A Study in Contrasts

I've been simultaneously reading two memoirs- Bread and Wine that is a memoir of a married woman who has a lot of friends she makes beautiful food for all the time and re-reading Craving Grace about a single girl who gives up eating sugar in a search to find God's grace and to let Him be her sweetness. So I'm studying the feaster and the faster. I can read about the feaster like a homey fairytale. Abundance of friends, full tables, joy discovered at every turn, great husband, perfect babies, involved parents, really useful recipes. But even though the faster tends to have a whiny tone and suck-y joyless life, I can relate to her craving. I'm trying to live in the middle.

I've tried to be a feaster-- thinking I could eat anything I wanted and making every day a celebration. That just leads futility to working out and a hunger for more. I've been a faster-- eating in crazy disordered ways, keeping to strictly slim fast and power bars while running 6 miles a day. That just leads to being really tired.  Both lead to jagged, unsatisfied emotions.

I'm back to where I land with the reality I keep forgetting. Paleo is what works for me. Gluten and dairy are not my friends. I went through 3 days of horrible sugar withdrawal and am back to looking better, feeling better, sleeping better. But this time I want to make it beautiful and enjoy it. So I make my own crackers today. I bought a spring form pan to craft a gluten-free, dairy-free cheesecake.

I'm supposed to have dinner tonight with a man I found out last night has a foot fetish from a friend whose roommate dated him. He wanted to suck on her toes. Yuck.  I'm pissed that this is my option. My boss this week made me find the regulation about earrings and uniforms when I forgot for the 1st time in over 2 years to take out earrings before PT. Then he wouldn't give me time off to take friend to the airport. My life is maybe a tad whiny and sucky. But until I become a musician, food is the beauty I can create, and I need to wield that towards the moderate feast.