grater

I'm pretty sure the cheese grater is one of the most barbaric inventions ever created. After many years of avoiding them by just chopping cheese into small bits, I braved the grater to tonight to shred fontina. I was just finding my shred pace when I noticed the cheese had a pink marble. Oops-- not a cheese trait, just my blood as I sliced through my own finger on the very dangerous jagged edge. Beware any reader who eats my risotto!

A special ed kid came to see me today for thoughts on what he should do about his girlfriend cheating on him. It's not easy at any age or lifestage. I feel your pain kid-man.

chasing the elusive

4th date with Greg, and he reveals he has an ex-wife and son. I reveal that I work on a daily basis with kids who have step-parents they hate, and I don't want to be one. I make a mental note to always ask about this on a first date. Should first dates resemble interrogation more?

I met with my roommate as confessor and told her I'm turning a corner where I can't take this seriously anymore. She agrees that I have been chasing the elusive for too long.

exfoliant

I'm back from Lillith's trying to process the first visit ever to this sister. She tells a different story of our parents and our family life from what I've written things to be. She's all tragedy and blame. I need to find a way to wash off the dark vibes she radiates. Do spas offer such treatment? Maybe an emotional exfoliant?

Santa Fe is cancelled because my travelling companion miscarried yesterday. I hurt for her.

Now I need to find a way to get happiness and joy into spring break before my time is up. The weather is on my side. I just need a brilliant idea...

opting out

This Easter season I’ve been bad about giving everything holiday-related up that’s family oriented. I opted out of lent, skipped the non-Sunday school part of Palm Sunday, and played hooky tonight for Good Friday. For Easter I’m planning on making an Easter breakfast for others at church, but I’ll probably head home directly afterwards.

It’s not that I’m devoid of religious thoughts. The retired professor this week told me that as he grows older, he believes less but more devoutly. I’ve been reading up on the emergent movement, and it occupies my thoughts about what I resist and embrace in the church. This week I resist having to hang out around the holiday but embrace the fact that I share so many secrets with God. I love the times he sees me smile or knows something that makes me happy that no one else shares.

Happy St. Patrick's

Dear St. Patrick,
I hope you’re enjoying your big day. I wanted to stop and thank you for my favorite Irish things. You’ll be surprised to find me not mention Guinness.
1. Hard Cider- I wish they would dye this green and sell it for $2 instead of beer. (Is this Irish or English?)
2. Red Hair- I admire this so much I dye my own hair. My soul twin Jeremiah had red hair and so does Brian. I believe it conveys special powers.
3. Potatoes. Baked with broccoli and cheese.
4. U2.
5. While I don’t like those whiny, tense Celtic women, I do enjoy your livelier tunes.
6. Bread Pudding.
7. Green happy hour specials. (I imbibed a lime jello shot this evening in lieu of car bomb).

Blowing kisses to all my Irish friends today!!!

better

I'm feeling better about Brian today after burning the candle he bought for me and going out with Adam. Adam arrived in a lavender shirt. He had longish, dirty nails and was fairly effeminate. You know what kind of feminine men I like? Gay ones. Ones I watch on Project Runway. For dating it doesn't suit.

Happy Palm Sunday to all! Today I'm aware of how much we need to feel the good king is on his way. Was with the girls tonight feeling the weight of fear in approaching God and not finding his favor, not getting his goodness.

Review of Dates

I had breakfast with Greg this morning. I was thinking this wasn't headed anywhere but feel really comfortable with him. He has a warm, gentle spirit. I was the one who mentioned potential future events.

The evening was going well with Brian-- high energy running around downtown for food, music, drink, and candles. I was feeling great about things. Until the last moment at my car door.
Brian: So...third date..., first kiss....are you feeling it? (I'm not lying. He really said that).
Hazel: You can't ask that way!!!
Awkward silence. Then attack of the tongue. (Apologies right here to sensitive readers!) Kissing is apparently not something they teach at U of M law. I can tutor in that but imagine it would hurt his feelings.

Sidebar for City--sometimes Brian reminds me so much of Steve T. it scares me.

good charlotte

Tuesday was the chance to talk through theophostic prayer with Tea and understand where the cracks had been in it for me before. And then she offered up the prayer for me that she most wanted for herself, and it was beautiful.

My body is staying sick and hurt to probably tell me there's something I have to change in my mind to preserve myself. I don't know what it is yet. I was just surprised to be driving home Tuesday and hear Good Charlotte sing I Don't Wanna Be in Love and have that deeply resonate with me. What is this about? I'm supposed to go out with three men this weekend, and I feel like that will be playing through my head the whole time.

This song is making a liar of me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_mhpRz0liA

Don't do it

Today a teacher communicated to me that a parent was complaining I was too green at this job. I come in first, leave latest, and do my best. I have spent a lot of time with her daughter. If you ever have children you will be tempted to insist loudly on the best for them, want to see their needs met at the sacrifice of others, want to bend rules where they are frustrated. Please don't do it.

I explained to another man why I don't text. I needed to hear a real voice today and the texting I will not do.

I could call the men I went out with last week who think it's my turn to contact them. I will not call today.

