cerebral vacation

I booked the most cerebral vacation possible today. I've had enough people tell me I should go to L'Abri that I finally decided there was a reason. I will spend 2 weeks in June visiting sunny Rochester, MN contemplating the goodness of God and sharing in communal chores. I reserved the first flight I found within hours of hearing of space. It's official. I feel led to do this but also hesistant that I'm pursuing something that isn't easily found. I need to reconcile what my church says about God not being about our happiness vs. Captivating saying God wants us to know he thinks we're beautiful and that he's fighting for us.

Misadventure in dating- Went out with a 40-year-old pilot instructor. On my way to Shugas I see him leaving Phantom Canyon with a friend. I know it's him. After our drink he says he saw me. I play dumb.

Conventionals

I just had a horrible happy hour with the Conventionals from work. They were all playing poker later tonight with their husbands, and I clearly wasn't invited due to my broken alone status. I also have been labeled at work as being "cerebral." I suspect this status equates to boring and weird.

Girlfriend 911 dispatched me to Keen and Celestial. Keen used her beautiful, figurative language to describe why the house she's buying is the Bike Tree House. She's hip and wonderful-weird and will let me come over to watch Sex and the City with her and her fiance as our last quality time together before they tie the knot. Celestial and I commiserated about veiled mean comments.

I've spent a lot of time and effort this year trying to fit in at work. I'm not capable. Eventually the gig is up, and I fall deeper into the girl who loves reading and thrift store clothes and uncool music. Good thing I can still run to my band of Unconventionals.

fat hippies

Count yourself lucky if you have girlfriends you can talk to without the conversation drifting to things they hate about their bodies, hair, faces, skin, etc. I had a conversation yesterday with someone who wants to confront an anorexic friend. This is from a girl who eats meals exclusively when she's with her boyfriend.

Don't get me wrong. My hands aren't clean on this one. I strategize daily on how hard I should try. I'm just also glad I have friends who also talk about near miracles, great books, what they think about God, and the community they want to live in. Some days I want to go hang out at a hot springs with old, naked, saggy hippies. I think they've got important things figured out.

messy

I have this friend who's an artist. She has great, creative outfits and looks like she should be on the cover of Get a More Interesting Life magazine. Tonight she expressed concern about being too messy for other people. House not in order-- piles and dust as breeding ground for inspiration.

This was good to know because she gave me permission to be messy-- teary eyed, sweaty backed, runny nosed. It's good messy. Like when it rains and there get to be muddy puddles and worms surface from the underworld. She lets my worms surface.

crazy?

It was a rockin' Friday night of creating Sunday school crafts. After putting away the blue streamers and gummy fish supplies, I thought I should move on to something more lifestage appropriate. I got online and was searching for singles vacation tours. I'm kind of tempted by the singles cruise to Alaska. Am I crazy? It's just something to think about.

Prom Bingo

White Glue is chaperoning the prom tomorrow and hasn't gotten all worked up about what to wear and feeling old. I had to remind of the bonuses of being right where she is in life. Her husband date won't barf on her or hit on other girls. There will be no awkward posing in front of the fireplace or uncomfortable up-do with bobby pins impaled in her scalp.

If all else fails, I thought she'd feel better playing prom night bingo. Find:
1. The boy whose mom obviously helped with his hair.
2. Date that look most uncomfortable with each other.
3. Guy who obviously wants to dance but doesn't know how, so just sways conservatively.
4. Girl who needs safety pins to hold dress together.
5. Drunkest date and disgusted partner.
6. Sluttiest dancers.
7. Most elaborate up-do.

Should be a good time. I'm opting out this year.

deleted

So I deleted last night's comments. But I appreciate the responses. Thanks girls for wearing your hearts on your sleeves. We all need confessors.

per Tea's request

I was asked to list 5 things that make me a good catch. Here goes:
1. I can find creative ways to spend my time.
2. I'm low-maintenance on getting ready to leave the house and can depart at a moment's notice.
3. I'm supportive.
4. I care and can find creative ways to express that.
5. I like to be outside.

Then the 3 problems:
1. I don't balance my check book. (on the plus side, I don't overspend)
2. I'm never in the shape I want to be in. (I do exercise consistently though)
3. I can get tense and anxious. (Nothing to console myself with on this one)

There it is.

back to blog

I've been neglecting my blog because everything on my mind was too dramatic and weird (think visions of a jousting field). I got my time back tonight because I confess that I went MIA from Bible Study. The leader was showing a video I think was called, Evangelism Through Threats and False Analogies. It actually involved taking to the street with a microphone and handing out tracts that described those heathen going down like the casualities in Titanic. The whole lot of craziness was too much to absorb and embarrassing to witness.

Today at work 2 students asked if I wanted to go paintballing with them this weekend. Do I take that as a sign of friendship or a request to be used as target practice? Hmmm...

escape from the rain

It's raining/sleeting/snowing out, and I'm escaping for a night with the book club. We're reading about a woman sailing through the Virgin Island (Embarassment of Mangoes was a decent read). I'm just really hoping the traditional book club wine has been replaced with rum for the evening. (Not that sake has ever replaced the standard wine for Asian reads, but I'm hoping!)

Since I'm doing a better job of taking care of my soul this week I feel like I have more to offer my students. One said she wants to meet weekly. I got another one to contemplate doing homework as a form of self-expression.

day 1

Day one of trying to be captivating went very well. I think this was helped tremendously by a surprise chance to sleep in late. I actually wore makeup and clothes that weren't black. I then went to Starbucks and read before work. Every day should start like this! Glad to know I have solidarity as my girls join me on the journey (thanks yesterday responders!)

On a separate note, I've been using a no-recipe cooking list from Everyday Food as my kitchen muse. Two things I've been very happy with:
1. Wrap thin chicken cutlets around fontina and ham. Saute. Add crushed tomatoes and simmer.
2. Saute mushrooms. Add to a packet of sauce (pesto alfredo mixes well with soy milk). Serve over sliced store-bought polenta.

captivating

I just returned from a weekend away at the captivating retreat. It was such a good break to stop and think. My greatest realization of the weekend is that I need to break agreements I have made with the dark side. How many times a day will I need to reject these thoughts?:
1. I am ugly
2. I am fat
3. I am not chosen
4. I will always be alone
5. God will only come for the lovely.

I believe if I could permanently break my agreement with those, I would be living a different life. I just need to find a way to stay in touch with this message. I had beautiful vision this weekend that I pray to see fulfilled.