Sisters

Maybe because I saw the Sound of Music cast reunion on Oprah. Perhaps since I am taking my own vows soon and giving up my worldly possessions and clothes temporarily. I am interested in nuns lately. Growing up Protestant, I mostly observed them in movies and wondered at the beautiful old convents that I was told were empty or had become schools or wineries. I'm reading the memoir of a woman who became a nun in the 60's.

As she talks about the the community she finds in the sisterhood, I keep imagining living in a convent full of my friends. We all have the old habits. I walk down to the kitchen in the morning to find Sister Susan kneading bread in the kitchen. She is inspired because Sister Sarah is in the room next door practicing an organ piece to play at mass later that day. Sister Elizabeth has just hauled a basket of green beans in from her garden to string. Sister Joanne is taking an aged nun for a walk on the grounds to get a break from the infirmary. I'm heading up to the library to dust.

Would we survive? Would we thrive in contemplative life? Everything changed about nuns in the 60's as they gave up habits, convents, and saint names. Still it's interesting to consider the merits of that life-- being set apart and belonging to a community forever. Just know, friends, that I'm thinking of you and imagining you in a veil. And snickering just a little...

Weight of the World

For Joanne.

How can you run with the weight of the world on your shoulders? I tried. I can't. Working out in my recent history had gone from an endorphin boosting habit to drudgery and punishment. The good, kind trainer from the gym left town. This left the muscle-faced John (I don't think he smiles, just flexes his mouth) and dominatrix Tara in his place. So the normal workout friends left. Pat claimed knee pain. Michelle, a back out of whack. Karen, a very long trip. So it was down to me and the jocks. Johanna and Janna, the personal trainers. Jeff the owner of a martial arts studio. Karen the long-term student of Johanna. And that left me a full set behind everyone Thursday, doing push-ups alone with the class looking on while both mean trainers chanted for me to go faster, go lower. Everyone else got, "good job!" I slunk away from the gym in tears feeling every bit a 6th grade girl. Not fast, not muscular, not skinny.

I wanted to avoid running this morning, so I actually read my Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) notes. I usually skip this step, feeling it's like Cliff Notes that I don't need for enrichment (stop cringing Joanne). But there it was. "...we are not to fear or dread what secular persons fear and dread, for the Lord Himself is faithful is what He promised that He is the only one we are to fear and dread (Is 8:12-13). And then I ran. Without music, without goals, without seeing the disappointed faces of John or Tara, without the dire warnings from recruiters, without the cautionary tales of weak women failing out of officer school from my friend Kelly who's there now. I was lighter. I ran with my whole body instead of just trying to pound these weary legs into the ground. If I am faithful in training, God will be the Sovereign deciding my place in the world and in the Army. With this body. Without John's approval.

My mom left me a note this morning of a smiling kid flexing his skinny, muscle-less arms. Caption: They can take my lunch money. But they can never take my pride.

Ten Things my Mom Taught Me

1. Relationships are important.
2. Reading is a life-long joy and door to discovery.
3. Practice hospitality- "God gave us everything we have to share."
4. Be kind to people who have to serve you in their jobs. Make their job easier.
5. It is enough to be clean and neat. (Still working on this one).
6. How to cook.
7. Respect people from different backgrounds.
8. Celebrations are important. Birthdays, traditions, & holidays matter.
9. Be available to serve others.
10. Enjoy God.

This woman is the most patient person I know. I can say I've been taught but not entirely that I've learned. She's a lot to aspire to.

10 Things My Dad Taught Me

My friend Tea & Sympathy inspired me with her own list (thank you!), so here's the list of things I learned from my father, in his sayings where possible:
1. Listen and ask questions -"The wise old owl who sat in the oak. The more he heard, the less he spoke. The less he spoke, the most he heard. Now wasn't he a wise old bird."
2. Sleeping well is required for living well- "Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."
3. Be a person of action-- "Think you can, think you can't. Either way you're right."
4. Be financially conservative. Avoid debt, things you can't afford, anything that's show-offy.
5. Be generous. It's a greater joy to give than to receive. Gifts matter.
6. Pursue knowledge. I've been listening to NPR and watching PBS since infancy. Developing curiousity is as great an advantage as intelligence.
7. Work hard. This is a man who hitchhiked to college with just one suitcase in hand.
8. Find ways to not take credit. I have found my car washed, my directions written, items fixed without any announcement of intent or completion.
9. Think long-term. When the possibility of draft arose, he enlisted first and chose finance corps which paved the way for a business future.
10. Remember where you come from. You're not too good for used shoes, cheap meals, or sweat inducing work.

balance

I have come to the conclusion that I'm a whiny complainer who will never be happy. I spent the last year moaning about being alone. Now I'm continually belly aching over the fact that I never get time alone. Is there a just-right? A let's have dinner together, but I would like to forego anyone watching me make breakfast, turning on fundy radio or moving within my personal radius of 5 feet before 9:00 a.m.? This is only reasonable in my head until I try to make it words out of my mouth. Bad Princess!