Needing to move to the positive-- I will spend time outside today and touch the grass, I will hug a friend with my real arms, I will return my book to the library which gives so much and asks so little of me. I will be grateful for the technology that makes this blog possible. I will be glad that the man I didn't text returned my phonecall. I was discussing in a weekend class that not all entertainment leads to joy. I'm trying to get there hour to hour. I'm grateful some of you read even when I'm a pill! Thanks.

The Rules

I always think that there are universal dating rules. Maybe I should publish them. I've been on 2 first dates where the guy at the end has said I should call him sometime if I want to do something. Don't they know that the rule is they're supposed to call within 3 dates to say they had a nice time and request a 2nd date? Is this only my rule or is it universal?

Theme date tonight was sketchy to swanky, so we started at Front Range BBQ and continued to the Broadmoor. He did know the other rules-- open doors, pay, say you're having fun. Maybe I should just focus on following rules for me-- ask good questions, smile, make eye contact, say you're having fun. This should get easier when we move past the rules to actual friendship.

gentleness

Tea has been posting things she's grateful for, and tonight the word gentle made the list twice- once in reference intimate friendships and once in reference to gentlemen. Lately this is something I crave. In meeting a lot of men of lately, I feel like that's a quality I instantly seek out and get drawn into. Even in the students I meet, I connect to the ones who are very messed up because they have gentle, sensitive souls that are touched by every influence around them. It's something I want to see in a man's eyes.

Something I'm grateful for tonight-- the moments you hear a Neil Young song, stop whatever you're doing, and close your eyes to sway a little bit. His voice goes right to my soul and makes me quit motion.

love, hate

I have, like many friends, a love/hate relationship with technology. I move forward with resistance but eventually catch on. Today I joined Netflix. This may sound out of character because I don't have the passion for film many of my friend have. My queue is filled with old episodes of Dawson's Creek. I'm using technology to move backwards, reliving the 90's. I also got a text message that made me happy, so I'm warming up to that medium.

When it gets popular to throw 90's parties, what will that look like? Will it eventually be hilarious to wear flannel shirts, baggy jeans, and play Nirvana?

Nothing catchy here

Tonight I went to a dance show at CC. Where else would there be a performance based on pi or a point number about the primaries in Eastern Wyoming? Good food for inspiration.

I'm feeling pretty guilty because 2 of the friends I saw when I was sick now also have the flu. We were together when I was just mildly sick and probably the most contagious. This means I have no date tomorrow night, and I also now have to host book club. Hosting wouldn't be a problem if the girls weren't competitive about cooking. I need to come up with something easy and brilliant. What competes with wild mushroom risotto or fresh-squeezed lime margaritas?

The Rottweiler

I wasn't feeling great walking into dinner since he didn't call until 10 last night to set things up. But he showed up and was good looking. He was also incredibly nervous--talked really fast and didn't make much eye contact. I found out he carries handguns (yikes!) and he promised to show me his commercials. Not what I expected from a television attorney. Things went well enough for a 2nd round.

Just when I thought was going to wash that man right out of my hair, Josh sent a text in response to one I sent on Saturday. Don't worry. I didn't respond. I just need to strengthen my resolve by tracking down a copy of the music from South Pacific.

evening in Wisconsin

Tonight we dined at the Mason Jar, which made me feel like I had stepped into Wisconsin for an evening. The wallpaper looked like real logs, we were surrounded by seniors, drinks were served in jars and most of the food options were fried or with gravy. The secret shopper bit sounds like a good deal with the free meals, but the 2-hour long follow-up survey got boring since you don't get to make up answers. (Was told I couldn't say we were greeted with a Howdy and invited to square dance after dessert).

We came home and Me Gusto actually took my idea seriously that it would be easier to buy his dog slippers than to get rugs to cover the hardwood floors. I had just commented that we don't get fun mail, so that's something to look forward to. Obviously, I've had a lot of excitement for a Tuesday.

This week's roster

Friday night my kind friend Tea took a walk, served me pie, and let me infiltrate her apartment with germs. It was a perfect Friday night. After that the weekend was a sleeper, finding me bored and lonely enough to see a solo matinee yesterday. Things are looking up with this week's dating roster and the hope of future weekend romance.

We have:
Tuesday- dinner with Roommate, Me Gusto, and a friend Roommate initially thought wasn't good enough. I've sunk enough that now she wants to introduce us. She told him I don't like facial hair, and I hear he let his goatee go. Gusto's trying to talk him out of his 2nd job at Blockbuster in hopes he'll begin to socialize.
Wednesday- getting together with an attorney who has a rottweiler, and I fear may be a rottweiler. He tells me he has a daytime television commercial. He considers people asking him questions at church as interrogation. What are we hiding?
Friday- going out again with Greg. Still nice. Still not much to talk about, but he's "stoked" about many things.

I'm just hoping to be distracted enough not to think about Josh.

Life Improvements

I have a friend who says she needs help learning to play. That I can do. In turn, she was talking to me last week about taking good care of myself the way I would want a man to. I was a little stumped on that one, saying that stuff doesn't bring me that much joy. I thought harder and did come up with a few life improvements. Today I went out and bought new big, fluffy towels. This was such a minor investment. Why did I wait around using the same old ones for 6 years? I got some new underpants which were not cute but look comfortable. I also bought bread from Great Harvest. I could be getting out of hand. Any other suggestions for favorite life improvements?