have replaced Chunky Monkey
Favorite Food: peanut butter served in tiny packets has replaced chips & salsa
Favorite Outfit: PT shorts, t-shirt, flipflops, & fleece winter PT hat has replaced sundress
Favorite Quote: Our drill sergeants made us eat sawdust and expected us to poop two by fours (that's just classically good)
Favorite Social Event: The ten minutes of meet and greet before and after church on Sundays have replaced happy hour in my backyard
Favorite hobby: sit-ups and stretching have replaced book clubs
Favorite color: the pink on my notebook cover & sneakers has replaced yellow

Man's World

2011-04-23T18:17:00.000-07:00

Can I live well in a man's world? I'm in a platoon of 40 made up of approximately 25% females. We have 17 leadership positions. 15 of those are filled by males. One of the females in leadership is chief paperwork collector. I'm bitter-- I admit it. It's a man's world. I would be singing the blues tonight if I had an audience and a slinky black dress.
Imagine with bass and harmonica:

I sing a man's cadence
I wear a man's clothes
I march to a long stride
I don't cringe at rude jokes

And it's sooo hard
Living where I'm less than the dudes
I've got the basic, basic, basic candidate blues

Georgia

2011-04-20T18:14:00.000-07:00

Curious about the experience of whoever wrote Georgia on my Mind. They probably visited in October or January or sometime they needed a respite from the cold and snow in Cincinnati. Not summer when it's so humid you spend all day sweating, drinking sports drinks, and having to pee from the hydration efforts. Maybe they had air conditioning and a big pool. We here at Delta live on the 3rd floor, sleep on wool blankets, and have to wear long sleeves, pants, and wool hats every day. It's made room 374 declare itself a nudist colony for 5 minutes every day. Now I know the author of Midnight Train to Georgia was truly anguished over leaving L.A., and the pain in her voice meant he was leaving in the summer.

Cool Like You

2011-04-19T18:21:00.000-07:00

Today we learned fun factoids about other people in our class. The group don't look intimidating, but looks can be deceiving. Among the candidates we have: a bull rider, an Versace underwear model, a musician who played on American Idol, a Bowflex model for TV infomercials, a former UN staffer, someone whose photos have been in National Geographic 3 times, a CNN foreign correspondent, a jazz musician, and someone who used to do voiceovers for American commercials playing in China. I am flannel. They are sequins. with beads and glitter and special lighting. We're told they'll drop 25% of us out of the class. Yikes! Time to become spectacular.

Here We Go

2011-04-18T18:31:00.000-07:00

Today I classed up at OCS. Gone are the days of leisurely meals, reading, and waiting for life to pick up the pace. It's hurry, hurry, threat, threat now. But I'm grateful to be in motion. When I arrived I couldn't see doing this without Kinney. Then she left. So I built a little bit of new community. But we didn't all class up together. I fear some of the more remarkable candidates have been overlooked for people who will not do well here. And I feel like the instinct to take care of soldiers makes me want to fix everything for the friends I left behind. But back to the good--God pulled a rabbit out of his hat and gave me a 287 on my AFPT test today. My friend Sproul is my roommate. I now own a velcro-on ascot, which looks ridiculous but connotes progress. Forward march.

Position Open

2011-04-13T17:14:00.000-07:00

Highlight of my week was a job offer from my friends Shannon and Paul, as follows:

Dear Officer Candidate:

I am writing to notify you that there is a position open as Commander of our small child. The pay is not competitive and the hours are long, but the company is small (one baby, one flat-coat retriever, one smelly cat) and therefore, quite manageable.

Perks of this position:

Rooming comes with PS3 gaming system and includes newest version of popular games, Madden '10 and Gran Turismo (Paul must have written this part if viewed as perk)

Homemade chocolate chip cookies

No push-ups...unless you want to

Japanese-engineered vehicle to drive-- remarkably similar to the one you sold (she has a red CRV)

Sex and the City DVD Box set on hand

A multitude of baby hugs and giggles

This job sounds so tempting. I miss being around people who love me. And Shannon is an excellent baker and very good company. I met aforementioned baby right after she was born and am sure she will be remarkable.

Side note: Benefit of the doubt-- If boys hide your laundry bag, pull on your hair, make fun of your shoes, and kick you in a sneaky but not too hard way maybe it just means they need female attention and you're their only hope of getting it.

Man's World

2011-04-12T17:41:00.000-07:00

Getting taken off school detail has proven to be a blessing in disguise. Since the holdovers are considered guinea pigs and dispensable for any whim, some of us were taken to a park to practice playing games for an office retreat the battalion staff will go on later this week. They wanted to time us to see how long the games would take. In typical Army fashion, departure was moved up by one hour at the last minute, the driver got lost, and we spent 6 hours at the park to be involved in an hour and a half of activity. Plenty of time to sit on swings, walk in the woods, and story swap.

I was at a loss today in trying to stay flexible about living in a man's world. They don't understand why I wanted to go to the dentist and get my teeth cleaned. If the teeth don't hurt, why fix them? They hate my hot pink running shoes and claim the color burns their eyes. I got called Princess last week for wanting to order vegetables with my lunch. Eyes rolled when I asked about an iron since I was told to wear khaki pants on Thursday. The pink shoes may need to be retired until I can get them a little dirty or faded.

Sunday Funday

2011-04-10T15:36:00.001-07:00

Growing up I was always confused as to why the Bangles considered Sunday to be her fun day. In my house, it was the most dreadedly slow day of the week. Fussy clothes, long church service, parents fighting about being on time, long lunch, lots of dishes from long lunch, then rest. Rest meant that God made us take a day off from watching TV, being loud, or playing with friends. Then because my parents were Southern Baptist, they put in for extra credit by making us attend church again at night.

Sundays have always been a challenge for my attention span. Even as an adult attending an Anglican church, I would find myself bored to tears by the long service and need to create my own short recess mid-liturgy to wander around outside and hope for a quick move to communion where the good music started again.

Sundays at HHC are also a long day. The mornings are great--no PT, church with friends, music, donuts, & coffee. But then it's back the cage at 10:30 for a long day of nothing. Reading, watching 30 Rock on my laptop, sweating in an old builidng with no air conditioning. Maybe I'm too midwestern to relax, but I'm ready for Monday rush to begin.

Dorm Life

2011-04-09T15:46:00.000-07:00

On the odd day here life at holdover company has moments of feeling like college dorm life. Today we got the odd break of getting to go in vans to shop at the post exchange for an hour. Females seem to have reached their limit with man life and made a mad rush for the beauty salon, body spray and cosmetics. I knew I had reached my limit with boots and camo when I bought new running shoes that are bright pink. Even one of the guys stocked up on room freshener, a loofah, and the febreze he thought the whole male latrine would benefit from. Then it was back for a light lunch of iceberg lettuce and jello on trays. Tonight we got early release for free time. This finds us drenched in body spray, clad in shorts and t-shirts, and clutching pillows as we sit in front of a laptop watching Anchor Man. Guys are downstairs having a foosball tourney. Life rewinds back to freshman year in Boer-Bennick dorm's basement.

Recovery

2011-04-07T18:02:00.000-07:00

Last night since I pulled an overnight detail, I was released on Recovery today. It is the most unmilitary of all assignments. I got an immunity sign to hang on my door so leadership would leave me along. This left me complete freedom to eat when I wanted to, wear my hair long and soft around my shoulders, read, and sleep all day. No formations, no cleaning, no ACUs. My mom sent a great package with peanut M&Ms. We're allowed candy here as long as we eat it/share it immediately and don't take any upstairs. All in all, a pretty good day at HHC.

