Resolve

At the beginning of last year I was so optimistic I felt I didn't need resolutions. That lasted about 6 weeks. This year I have my act together earlier and will join everyone else in choosing a focus for my energies.

Resolved: I will give more thought and consideration to my appearance. Yes, this is a shallower goal that I'm taking seriously. Tending to live in my head as I do and having many granola values, I can be pretty casual about looks and dressing for utility. On the up side, I can be ready to leave the house at a moments notice and am usually prepared to run if needed. (See Dar Williams quote below). On the down side I would never describe myself as pretty and utility doesn't help much for self esteem.

Progress: Got a better haircut yesterday even though I got a mediocre one 4 weeks ago. Splurged for the good shampoo and conditioner. Joined a gym because running is good for my mind and heart but not optimal in itself for what Teelio decribes as the war against cellulite.

Dar: So now I'm in this clothing store and the signs say "less is more." More that's tight means more to see. More for them not more for me. That can't help me climb a tree in ten seconds flat.

Because

Because my friend forgot to pick me up at the airport yesterday, I needed to call Greg to get a ride home. Because he didn't know in advance, Greg needed to bring his son with him. Because they drove me home, his son played in the yard. Because he played there, Greg's son hugged me good-bye. Because this all happened I'm in deeper than I planned to be.

December has seen a rash of friends who flake out and Greg who comes through. At the end of the day he is the one who sticks with me. Is it possible to collect so much gratitude that one day you could trade it in for love?

Wild at Heart talks about men being made to come through. It's what they do well. If men are made to come through for you, what are women made for? I'm guessing to be supportive, but that sounds a lot less heroic.

Christmas in Chicago

Christmas in Chicago has brought every kind of major weather- 2 days of snow, freezing rain, flood warnings. We've hunkered down in the house with the fake clay fireplace logs burning steadily. Everyone is up to their usual hobbies. Richard talking about quitting the law firm to start a surf camp for missionary children. Must learn to surf first--not a serious obstacle. Dad reading through retirement property listings with huge magnifying glass. Mom cooking and talking about her work with refugee families recently settled here. All trying to find gifts for the nieces and nephews that they don't already have and calling from Target to confirm. "Does Noah have a transformer that looks like a tank?" "Hmmm..." "How about a green fighter jet?"
"Yes, Summer is very into pretend, but she has everything the store would have." "Actually, we do already have a big bean bag toss game. There's not much room for it next to the giant bounce house we just put in the basement."

It's actually nice and quiet. I hope you all are having peaceful days with your families.

walking around downtown

I needed to some downtown shopping this morning and found a new place to try. So I'm sitting here at Smiley's next to a vase of carnations and a metallic painted seahorse lamp with beaded shade. Rockabilly is playing in the background from speakers next to paper cut-out snowflakes. Masculine gals from CC are having breakfast next to me. An artistic looking mom and her 2 young sons all arrived with their own reading materials. The lady behind me is knitting. I like this. I'll be back.

Thursday night in a different downtown adventure I ran into a party that a club owner was throwing and a big debate over whether the owner should donate money to the Colorado Springs School. "You know why I don't give extra money? The kids don't need caviar. "C" is for cat, not caviar." Then a lively discussion on the importance of a school polo team followed.

These venues are only 3 blocks apart and serving up 2 different realities. If anyone who has shopped around told you their favorite downtown breakfast joint you would know a ton about their personality. Sassy King Chef Diner, Breakfast Standard Olive Branch, Spicy Jose's, Cave-like Poor Richard's, Neighborly Raven's Nest, Friendly Dog Tooth. Comfy Smiley's is now on the list.

put down your guns

It was suggested to me yesterday that I needed to read Wild at Heart and give some thought to sympathizing more with men. So I bought a copy, but I feel a tremendous aversion for this project. Because:
1. This might only make me think relationships are too difficult & I should keep my easy one.
2. Men would never read such a book about women and don't put much effort into understanding the soul of women. (okay, the fact that I just typed that suggests why I have this reading project to begin with).
3. It's not fiction.
4. The assumptions in the book made me feel like men are soooo broken and sad. I want them to be strong and good and brave.

Regardless of hesitations, I'm generally told I should work towards being captivating and not so much being wild. We'll see how it goes...

Remember

yes, this means something I was wanting to remember Saturday.

Darkest Night

The very wise band Over the Rhine titled their Christmas album, The Darkest Night of the Year. Curious. But this year it's comforting. The music, gifts, shows, and parties all seem burdensome this year because last year the same events were filled with expectation and wonder. But I still love the lights. I have 2 trees up, love driving through downtown and was totally grateful to see that next door Giles and Jamie threw lights all over their ramshackle set-up. (Their rooster seems to be gone, and I wonder if he became an early Christmas gift for someone else).

The last few weeks have been full of brawling and distance- at the bar, close to my neighborhood, in my school. I'm not the only one to pick up on this as my pastor spoke on God's wrath Sunday (odd for the gentle Anglican), and another friend's pastor spoke on getting through the winter in our lives. This is the time when we want to soak in any possible light we can get- Christmas tree, the unusual Sunday afternoon break from winter weather, candles everywhere.

"Arise, shine for your light has come and the glory of the Lord rises upon you." Hope you find light wherever you can get it today friends.

so loud

Steinbeck wrote about each of us having a question we spend our whole lives trying to answer. With co-workers this season I feel like the question or demand of their soul is coming accross louder than anything they actually say to me.
Counselor 1 "I am the best."
Counselor 2 "Take care of me."
Counselor 3 "I am likeable and beautiful."
Boss "I want to have fun!"
Secretary "You will respect me."
The consistency of the messages is a little overwhelming, and I don't understand why I pick up on this more clearly with colleagues than with friends.

Today I tackle the big project of Christmas shopping for my family. Where do you find the gift that says I know you, I understand you're into all things conservative, I made an effort to buy upper class gifts from a middle class perspective, and is light & small enough to take on the plane without lugging along a 2nd bag? I hope Macy's. Best of luck to you friends in your shopping endeavors.

back to deep

It was a holiday full of sleeping in with a cold and Nyquil help, shopping, and hanging out. I had almost exclusively mundane conversations. Then I got back to work today and immediately had to jump back into mediating between sons and moms. The mom who is making her son visit a military school this week as a threat. The kid whose dad died of cancer last week and talking to his mom about his belief he needs to fill his father's empty shoes.

I wish I could blame the Nyquil, but I could only laugh at myself last night when I discovered I had been responding to texts from someone when I thought I was writing to an entirely different audience. 338-5966 and 358-1966. A mathematician would never confuse those, but I recall that profession coming in last place on my Strong Interest Inventory.

Point of pride- I successfully built a fire in my stove last night that lasted hours. Point of confusion- one of my neighbors seems to have acquired a rooster. I believe it arrived on Thanksgiving.