And church. I attend singles groups and think most of the people there are weirdos. I judge them for requesting prayer for a 'relationship' that so far is only one actual date. For ugly clothes and the wearing of sadly inadequate bras. For the use of trite christianisms. But where are the normal people? MOPS. I shuffle back to my designated Weird Single corner.

Food. I'm on an odd diet where I've had to give up grains, sugar, dairy, corn, potatoes, & legumes. It's a little taste of purgatory this side of heaven. So I have my precious snacks I guard and get a little territorial when someone else wants my nut butter, sad sugarless pie, or coconut chunkies. I feel like a mean puppy guarding its yucky chew toys. Is it reasonable to live with people who share all with me and not want to hand over my paleo pancakes? In my Lord of Flies inner life, Yes. In the Purpose Driven Life house I actually live in I deserve a sugarless existence.

Will do better. Will try harder. And maybe I'll work my way into the next level of purgatory!

the slow down

I've always been a fairly cerebral type-- reading, cooking , entertaining, writing. Before leaving Colorado Springs I was hoping for a phase of life that was less stressful, less complicated. What I've got now is a life of callused hands and sweat. I actually decided to completely forego a shower today. Why bother when I go from gym to hot bakery to a few hours at home before knocking off to run tomorrow and go back to hot bakery? Probably good practice for January to be doing manual work all day. Probably good habituation to get dirty more often.

Otherwise:
I miss my friends and think about them all the time. Susan taught me about panna cotta which I made myself this week for my b-day. Joanne comes to mind with instructions on push-ups. Beth would love the walks I take along the Fox River. I miss going to the gym with Polly. They would like it here.

one of these

Living with my folks has led me to moments of surprise at how alike I am to my family and what makes me one of these people.

These people- Can live with a nearly silent house where everyone is reading at the same time, think visiting a sculpture garden is a wonderful Friday night activity, love good deals, watch Antiques Roadshow as a chance to learn about history, visit the library religiously, look forward to ice cream night as a weekly event, can eat bananas every day, listen to classical music

I also am not like these people and othertimes wonder how I ended up with the same last name when I feel like a foreigner. This person- does not think it's a sign of the End Times whenever there's a natural disaster, loves tequila and does think there are moments it can lead to more fun, hates clocks that tick, votes for democrats, loves spicy & exotics foods, refuses to sort laundry

As a back to school shopping gift to myself today, I bought a pair of red converse very similar to the ones I owned in 5th grade. Fashion circles back around!

looking

Today back in the land of money I was looking for the beautiful people. They were conspicuosly absent from both the horse jumping competition we visited to see a friend's daughter and the republican fundraising dinner my dad bought tickets for. Just normal people who dress badly.

Looking for a job in a place that doesn't smell bad, doesn't play loud music, doesn't sell trinkety junk, and will take someone over-qualified.

Looking for a church that has no choir, no suits, no crazy fundamentalists, and does have a pastor with a theology degree. Not totally family-focused. Not in a warehouse.

I am a demanding consumer.

11 Months Later

"When friends found out I was going, they said, ...Why? Aren't things hard enough already? Women suggested healing teas, accupuncture, retreats, solutions intended to promote a graceful consultation with my dark luck...What I had a harder time saying was this: I did want difficulty, a new sense of what I could stand...I wanted movement, even of a tricky or frantic kind...I was trying to determine where or in what to put my trust once two cherished connections had failed." There is Room for You -Charlotte Bacon

I have pulled up roots. I've moved back to Chicago with my folks while I await a shipping date of January 10th to attend Army Basic Training and continue on to Office Candidate School. The above is the best justification I could give you today. On other days I would tell you I was seeking adventure or a new career or a chance to move around or just walking through open doors.

This place offers familiar comforts-- coffee shops on every corner, the sight of women taking walks in beautiful saris, neatly groomed lawns and parks, a garden full of over-grown squash & rhubarb, every kind of shopping possible from gourmet grocers to farmers markets.

I interview to work at a coffee shop tomorrow. My life has rewound to 10 years ago.
-Signing off from the new headquarters...Hazel