Rules

2011-04-05T17:27:00.000-07:00

It was a day at the elementary surrounded by picture books, worksheets, and fun art. Everything was low key since the kids are on spring break. Sadly I returned back to the barracks to find that new rules were instituted while I was gone. No more coffee to drink between meals, an earlier wake-up time, and signs in the hallways marking where the females live so the males can't cross the line to visit. I think said males are working out right now and grunting extra loud to remind of their presence a few doors down. I also got a scary text. A fellow member of my company was at the medical clinic and saw one of my drill sergeants. Here. At Fort Benning. Not far,far away in South Carolina where he's supposed to be. The craziest one. Who got things knocked around too much in the head. I clearly need a guard dog.

Directions

2011-04-04T18:07:00.000-07:00

There are various directions my life could take at this point. As I find comfort in planning, these are the scenarios I'm running through.

1. Life goes North: I class up with Delta on 4/18. I learn how to climb a rope. I become amazing at night land navigation. I discover confidence, aggression, and faster legs. I look good in an ascot, graduate, and life goes as intended.

2. Life goes South: I either don't class up with Delta or board out. I am forced to go to AIT where I have to learn how to fix things. I never tell them it takes me a good half hour to install windshield wipers (or decide to ask for help). I take a new identity similar to Kenneth on 30 Rock. I go by Krissy, say I've never left Illinois until Basic, and have just failed out of nail tech school and think books othere than The Shack and Twilight are tools of the devil. Hate living in barracks and marry an illegal immigrant so they get a green card and I can live off base.

3. Life goes West. I chapter out of the Army. I move to Ann Arbor to work at brother-in-law's bank call center. Depressing winter weather causes addiction to tanning beds. Depressing job makes me start collecting beanie babies and forwarding emails with life lessons and pictures of cats. I wear khaki pants, pastel t-shirts, and get a wedge haircut.

4. Life goes East. I join the PeaceCorp if they'll have me. I get dreadlocks and wear long skirts. I reconsider my position on tattoos.

Let me know if I'm missing any of the obvious options.

BCGs

2011-04-04T17:11:00.000-07:00

Sorry the posts may get boring here. Just trying to document my life now so I remember. Day started with a run. I heard rumors that run days were rough here and expected the worst as a friend got injured buddy carrying someone 1.5 miles. We hauled at fast pace to cardiac hill and went up in sprints, running backwards, and lunges. Not easy but certainly not impossible. Quick shower and off to the elementary to haul boxes of textbooks around all day. Confession: It's just frustrating at this point to be surrounded by males all the time with strict no fraternization rules. I should be rebounding to feel better about no Greg. There are good dating candidates here. I have to pretend they're all diseased. Even when I think I'm alone, I'm not. I went to the back courtyard to do sit-ups tonight. Nobody else from my dorm was outside. It was a rare moment of silence and solitude. Until a guy from the Airborne dorm across the way opened his window and yelled out to cheer me on. I haven't had remarkable conversations with anyone, but I'm trying to tread shallow water to stay disinterested. I thought it would be helpful to pull out my bcgs (birth control glasses- see photo above) tonight for final formation. Commentary from guys in my platoon-- you look like the secretary guys talk about in the break room saying, "I wonder if she's a freak." Must maintain aura of mystery.

Incarceration

2011-04-02T16:34:00.000-07:00

This is how life goes now. Wake up early. Meet in courtyard for PT. Wear uniform. Eat off tray. Clean all morning. Eat off tray. Clean all afternoon. Eat off tray. Clean and hope to get released early for more working out, showering, laundry, and one phone call. Lights out. Sleep with door open so your head on pillow is visible from the hall at all times. Did Uncle Sam really want me? The break in the routine is that due to my degree I get to volunteer at an elementary school 5 days a week. Essentially, I'm right back where I was before joining the military. Glorified room mom. Overeducated cleaning lady. I hope redemption finds me here.

Year in Review

2011-01-01T06:39:00.000-08:00

This year I: knew major change needed to happen--asked friends for help and received kindness that still amazes me--dated Mr. Bad Special Forces Guy--discovered dating him was my unfulfilled desire to have his life--went back to dating my best friend--re-taught myself algebra--visited Austin--told Greg I loved him--was told I was not loved--started doing girl push-ups--took the ASVAB--stopped getting haircuts--bought my first real suit--ran--joined a CrossFit--packed up my worldly goods--interviewed with army men who insulted me and thought I would be a better den mother--took I best camping trip ever--soaked in the Pagosa hot springs-- got drunk for the first time-- left Colorado--moved back in with my parents--saw trail fork as closest friends had babies--got a minimum wage job--was reminded how great midwesterners are as I found a group of girlfriends--re-learned how to laugh by visiting old roommate--knew I had no secrets when I met a girl who has all of the same ones--failed at the gym, kept going--gave up dairy, grains, starch, dessert, legumes--got better at the gym--got to know and value my parents as adults--threw my mom a long awaited surprise party--told Greg I would no longer be his special friend and stopped hearing from him--sold my beloved car 4 hours after listing it--threw a tacky craft New Year's party

2010, I am ready to close the door on you and bolt it shut. You are a demolition area. You have challenged my assumptions about God, the value of goodness, and what I wanted for my future. You have pushed me physically beyond what I thought was possible. You have reminded me that there are friends everywhere. Enough demolition. 2011 is the year of reinvention.

Sisters

2010-11-07T06:01:00.000-08:00

Maybe because I saw the Sound of Music cast reunion on Oprah. Perhaps since I am taking my own vows soon and giving up my worldly possessions and clothes temporarily. I am interested in nuns lately. Growing up Protestant, I mostly observed them in movies and wondered at the beautiful old convents that I was told were empty or had become schools or wineries. I'm reading the memoir of a woman who became a nun in the 60's.

As she talks about the the community she finds in the sisterhood, I keep imagining living in a convent full of my friends. We all have the old habits. I walk down to the kitchen in the morning to find Sister Susan kneading bread in the kitchen. She is inspired because Sister Sarah is in the room next door practicing an organ piece to play at mass later that day. Sister Elizabeth has just hauled a basket of green beans in from her garden to string. Sister Joanne is taking an aged nun for a walk on the grounds to get a break from the infirmary. I'm heading up to the library to dust.

Would we survive? Would we thrive in contemplative life? Everything changed about nuns in the 60's as they gave up habits, convents, and saint names. Still it's interesting to consider the merits of that life-- being set apart and belonging to a community forever. Just know, friends, that I'm thinking of you and imagining you in a veil. And snickering just a little...

Weight of the World

2010-10-22T19:25:00.000-07:00

For Joanne.

How can you run with the weight of the world on your shoulders? I tried. I can't. Working out in my recent history had gone from an endorphin boosting habit to drudgery and punishment. The good, kind trainer from the gym left town. This left the muscle-faced John (I don't think he smiles, just flexes his mouth) and dominatrix Tara in his place. So the normal workout friends left. Pat claimed knee pain. Michelle, a back out of whack. Karen, a very long trip. So it was down to me and the jocks. Johanna and Janna, the personal trainers. Jeff the owner of a martial arts studio. Karen the long-term student of Johanna. And that left me a full set behind everyone Thursday, doing push-ups alone with the class looking on while both mean trainers chanted for me to go faster, go lower. Everyone else got, "good job!" I slunk away from the gym in tears feeling every bit a 6th grade girl. Not fast, not muscular, not skinny.

I wanted to avoid running this morning, so I actually read my Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) notes. I usually skip this step, feeling it's like Cliff Notes that I don't need for enrichment (stop cringing Joanne). But there it was. "...we are not to fear or dread what secular persons fear and dread, for the Lord Himself is faithful is what He promised that He is the only one we are to fear and dread (Is 8:12-13). And then I ran. Without music, without goals, without seeing the disappointed faces of John or Tara, without the dire warnings from recruiters, without the cautionary tales of weak women failing out of officer school from my friend Kelly who's there now. I was lighter. I ran with my whole body instead of just trying to pound these weary legs into the ground. If I am faithful in training, God will be the Sovereign deciding my place in the world and in the Army. With this body. Without John's approval.

