campfire cocktails

Memorial day weekend was spent thinking about 2 soldiers. The one I broke up with who I would have been camping with this weekend and the one I'm dating and anticipating a break-up with. Thank God for distraction tonight in the form of Celestial and her willingness to humor me in a campfire cookout. We unbent wire hangers to roast hot dogs and s'mores over the fire. It was almost as good as camping. We couldn't see stars, but we could drink rum punch out of martini glasses. I think I should make this a new yearly tradition.

Garden update: The corn is sprouting and there are tiny little buds of cherry tomatoes. I check every couple of hours to see if anything new has sprung up as this is miraculous to me.

sister dilemma

I have this sister who a long time ago was diagnosed as bi-polar with personality disorder. The family never talked about it much. I think it was just considered a rough patch. She grew older, got married, had kids, became an accomplished mother, and dabbled in being a Lutheran. I believed all was well and would be well.

Then I went to visit her. I saw how much anger she has towards my parents. I saw her using her children to meet her emotional needs and telling them she never wanted them to leave her. I heard the beliefs that she had been brainwashed by the church (think your average suburban corporate standard youth group). Anger towards the alumni association, Chinese bike manufacturers, my too-easy career, not being raised to be practical or good at fixing hair. The list goes on.

I read an article about bi-polar children seeing photos of people with neutral facial expressions and believing the subjects are angry. Is this how Lillith sees the world? Have I been thinking her issues were about maturity and not realizing her issues are permanent ones I have to accept? Forever?

What is the compassionate thing to do? Hold expectations of her as an adult or let her off the hook for an illness the family never speaks about?

life maintenance

Roommate is the most industrious and non-carnal person I know. It always makes me start out with a little bit of guilt in my days of indulge. Today I got a pedicure, got a student massage, and saw a matinee. The odd little part of the day was a broken conversation with Vietnamese Pedicure Man. He held up the color I had chosen. "I like this one- spice. I see it little bit nasty. Like girl 25 and getting married and she not wearing white dress." Super. Thanks for sharing. Apparently my toes have been slutted up. Trampy little things.

White Glue says she is a magnet for people sharing their darkest secrets. I may be the magent for bizarre thoughts.

Saw the Prince Caspian movie with Pony Tale. It was good. There was this line about wondering why Aslan hadn't appeared or proved he was there to fight for his people. The response was that perhaps the people had to prove themselves to him. I wondering now about whether we have to prove ourselves to God.

like Billy says

I had coffee with a friend the other week. She mentioned she wanted to try out Weight Watchers. I said, "good for you!" I nodded in consent. This has been bothering me since. What was I consenting to?

The real answer for her should have been something about it being great that she was pursuing something she was excited about. And then a bunch of editorials on how she is already lovely, radiant, and good enough. Good hair, good smile, athletic body. Good as created.

I was in the shower last night with the song Just the Way You Are running through my mind. I need to offer that out more to people.