I've always struggled with doubting God's goodness. That's my spiritual weakness. I understand sovereignty, power, the need to be disciplined, some theology, etc. I thought I would be assigned a stack of books to read on the subject that would satisfy my intellectual curiousity. Nothing helped.
2 days before leaving, my tutor sat me down to talk. I had determined I had done all I could to get myself unstuck in life and that I had to wait on God. He felt God was waiting for me. For what? I tried everything, was tired and wanted to give up. Giving up actually felt wonderful. My tutor said it also feels good to give up running a marathon at the 24th mile. It only feels better because you're not running. Good point. He asked me to consider forgiving God.
We forgive other people because we recognize the same weaknesses in ourselves that they have. But God has no weakness. Still I've needed to reconcile with Him. Anne Lamott said something about forgiveness as the end of hoping to have had a different past. So I'm trying to make peace with God on the past and be okay with what He for me.
I'm still struggling with the goodness aspect, but the reconciling is bringing a lot of peace.
1 comment:
This feels sweet. I've had to forgive God too and I've found it opens things in my heart again.
Post a Comment