My mom left me a note this morning of a smiling kid flexing his skinny, muscle-less arms. Caption: They can take my lunch money. But they can never take my pride.

Ten Things my Mom Taught Me

2010-10-11T19:25:00.000-07:00

1. Relationships are important.
2. Reading is a life-long joy and door to discovery.
3. Practice hospitality- "God gave us everything we have to share."
4. Be kind to people who have to serve you in their jobs. Make their job easier.
5. It is enough to be clean and neat. (Still working on this one).
6. How to cook.
7. Respect people from different backgrounds.
8. Celebrations are important. Birthdays, traditions, & holidays matter.
9. Be available to serve others.
10. Enjoy God.

This woman is the most patient person I know. I can say I've been taught but not entirely that I've learned. She's a lot to aspire to.

10 Things My Dad Taught Me

2010-10-11T19:11:00.000-07:00

My friend Tea & Sympathy inspired me with her own list (thank you!), so here's the list of things I learned from my father, in his sayings where possible:
1. Listen and ask questions -"The wise old owl who sat in the oak. The more he heard, the less he spoke. The less he spoke, the most he heard. Now wasn't he a wise old bird."
2. Sleeping well is required for living well- "Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."
3. Be a person of action-- "Think you can, think you can't. Either way you're right."
4. Be financially conservative. Avoid debt, things you can't afford, anything that's show-offy.
5. Be generous. It's a greater joy to give than to receive. Gifts matter.
6. Pursue knowledge. I've been listening to NPR and watching PBS since infancy. Developing curiousity is as great an advantage as intelligence.
7. Work hard. This is a man who hitchhiked to college with just one suitcase in hand.
8. Find ways to not take credit. I have found my car washed, my directions written, items fixed without any announcement of intent or completion.
9. Think long-term. When the possibility of draft arose, he enlisted first and chose finance corps which paved the way for a business future.
10. Remember where you come from. You're not too good for used shoes, cheap meals, or sweat inducing work.

balance

2010-10-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that I'm a whiny complainer who will never be happy. I spent the last year moaning about being alone. Now I'm continually belly aching over the fact that I never get time alone. Is there a just-right? A let's have dinner together, but I would like to forego anyone watching me make breakfast, turning on fundy radio or moving within my personal radius of 5 feet before 9:00 a.m.? This is only reasonable in my head until I try to make it words out of my mouth. Bad Princess!

And church. I attend singles groups and think most of the people there are weirdos. I judge them for requesting prayer for a 'relationship' that so far is only one actual date. For ugly clothes and the wearing of sadly inadequate bras. For the use of trite christianisms. But where are the normal people? MOPS. I shuffle back to my designated Weird Single corner.

Food. I'm on an odd diet where I've had to give up grains, sugar, dairy, corn, potatoes, & legumes. It's a little taste of purgatory this side of heaven. So I have my precious snacks I guard and get a little territorial when someone else wants my nut butter, sad sugarless pie, or coconut chunkies. I feel like a mean puppy guarding its yucky chew toys. Is it reasonable to live with people who share all with me and not want to hand over my paleo pancakes? In my Lord of Flies inner life, Yes. In the Purpose Driven Life house I actually live in I deserve a sugarless existence.

Will do better. Will try harder. And maybe I'll work my way into the next level of purgatory!

the slow down

2010-09-03T17:59:00.001-07:00

I've always been a fairly cerebral type-- reading, cooking , entertaining, writing. Before leaving Colorado Springs I was hoping for a phase of life that was less stressful, less complicated. What I've got now is a life of callused hands and sweat. I actually decided to completely forego a shower today. Why bother when I go from gym to hot bakery to a few hours at home before knocking off to run tomorrow and go back to hot bakery? Probably good practice for January to be doing manual work all day. Probably good habituation to get dirty more often.

Otherwise:
I miss my friends and think about them all the time. Susan taught me about panna cotta which I made myself this week for my b-day. Joanne comes to mind with instructions on push-ups. Beth would love the walks I take along the Fox River. I miss going to the gym with Polly. They would like it here.

one of these

2010-08-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

Living with my folks has led me to moments of surprise at how alike I am to my family and what makes me one of these people.

These people- Can live with a nearly silent house where everyone is reading at the same time, think visiting a sculpture garden is a wonderful Friday night activity, love good deals, watch Antiques Roadshow as a chance to learn about history, visit the library religiously, look forward to ice cream night as a weekly event, can eat bananas every day, listen to classical music

I also am not like these people and othertimes wonder how I ended up with the same last name when I feel like a foreigner. This person- does not think it's a sign of the End Times whenever there's a natural disaster, loves tequila and does think there are moments it can lead to more fun, hates clocks that tick, votes for democrats, loves spicy & exotics foods, refuses to sort laundry

As a back to school shopping gift to myself today, I bought a pair of red converse very similar to the ones I owned in 5th grade. Fashion circles back around!

looking

2010-08-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

Today back in the land of money I was looking for the beautiful people. They were conspicuosly absent from both the horse jumping competition we visited to see a friend's daughter and the republican fundraising dinner my dad bought tickets for. Just normal people who dress badly.

Looking for a job in a place that doesn't smell bad, doesn't play loud music, doesn't sell trinkety junk, and will take someone over-qualified.

Looking for a church that has no choir, no suits, no crazy fundamentalists, and does have a pastor with a theology degree. Not totally family-focused. Not in a warehouse.

I am a demanding consumer.

11 Months Later

2010-08-13T13:02:00.000-07:00

"When friends found out I was going, they said, ...Why? Aren't things hard enough already? Women suggested healing teas, accupuncture, retreats, solutions intended to promote a graceful consultation with my dark luck...What I had a harder time saying was this: I did want difficulty, a new sense of what I could stand...I wanted movement, even of a tricky or frantic kind...I was trying to determine where or in what to put my trust once two cherished connections had failed." There is Room for You -Charlotte Bacon

I have pulled up roots. I've moved back to Chicago with my folks while I await a shipping date of January 10th to attend Army Basic Training and continue on to Office Candidate School. The above is the best justification I could give you today. On other days I would tell you I was seeking adventure or a new career or a chance to move around or just walking through open doors.

This place offers familiar comforts-- coffee shops on every corner, the sight of women taking walks in beautiful saris, neatly groomed lawns and parks, a garden full of over-grown squash & rhubarb, every kind of shopping possible from gourmet grocers to farmers markets.

I interview to work at a coffee shop tomorrow. My life has rewound to 10 years ago.
-Signing off from the new headquarters...Hazel

Enough Christmas

2009-12-12T14:38:00.000-08:00

I have definitely reached the tipping point of having had enough Christmas. Call me a Grinch, Scrooge, Curmudgeon, Whatever. It's not everything that I hate. I love the gifts I get to buy willingly. I love my tree. I adore all of the little white lights everywhere. It's just that I had the nightmare party last night that pushed me over the edge.

In my office of 7 people, the week kicked off with secret santa. A-okay by me. But then our office party last night required an appetizer, an ornament, and enough cookies for exchanging. In my office I tend to do the wrong things to fit in. I arrived with wine and cheese. Everyone else loves dips and wine cooler punch. Greg said supportive things about my fancy cheese, but I believe everyone else was afraid of it. At the ornament exchange I received a horrid crocheted angel. Greg said I did a poor job of hiding my distaste (but I was really trying). I further alienated myself by not finishing my wine cooler punch, stopping at one drink, and only taking home one of each cookie. Greg declared that I don't fit in at all, but he was a huge hit showing up with a bottle of Jack Daniels that he picked up on his wine mission for me. The same people are doing another party next week.

The request for, couldn't I just pick up 2 more gifts for Tuesday, come up with a mixer game, lead carols singing, and coordinate rides was a stretch. Showing up to a party with Greg in Parker the wrong evening added to pile. I've said no to 3 other parties this weekend. My sweet friends asked me to go tree hunting with them this afternoon. While I initially said yes because I love spending time with them, I realized that my Christmas fetching needed to be done.

Sorry reader, but this was therapeutic for me. If you feel the same spirit of Christmas malaise, hang in there! And say no.

Pranked

2009-12-10T17:31:00.000-08:00

My school's home economics class makes the kids haul around fake mechanical babies that cry and record how well the kids do as responsive caretakers. Good idea. Today I walked into my office to find 5 screaming mechanical babies who were inconsolable. It was very stressful. Then I tried to return them (or 2 of them) to their classroom as inconspicuously as possible while the bellowing continued worried that if I ran it would trigger a louder response. This is what I get at work for not having children.

Must seek revenge. Let me know if you have great prank ideas.

Half

2009-12-06T12:24:00.000-08:00

Being half-loved is like this-
Getting a half cup of coffee that's great at first sip but gets cold too quickly
Half one-armed side hugs that are the awkward domain of you-are-not-mine
The half-baked bread that's beautiful on the outside but a doughy mess inside
The not-half-bad of the project that was almost great

I would make this thing whole if I could (confessing I only believe 3/4 exists). Retail efforts work for minutes, having a good imagination helps when I'm bored, sweetness results in saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for my car, my clumsiness, my hair, cold hands, my wanting too much.

But half is better than none. (I think?)

Beautiful Dreamer

2009-10-05T16:44:00.000-07:00

It's hard to know the difference between helping a kid set realistic goals and breaking apart the beautiful dreams of those raised on the song I Believe I can Fly. Quotes from last week:

"I'm thinking of taking a year off to work on my skating. Then I'll study something with medical marijuana. I don't like chemisty. Where can I do botany?" (aka pre-drug dealing)

"I'll go where I can get a swimming scholarship. I'm joining swim team for the 1st time in January."

"I want to be pre-med! It's been my dream for as long as I can remember." (Said by multiple students with GPAs below 2.5).

I hope they are all on their way to being the exception. The inspiration. The counter-example. If not, I told them to tuck community college away in the back of their minds just in case. And I gave them a piece of candy for remembering we talked about community college.

so cynical

2009-10-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

So the old guys emails me. Reams and reams about his "ideal" relationship. How his biggest weakest is being too nice. And I think, "BiG, FaT, LiaR!" And I refuse to answer any additional questions about views on marriage and children. And say I will only meet with him if he comes on down to earth. Now I feel like the harsh city girl. It's almost like writing to Ken from 30 Rock.

What now?

2009-09-30T20:33:00.000-07:00

If what you've tried hasn't worked, you're supposed to try new things. Yes?

I try to apply this logic to my dating life. This roughly means moving on to much older men, the recently divorced with kids plural, or felons. You must trust that I've tried a lot of other categories (divorced, Catholic, nothing in common with me, etc). So I'm corresponding with a 45-year-old. He's not a felon. And I have very mixed feelings. Are there other major categories I'm not considering? Is he sketchy if he's not looking at women his own age?

Where is the fine line between persevering and being a glutton for cliche, pathetic single scenarios? I hope I at least get credit for not owning a cat.

The Inner Evangelical

2009-09-27T16:47:00.000-07:00

What do you get when you combine being slightly charismatic, pro-intellectual, having an evangelical background, and being a democrat? I'm convinced it's a frustrated Anglican or a secretive evangelical. My heart has been shrinking and burdened at the Anglican church trying to listen to sermons that discourage and have no linear progression. Revolting a little at the common saying that worship has nothing to do emotions. Sinking at the constant reminders that I'm a sinner and an American over-consumer. Frankly, usually a little bored.

So I strolled on over to a church in my neighborhood this morning. Among the hipsters with guitars and hair gel on stage old ladies danced in the front. The hour and a half passed quickly. I swayed and felt emotions. I didn't have to force the mumbling of another liturgical line. I didn't leave sad because I knew in advance I would be heading home to solitary lunch time. There also seem to be straight men in attendance who actually are involved in the church and in heavy lifting on behalf of others. I'm a sucker for that. Even if I can't share that I'm a big advocate of a national health plan. Shhhh....

For Olive and Tea

2009-09-21T20:50:00.000-07:00

With vim that will suit for a cold Sunday night
We gather, their faces the source of good light

Pate down, hands busy to find Scrabble letters
I rive and I gather to make my thoughts better

Just questions, not bold to pronounce any answers
We hope to be prodigies, scholars, and dancers

One Olive of shaking and flame and aspire
One Tea of the rain and the quest (we conspire)

We will create more than the words that we'll gather
We'll carry the ponderances of all things that matter
This is the sum when the girls get together

Coming out of the polyester jungle

2009-09-11T15:40:00.000-07:00

Whew! I made it through the week. Barely. Hosted by first big event with better-than-expected attendance. Stumbling into Blockbuster after work, I only had eyes for videos with beautiful fashion. Came home with Sex & the City and the first season of Mad Men. After the last few weeks I could go a very long time without seeing another printed polyester garment, sensible shoe or ankle tattoo. What have I become? And why is it so delightful to watch beautiful fashion while I sit around in my overalls? My weird indulgence. I never thought I cared about pretty clothes until they were gone and I missed them.

Young Life

2009-09-06T16:38:00.000-07:00

When I first moved to CO I was a YoungLife leader on a crazy, disfunctional team. I left with a lot of hurt feelings, a sense of failure, and a reluctance to do anything in ministry. But now I feel called back.

This afternoon I met with an older couple who are area leaders for my school and got re-enlisted. They are the wise folks in charge, there are some very cute and perky young leaders who the kids will adore. I slide right in the middle as the volunteer to run the Bible study and help support the young female leaders.

God called Moses back to Eygpt. He called me back to YL. I hope this is the time I'm ripe to lead.

Being known

2009-09-06T12:53:00.000-07:00

When friends show up at your doorstep with the following items, you know they know you pretty well. Yellow tea pot-candle-tequila-adventure magazine-golf supplies. It might not seem like it all fits, but it totally does.

This is the season for sitting outside by my fireplace and drinking wine. I have spent 2 evenings at this in the last week. I welcome fall with open arms.

Feeling uninspired to go to church alone or leave church alone, I took a pilgrimage up to the J. Crew outlet. Grey cords bought by my brother and boyfriend jeans I bought even though I should have waited until payday say Happy Fall to me. Hope your fall is off to a good start!

Birthday eve

2009-08-31T19:49:00.000-07:00

Birthday eve got off to a smashing start. Pumkin spice syrup was back at Starbucks. Divine Tara gave me a perfect loaf of bread, lovely card, and bonus session. I went to the library, parked right in front, and found the meter was already paid for the time I needed. Arrived home to a mailbox full of very promising looking cards.

After a failed attempt at making a birthday cake yesterday, I tried again today with box mixes. The result is one lovely looking cake and one delicious disaster. I don't happen to love cake and have determined my shopping (3 times), chopping, baking, frosting, and dish washing are for naught. Next year will save time and money and serve ice cream. Tradition be damned.

Still, I believe this will be a good year.

Waking up

2009-08-30T19:45:00.001-07:00

Hi friends. My blog is waking up again after this nap. Working with teenagers make life feel a little more like an adventure. So does having new experiences.

Yesterday I spent about 4 hours picking hops. I am not a beer connoisseur. I just have a yard that grows the vines in abundance. Greg asked if he could harvest them to take to a local brewery to add to the vat of Wild Hops Brew. We will get some free beer at experiment's end. As a result I have a terrible itchy rash all over both arms that refuses to go away. On the positive end I met several neighbors who came to inquire what I was picking as I balanced up on my retaining wall-- an old hippy guy who looks like a hobo and is very friendly, a deaf man accross the street, and a skater kid who wanted to try hops raw.

I have always fantasized about having a hobby farm. In my visions I grew pumkins or apples. Never would have guessed I'd end up with more hops than I can pick and one lonely apple at the top of my one fruit tree.

Sleeping

2009-08-13T17:47:00.000-07:00

No, I haven't broken my blog writing fingers. This blog is just sleeping for a little while. Lately life is short on adventure and long on reflection. So I started writing a little on a more boring, reflective track. I admit it's the kind of crap I would never read myself. And it's the wrong picture to be painting in this happy blog frame- too lengthy and whining and blah, blah, blag. But the new muse has absolutely no sense of humor. My temporary address will be:

http://acornseason.blogspot.com/

Look forward to coming back here when adventures resume!

First Day Eve

2009-08-06T20:03:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my first day of work at my new job. It will be a huge transition to start waking up 3 hours earlier, getting dressed up again, and trying to remember new names. I need to remember that the poor freshmen will be twice as nervous as I am when they start.

The Lost Discipline

2009-08-04T21:07:00.000-07:00

Funny that it's called a fast when giving up food makes you slow down so completely. You think slowly and walk slowly and ponder instead of rushing into decisions. Your hands move more intentionally and you become aware of all of little motions they go through.

Fasting has been hard for me to understand because I know few people who practice it. I've only practiced it infrequently and for short periods of time. But now I feel called into a season of fasting. It feels like walking into a mystery because I don't know why I'm doing this or what it's supposed to produce. Fortunately my spiritual direction thinks it's okay to open this door with no resolution. What do you need from God? she always asks. This is the first time I haven't known.

The Price is Right

2009-07-31T11:02:00.001-07:00

I got volunteered to be the official Run for Rwanda race day shopper. I'm not a strong math student, so this was a challenge. Math problem of the day:

If bananas at Sunflower Market cost $.49/lb, every banana is a different weight, and you need to spend a $25 gift card on said bananas, how do you know how many to get? I underestimated, went through the line twice, and still have $1.64 on the card. Good to know that if I ever got chosen for the The Price is Right I would never win the ugly canopy bed.

Name that Produce

2009-07-29T14:55:00.000-07:00

I offer my apologies to the rain as I was blaming it for a dreary afternoon. I went to the farmer's market to pick up a friend's community farm share since she's away camping. I found treasure. Coming from the midwest, I feel like I should be better at name that vegetable, but aside from the general category of squash, these have me stumped. Can you name that squash?

Irish Day

2009-07-29T13:42:00.000-07:00

The other part of Boston trails me. It's a very Irish day here. A morning for wearing braided hair, yard work, golf practice, and listening to the Once soundtrack. Then being shut in by persistent, dark rain to drink tea and read an Irish novel full of more rain, an asylum, religious wars, priests and secrets. I'll grant you that I can pass for Irish since I'm Scottish and English. But I had a lot more fun pretending to be Italian.

cure for feeling broke

2009-07-26T17:25:00.000-07:00

Just back from Boston, I was feeling kind of broke. The TSA ruined my nice suitcase that I don't have $400 to replace. My tub is dripping. I have no more room in my little cabin box of a house to put anything away. The very smart dress sandals I bought last week broke the first time I wore them. Fortunately, Boston also provided a cure. Think like an Italian. The true cure was to make a great homemade meal. My skill will be my wealth. So I kneaded pizza dough. Made my own sauce with basil from my yard. Topped it with fresh mozzarella. I do feel better. And resourcefully clever.

Driven by an a curiously unknown to me before, I decided to visit a singles Sunday school class today at another church. I used to reject the idea of hanging with the love cast-offs, but today it felt wonderful to walk into a room where I would be normal. Even if it was a room mostly filled with attractive, smart women and some weirdo men. They were friendly, smiled at me, and didn't make me sit alone. And they went rafting yesterday- Bonus! The reward for my bravery was getting to join Polly and Me Gusto for an afternoon where I am treated like family. I loved pretending to be Italian today.

Do it Yourself

2009-07-20T20:36:00.000-07:00

This week I learned how to make homemade vanilla and homemade cereal. My new fascination is working on making homemade facial solutions. I was a sucker a few weeks ago and spent $50 on a bottle of mask that I pretty much figured I could make myself with a visit to Whole Foods. Today I tried covering my face in mashed banana, letting it dry, wiping it off, then wiping my face with the inside of the banana peel. This makes my skin feel better than anything I've ever spent money on. Now if I could just make a homemade cure for allergies. I'm miserable after an evening in a friend's house with 2 cats. I don't know why all of my friends love to own such toxic creatures.

Another book for your reading list-- Moloka'i. It's about a girl who gets leprosy and goes to lives on a leper colony in Hawaii. Good story. Not depressing.

Leprosy, allergies, banana mask. I obviously have a lot of exciting things on my mind. Maybe tomorrow an interesting entry on hangers...?

grateful

2009-07-09T20:47:00.001-07:00

I'm so grateful for friends today trying to help me find my way out of the crazy in the ways each of them is uniquely equipped to guide. Kimono's kind, gentle questions and concerns. The assurance that a friend will get me to the airport tomorrow. Lucky's express assurance that I am loved and of value. Birdie being my phone-a-nurse to assure me from San Antonio that my prescription really is making me crazy but that it won't last. I needed to hear that from a friend and not a stranger.

Rally

2009-07-08T20:16:00.001-07:00

I spent today trying to rally and trying to find places to flee the inferno of my house for air conditioning. I haven't been sleeping well, and Sex and the City makes excellent company at midnight. I'm sure this was part of my inspiration as I spent the afternoon shopping, bought crazy wedge shoes with gold rings on them, and bought a very expensive product from the place where I got a facial that should have magical properties. I think I'm in danger of becoming a hedonist.

Lessons Learned:
- If you trip over a piece of equipment at the gym and really hurt your ankle, don't go to the meat heads at the front desk for help. Go to the Loaf n Jug. They will be nice.
- Try clothes on. Worse to own something cute that doesn't fit than the $8 shorts that do.
- If the man who gives you a facial reminds you of an old friend you will spend more money than you ought to.
- Dating soldiers who deploy with the infantry this year makes you feel patriotic but is sure to disappoint long-term.

Pretty profound stuff today. Maybe I'm dehydrated.

honesty

2009-07-07T21:02:00.000-07:00

The woman who gave me microderm abrasion said that beauty hurts. Emmylou Harris says that love hurts. Right now buying ugly sweatsuits and giving up seems like it would feel good.

I have a friend who likes to pass out honesty in glaringly harsh doses of revelatory light. "I bet the guy you went out with last night thought you didn't have an athletic enough body type." Making up a better reason would feel good. Avoiding friends with feedback would feel good too.

Last summer at L'Abri my good mentor Jock said that when you're at the 21st mile of a marathon, stopping the run would feel good immediately. Because you wouldn't be a running. But then the deep regret of miles wasted would come.

I want to cancel the date tomorrow with the man 6 years younger than me. Because I want to quit. I will hopefully come up with an amazingly effective pep talk for myself by 6:30.

High School Flashback

2009-07-06T19:58:00.000-07:00

I was with my date tonight hoping he wouldn't notice my post humidity in Texas acne. He was covering his mouth hoping I wouldn't notice any food stuck in his braces. Yes, I am still living the life the rest of you lived when you were 15. Awesome. Just add in the REO Speedwagon soundtrack.

What does it mean when someone keeps checking you out (eyes southward) in the middle of a date? What does it mean when they end a date with a one-armed hug? Please teen magazine, unravel the mysteries of my life.

Taste in Books

2009-07-05T20:11:00.000-07:00

I will never claim to have great taste in wine or clothes or movies or high-end cuisine or paint colors. I can't tell if clothes fit right, don't know how to apply eyeliner and tend to believe there is only one best way to arrange a room of furniture. Despite these failings, I think I have excellent taste in novels. I've been searching for good choices for vacation. If you are doing the same, I wanted to put together some must-reads in addition to what's on my blog list.

READ ME!:
Ender's Shadow and Ender's Game (my departure into sci-fi)
The Double Bind (if you're intrigued by the Great Gatsby)
The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (if you love Southern chick fiction- I do!)
The Namesake (if you grew up in an immigrant community)
The Book of Bright Ideas (if you like small-town charm)
Special Topics in Calamity Physics (if you love a deliciously complex novel)
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (mystery + international)

In spite of trying to keep up with running, my scale keeps whispering every time I approach it, one at a time please.

Raining

2009-07-05T12:29:00.000-07:00

I was just about to go running when I stepped outside and found tremendous thundering and a little rain. Looks like it will get worse. I'm looking out the window of my office and wishing the Cat in the Hat would swing by to entertain me.

no, no, no, no, no, no, no....

2009-07-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

I arrived back from Texas today after an extremely harrowing plane ride. Our small commuter jet circled the Springs for 45 minutes after a couple of scary attempts to cut through a storm. I have never been in such prolonged turbulence. The lady in front of me made use of several vomit bags. Everyone on the plane kept a barf bag close on hand.

Arriving home, I thought I was done with fright for the day. I watered my garden, gazed lovingly at the mountains, and gave myself a facial. Then I checked my email. There was an update from match.com on suggested future dates for me. One of the pictures looked very familiar but all out of context. It was a colleague related to my new job. No!!!! I always like to trump bad with stupid, so I sent an email entitled Is this a bad work dream?

Told Lucky tonight I'm designing a new collection of keepsake figures called Awkward Moments. They will feature scenes from my life starting with tonight.

Good day in Texas

2009-06-30T19:25:00.000-07:00

It's a good day in Texas when you wake up and head for the Alamo. After remembering the Alamo with due respect, you stroll the river walk as slowly as possible since the temperature is 105. After agreeing with your friends that it's something you definitely won't do, it's so hot you end up going to Walmart for cheap water clothes to stuff yourself into a tube at the water park and get pushed down the river by 9-year-old boys.

You head up the road to the Grist Mill for a great Texas meal noting that only in this state can you find a restaurant that makes their own salsa and their own mashed potatoes. You stay for live music thinking-- where else besides Austin can you see such amazingly, heartbreakingly, great music for free with an audience of 18? Drive home singing Dixie Chicks at the top of your lungs. I was always told that in spite of not liking Texas since I had to move to Dallas a senior in high school that I would love Austin. So true. How can you not love a city where everyone flaunts stickers saying Keep Austin Weird.

storms brewing

2009-06-27T16:22:00.000-07:00

I wrote a controversial post. Then I went outside and saw that storms were brewing. Came in to hit "delete." Hot weather makes me cagey. No storming necessary here.

I went garage sale-ing (I'd rather making it sailing) in the Old North End today. I found some antique windows that will become art objects and a vintage white Swiss dot 30's era dress. I was very tempted by a fur shawl that my friends claimed I had no occasions to wear. I may be having Great Gatsby delusions.

Sticky Mango Rice

2009-06-25T20:16:00.000-07:00

This week is about having a wide range of experiences-- power tools to pedicure, flea market to driving range. Southern cooking to Thai dessert. I had a good night of wonderful conversation and great food with Tea & Metro. Here is the recipe for Mango Sticky Rice in my own imprecise words:

Locate Rice. Unable to find sticky varieties at King Soopers, I opt for sushi rice. Soak enough of this to make 4 cups in water overnight. Drain out water and reserve. Steam rice as directed on package. I use that leftover soaking water again to steam the rice.

Sauce:
1 can coconut milk
8 T. sugar
2 t. salt

Bring this to a boil. Reduce to simmer. Simmer until slightly thick. Pour some of this over rice to let liquid absorb for 30 minutes.

Heap rice on plates. Top with additional sauce and sesame seeds. Serve with mango. You will have leftover sauce unless you make 1/2 the quantity listed above. What else are you going to do with a whole can of coconut milk? Cheers!

Southern Comfort

2009-06-23T21:29:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I found myself in need of comfort and wanting to avoid the usual choices- frantic activity, Greg, or ice cream. I was fortunate to turn on the TV and find Our Lady of American Comfort, Paula Deen. I've always wished to have an aunt just like this woman. Just hearing her sweet southern drawl calms me. I think it's the mixture of her cooking, her kindness, and her acceptance of herself.

Wanting to wrap myself in her like a blanket, I went to the library to pick up her biography. She has a pretty rough story- told with lots of humor, love, a little cussing, and some great southern recipes. I get convinced that if I could make a really great banana pudding, all would be better.

This is fitting with a general southern theme since I've decided to dub my neighborhood Little Appalachia. Both my next door and my accross the street neighbors have pierced nipples, and I've spoken to 2 gentleman in the last 24 hours who are missing several teeth.

I am a walking tornado

2009-06-22T16:03:00.000-07:00

I had never owned a power tool until today. Never used one really. I took junior high home ec instead of shop. When I moved into my house I was dating a man who drilled holes for me. The closest I've ever come is probably owning a mini-food processor. It's dangerous. After seeing what it does to carrots, I'm sure I should use safety goggles to operate it.

But with a yard comes the necessity of tools. I thought I would skirt the issue entirely by mowing my modest lawn with a push mower. The mower, while adorable, left big ugly edges of tall grass. So today I bought a trimmer and extenion cord to use for the leaf blower I picked up the other week.

The first roar of the trimmer was a little intimidating. I underestimated and created a few bald spots on the lawn. I was just getting the hang of it when I accidently caught the cord in the trimmer. Oops! Then I tried the leaf blower. The sense of power was amazing. The machine roared and pine needles and ant hills scattered. I felt like a walking tornado. I'm sure I will resort to using this tool again on days of feeling powerless. It's tempting to set up little village scenes with plastic figurines and demolish them. I maybe understand men and their fasination with power tools a little bit better now.

father's day...

2009-06-21T14:07:00.000-07:00

...has me thinking about inheritance. I've studied the inheritance of the 12 tribes of Israel. I've read East of Eden. I can't square of the beliefs my crazy fundamentalist parents have of legacy with those stories. My parents have been fairly successful. Their suburban Chicago home is paid off. They each own a used Lexus and spend free time travelling. Nothing flashy, but they're in good shape.

Last summer my brother told me they're not leaving us anything in their will. Their estate will be divided into 4 parts. Each child will then designate a charity to donate that money to that falls within the guidelines my parents have pre-determined. They've only announced this to my brother. Aside from that, they've asked me several times if there are objects I want. Ask now, or it's gone. The only item I wanted turned out to be the first gift my dad gave my mom- a jade bracelet. She lost it. I wish that instead of asking me to ask my parents would choose something special for me just like God chose something special for each of his tribes.

This stream of thought has spilled over into prayer ideas. Should I keep asking for things I want, or should I just hope and expect that God has a special inheritance for me that he's carved out in his will for me? Better than what I would ask for. No conclusions on this yet.

garden

2009-06-19T19:49:00.001-07:00

When you have your own garden you can cut whatever flowers you want to. These are some I cut today. Unmerited bounty for me.

I've been listening to country music a lot. I always thought of it as wholesome family fare. But the recent hits tend to feature 2 themes-- how excited the men are to have sex with their woman and red neck pride and swagger over trucks, cheap beer, and fried foods. I do admire that optimism.

western slope

2009-06-19T08:46:00.000-07:00

I'm back from an amazing tour of the Colorado Western Slope. It was a beautiful trip. I'm more grateful than I can say to live here and have a reason to tour colleges in resorts towns. What if I lived in Indiana and had to tour their Western slope? Yuck. Highlights were definitely Gunnison and Durango. I want to go back. Soon. CO counselors also make excellent road trip companions. In spite of having to decide group norms, everyone was positive and easy-going. The men suffered through our Mama Mia sing-along, and everyone cheerfully lugged their bags into shared dorm rooms. In my next life I may go to college at Ft. Lewis.

Returned to my garden and my monster yarrow have grown up to my shoulders. Tried to golf again and am ready to renounce my Scottish heritage.

unspiritual

2009-06-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday and I'm feeling particularly non-spiritual today. Church was boring and long. I wanted to throw paper airplanes. Maybe I should figure out what's eating at me, but I would rather watch old episodes of America's Next Top Model and take a nap.

On Friday when I turned on my TV, I discovered that converter boxes are a big fat lie and do nothing. After some guidance from Lucky, I made several calls to comcast in search of cheap cable and internet. It took a couple of calls and a lot of negotiating to different salepeople to get someone to confess to having a basic plan with no frills. My cable and internet install guy came yesterday and said I have the cheapest plan he's ever seen. Wonderful small victory for me!

growing stuff

2009-06-09T10:26:00.001-07:00

I thought I would be bored this summer, but I'm discovering I'm good at filling the time. I got brave enough to turn over a section of dirt and wildflowers in the back to start my own little experimental patch. Nothing too brave to begin with- hostas, lupine and red fox. The rest of the yard is all CO practical with grasses and little water required, but this patch aspires to be Washington. I also planted some herbs.

Do you have a favorite quote from a friend? My friend Meg once said that when she was little she had the biggest crush on Almanzo from Little House on the Praire. That tickles me. She asked if I shared her affection, but my admiration is all for Charles Wilder who knew how to do just about everything. It makes me wish current day survival skills required more than being a good shopper. I was making lemonade this morning from frozen concentrate and brewing iced tea. It occurred to me that it's rare to be served those beverages in other than a powdered form.

misc thoughts

2009-06-04T15:25:00.000-07:00

Even though the guy at the iphone store promised the device would make all my dreams come true, I've found it won't blog and I'm tired of those darned tiny buttons. Thoughts round-up:

There's nothing more boring than being trapped in mingling where everyone is travel bragging-- dropping names of countries they've stepped foot in like it's a hint of a relationship with a celebrity. The art of storytelling is a gift I hugely admire. I was amazed to hear my friend Dan could tell way better stories about a client's crazy, cluttered house (think huge amounts of art and half-dresed child) than anything I've heard of Costa Rica. I confess to not always being a great conversationalist. Sometimes I just want to work with people-- create something from our hands side-by-side instead of trying to think of another clever thing to say or ask. I loved that aspect of L'Abri since my school work is so solitary.

I had a dream last night where I was the Queen of Acorns. That's all on that topic.

Back to conversation. I got together with 3 teacher friends this morning to walk and eat and pray. This prayer was so sweet and deep and long-needed. The whole year of small group gatherings meant less than this hour of no-hurry and listening and hearing. I'm so blessed to know these women who really hear God. Hoping you hear today too!

adventure searching

2009-05-27T12:18:00.000-07:00

I feel like since I've started this blog I should revise the name to The Mundane Life of Hazel Cade. Life has been a little short on adventure lately. There was a time when City and I had a rule that we would set a limit on only doing one wild, impulsive thing per year. Then it become a goal-- to do a least one wild thing per year. I've now tired of dating adventures and settled into a vocation and house. I've done my skydiving, summers at national parks, working at a ranch, nose piercing, hair dying, seedy club exploring, blind dating, and white water kayaking. What does this leave?

At small group last night there was a couple promoting short-term missions to tribal villages. This is something I have not done. Is it bad to feel the conflict of wanting to go as an adventure even when I know money spent for missions accomplishes a lot more when sent to national workers? My plane ticket could probably cover the salaries of a few workers for a year. Hmmm... I need to think more on that.

envisioning myself

2009-05-26T11:36:00.000-07:00

I ran the Bolder Boulder yesterday. I was surprised to find it wasn't agonizing and had a pretty good time. I do events like that and for moments envision myself as a runner who loves nothing more than getting out for 6 miles a day.

I took my golf lesson on Saturday. I did okay and envisioned myself as a golfer with a wardrobe full of collared shirts, a lot of drinking in the morning, and a husband who drives an Audi.

Reality-- I will probably continue to jog my 3 miles and golf when I have friends who are golfers.

Idea-- Design a new modern pentathalon. It should be jogging, golfing, biking, landscaping, square dancing. I could train for that.

Outfits

2009-05-22T10:48:00.000-07:00

I went to see Angels & Demons yesterday. I give my fundamentalist and cultural elitist friends permission here to disapprove. I loved it and think that the protestant church should have more rings, more secrets, more art (in addition to dewey-eyed Precious Moments and Thomas Kincaids), more archives, and better priest outfits.

I start golf lessons tomorrow with a fashionista friend and am already falling behind in the dressing like a golfer department. I believe she has a new golf wardrobe of choices to wear to each of our five lessons. I own 1 shirt with a collar. It has a very small hole in the shoulder from when I caught it on a piece of the football concession stand. I hope I don't get kicked out. I'm definitely going to buy the outfit this young chap is wearing after I graduate from golf school.

new place

2009-05-20T11:43:00.000-07:00

I'm ready to say good-bye to the last 2 years of commuting up to a world I left behind a long time ago. Lower-upper class suburbia is where I came from. Here I drove with a knot in my stomach every day to work knowing I was never enough to return to that starched and pressed place. Every conversation here has included a competitive edge. Can you be funnier, fitter, more devoted to your job, more popular, louder, a better shopper? Do you have gorgeous, athletic, academically advanced children?

I may be headed for a job where I can use my real laugh (not the forced one) and be an analytical introvert without fear of not being cool enough for the Mean Cheerleaders (the women in my dept.) This fact actually makes me want to cheer! Someone might ask me a question about my life. That would be a change of pace from my life of anonymity here.

finally the incline

2009-05-18T07:24:00.000-07:00

My two big first-time events for the summer so far are hiking the Incline and mowing the lawn. The Incline (1 mile of steps that go straight up Pikes Peak) is something I've been fixin' to do for the last 4 years. I completed the Incline Friday at a snail's pace without any of the rumored screaming muscles people claim you get. I think they say this to secure their parking spots at the trail head.

Side note: I could get away with a lot more if I adopted a Texas vocabulary where fixin' to means I'm actively engaged in good intention. In TX this is almost as good as actually starting. Unfortunately with other TX vocab, it's hard to sprinkle in used of neked- no clothes on and ill intent (vs. naked- just no clothes on) into everyday conversation. (take notes here Birdie)

My career in lawn mowing started late because I grew up with a brother who was the family mow-man, and I just now have a patch of grass about 10 feet by 8. This is an excellent starter-lawn. I'm the kind of person who would run over my toes with a real mower, so I'm starting out with a rusty, antique push mower from the 40's. Check out my shrinking carbon footprint. Actually, I believe the neighbors are saying, "check out that crazy lady throwing her whole body against that antiquated, barely working neandrothal contraption." Still, I'm proud of my efforts. What have you tried this summer?

Cheese Wedge Hospitality

2009-05-10T07:54:00.001-07:00

I got an invitation this week to a non-event. Basically, a friend said, "I've got a wedge of good cheese and some fig spread. I won't clean. You won't dress up. We'll just have wine and cheese and good conversation. Come." So we sat under a string of Christmas lights talking about how great it would be to hold a membership in a cheese-of-the-month club and our feelings about men and facial hair. On a Friday night after a long work week, I can assure you that this was better than an event.

I've had some good conversations lately with friends about hospitality. We get intimidated by the standards our moms set from their great dinner parties. We'll have people over a few times a year for big events. But aren't the great hosts the ones who extend a hundred little non-event invitations? Come on over when my kitchen is not clean, the bras from the washing machine are hanging over the door, and a mysterious smell is coming from the sink.

Everyone these days is too busy for more commitments. I end up especially grateful for friends who are willing to do spontaneous, everyday life with me. Metro has room for last-minutes walks or shopping and wants to take golf lessons together. Keen sends last-minute invitations. Lucky swung by the other week for a dinner of whatever we could both pull together last-minute.

I had dinner last night with some older women with the same complaint. We're so busy, but we want to get to know people in a way that doesn't feel like another calendar obligation. I ask people every week to walk with me. I need to remember to just keep asking, find people who have room for spontaneity, and offer my own cheese wedge hospitality.

asking cautiously

2009-05-07T08:59:00.000-07:00

Never ask the women of BSF to pray for something you're not sure you want. You might ask for wisdom in dating. Then your friend Barb would come along and remind you of the journey you're on. The next day your spiritual director could push you towards your future. Beth could call on your way home and talk about something God told her that reminded you of something God told you. Joanne could sit down next to you an hour later and out of nowhere decide to speak into your life.

I'm listening to country music today because I changed everything with Greg last night. We sat in my front yard watching the sunset (my first from my new yard). I told him we might want different things. We might need time to think about it. We decided to just meet once a week as friends. He looked relieved. I'm praying this decision leads into the Promise Land and not more desert wandering.

Thanks to the friends who God uses to speak to me.

rock and a hard place

2009-05-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

I told my spiritual director I was between a rock and a hard place. She requested a metaphor revision. She thinks I'm in a situation more like a baby's head in the birth canal- kind of gross but hopeful. That all of this inescapable pressure is what's making me arrive-- giving new birth. I really hope this is true because I'm making one of those terrifying decisions right now that can push you out into a place of space and possibility or into a space of huge regret.

old story, new wedding

2009-05-03T10:59:00.001-07:00

Last night my sweet friend Susan married a really great man. They're the real deal. Met at church, dated over a year, sought out a lot of counsel, have never slept together. It was a beautiful, hopeful event. Good, good people. Joy everywhere.

I didn't know anyone attending the wedding, so Susan took mercy on me and asked Randy to invite a single (hot!) co-worker. The night played itself out as usual. I was sitting at a table alone. My friend's brother's father-in-law joined me, flirted with me, and was my dance companion for the night. The single protestant men my age hugged the wall, terrified of the dance floor.

There's nothing like being around strangers who are uncomfortable dancing to make me lose my inhibitions. I requested Sweet Child of Mine, danced like a fool, and did my fake version of swing with the nice man 20 years older than I am.

I also discovered being guest book attendant is a great gig. I got listed in the program, received a thank you gift, got a corsage, didn't have to pose for photos but still got a nice corsage. And I got to wear a cute black dress instead of the ugly, purple satin ones the bridesmaids got stuck with.

The wedding made me want to break up with Greg and date a protestant more than ever. Until, again, the protestants refused to dance. Jesus wouldn't have been happy. He talks about playing music while folks crossed their arms and refused to celebrate. Was Jesus actually a happy catholic with the wine and the dance moves and loud celebrations?

fly below the radar

2009-04-30T09:13:00.000-07:00

I woke up today with my stomach feeling weird and lingering annoyance at Greg last night. 1st thought- do I have swine flu? 2nd thought- why does the man who forgets to buy me anything for Christmas or Valentine's day think it's a good idea to mention needing to go out this week and get his ex-wife a gift for mother's day? Ugh...

I have been reprimanded by a parent for interrupting after 10 minutes of tirade to the say issue she was mad about had been resolved. Several others are mad about schedule change policy.

I don't officially believe in astrology, but I'm just going warn my fellow Virgos out there-- fly below the radar today.

Summer Preparations

2009-04-26T15:17:00.000-07:00

I've been taking a vacation from blogging because I've been too busy getting ready for summer. Being from Chicago, it takes a little effort to get out of hibernation mode. Things I've started:

1. I bought patio furniture. More exciting than it actually sounds. I went to KMart last night and my cashier told me she'd have to run to the back to get the box since the security man was just stabbed. I guess some guy tried to shoplift, got caught, and then punched and stabbed the man who caught him. The great thing about Colorado Springs is that the same number of cops show up for a stabbing (2 cars) as show up for a routine traffic stop. Greg's first reaction-- "I really need to buy you a gun."

2. I decided to do the Boulder Bolder. My mind is willing but my flesh is weak and wants to stop and smell and tulips everywhere we go jogging. Must find more motivation.

3. I have a yard I must now maintain and have been playing Weed or Flower? all week. I can recognize dandelions and clover as invaders, but otherwise could be watering and nuturing whole beds full of lovely weeds because I'm so excited to see green springing up.

Asking God to behave

2009-04-17T14:28:00.000-07:00

First thing- I got a job for next year and will be a college counselor at a school that's a huge departure from the piece of suburbia I'm camping out in now. I'm relieved and happy!

Thoughts today--This year I've had 2 opportunities to study the Old Testament. I'm doing a BSF study on the Life of Moses with conservative ladies, and I'm reading I Samuel with a church small group. The BSF project makes you a true student of the OT. We've followed the Israelites from captivity to freedom to thirst to fire watching to being sent into battles they couldn't have felt in any way prepared to fight. We've studied intricate law and rules on sacrifice. And when there are questions we don't understand, the ladies smile and nod and say, "you just have to trust God has something good up his sleeve."

Then the small group. It's been God on trial every week. Who is this crazy, uncivilized God? He could not possibly appear through mediums, or raze cities with innocent children, or make people fall dead for one-time sins. There is tremendous disapproval over God acting savagely and out-of-control.

This puts me in touch with 3 things that have been on my mind:
1. I'm not comfortable with the wildness of God. I want rewards when I'm good. I expect to be punished swiftly when I'm bad. I want answered prayers, healing, and defeat of death for the good side.
2. I'm longing for the wildness of God. To meet men who are fierce, masculine like him. Who are who they are regardless of my fickle, changing ways. In charge. A world full of unpredictable possibilities and adventure.
3. We're bad at studying the Bible. I would like to just read the fun parts, but it messes up the whole story when you take pieces out of context. Tea and I discuss this lately. We just want to read the stories that resolve without reading the difficult parts building up to the climax. I need to be a better student.

shoveling

2009-04-15T07:25:00.000-07:00

Today I wore my favorite comfort outfit to work-- black t-shirt and overalls. I ran into a friend who asked if I was heading to the ranch today. Nope. Just at work shoveling shit. Glad he understands me.

Reading the Pioneer Woman makes me feel like there are stories to be told surrounding meals. This past weekend I had my family in for Easter. I think I had the makings of new traditions. For Good Friday I made cheese fondue, Thai chicken skewers, salad, and chocolate covered strawberries. Makes me think about having a family from Chicago and living spread over several states. We're not particularly ethnic. We've all been to other countries and eat liberally from other traditions. Good reason to have Thai and Swiss together. A lot of friends say My Big Fat Greek Wedding reminds them of their families. It reminds me of my family too, and we're the Millers.

Easter was church set-up team friends, breakfast burritos, and chocolate crepes. French and Mexican. Rugged and sophisticated. My church is a bit artistic and crazy for my family, but I thought they were among the prettiest people there with their nice suits and city affectations. How did I end up among this tidy, successful bunch? How did I end wearing overalls to work today?