Close

Last night as I was wandering through the mall looking for a Valentine gift for Greg, he called and mentioned for the 1st time that his son has autism. Really? What's up with the secrets? I drove home listening to a song called Skeleton Key about this guy lamenting that his girlfriend is willing to morph into any shape to fill the spaces in his life she thinks he wants filled. He just ends up really confused about who she is.

A few hours prior, Life Coach came to talk about a teeny ager who spilled her guts to him and how he feels an immediate need to pass her off to a female confessor. Will she feel betrayed by him at the handoff? Is it super unsafe for him to offer friendship?

I'm confused today about how close I should be to the males in my world. It's been years since I've had a soulmate. Maybe that's why I read so much and keep thinking about getting a dog.

The Tender Bar

The Mostly Downtown Book Club has me reading The Tender Bar-- memoir of a guy who grows up without a father and gets raised by the neighborhood bar. JR Moehringer reminds me of all the guys I knew in college from the philosophy dept. They all carried the mixed blessing of brilliance-- questions that plagued them and the accompanying ailments of depression, alcoholism, and irritable bowel syndrome. Best quotes:

"First love or last love,--which of these two passions is more omnipotent? Which is more fair?"-Longfellow

"Do you know why God invented writers? Because he loves a good story. And He doesn't give a damn about words. Words are the curtain we've hung between Him and our true selves. Try not to think about the words. Don't strain for the perfect sentence. There's no such thing. Writing is guesswork." -Moehringer

"People just don't understand how many men it takes to build one good man. Next time you're in Manhattan and you see one of those mighty skyscrapers going up, pay attention to how many men are engaged in the enterprise. It takes just as many men to build a sturdy man, son, as it does to build a tower." -Moehringer

faker

Prof. Doom asks me a lot of good questions and has some concerns about my consumer mentality about religion. He's generally unsettled by free agents like me who have no devotion to a denomination, taking all the hard work of predecessors in faith for granted. I have no huge opinions about communion or baptism or membership. It got me thinking about my origins.

I confessed to the good professor that I'm just an anglican faker with an evanglical upbringing by Baptist parents, a Reformed education, the spiritual gifting of a mellow charismatic, and the literary leanings of a pomo mainliner. Friends-- have you signed with a team? If you moved to another city would you automatically commit to your same denomination? Do we lose something by not steadfastly adhering to one tradition becoming flaky in our biblical illiteracy and appreciation for church history?

P.S. Add mysticism to my shopping cart of religious desires. I decided to pursue spiritual direction over counseling after having a counseling picture drawn for me of a trapeze that instructed to let go of where I'm at hoping God will catch me. This free agent isn't going anywhere God isn't already hanging out.

experiments

These are the things I'm trying in life lab this week:

1. Spiritual Director-- I'm meeting with her on Monday. I'm told this experience could range from her listening for me to having me draw prayers to learning spiritual disciplines. More on this later. Since meeting with her I long for silence and am going through a little car radio detox.

2. Tea lattes from Starbucks- the discovery that threatens to make my cheap decaf coffee or green tea habit into an expensive vanilla rooibos soy latte occasion. Amazing.

3. Shampoo without laurel sulfates. A friend convinced me that I need this and sent me to scour the baby shampoo collection at Whole Foods. I believe this will be the 6th bottle of shampoo in my collection at home. Bad over-consumer! Just let me know if you need shampoo. I can set you up.

Anything else I should be trying?

Knight on Horse

I went to a church prayer thing yesterday. In the afternoon I had the chance to be prayed for and wasn't certain it was a good idea. But I had a vision of my friend Steve walking into battle surrounded by these other men and took it as a sign that the men present needed to pray for me. I shared the picture in my mind, so Steve was asked to pray. He started reading his journal from that morning. He had a vision of himself riding in from battle wounded, dirty, exhausted. He came home to the castle, rescued someone, and left again clothed in new armor, new energy, and an army of men following him. I had seen the last part of his vision.

I looked up and expected to see Steve standing at 6'5", hugely muscular, and with a dangerous Clint Eastwood gleam in his eye. I saw just regular Steve and realized that he's not a leader of men because he's a human giant. He's just the bravest one who would take on tasks no one else would step into. I hope this is all realized for Steve, the bravest anglican man.

rouge counselor

I was thinking thoughts that could get me kicked out of my own profession last night. I was doubting counseling. I decided to see a counselor and was very excited about this--someone to open me up like a book and read me and help me choose my own adventure. Over Christmas I carried around these huge questions that I thought counseling could answer. Instead of making a Christmas chain to count the days until presents, I wanted a chain to count the days until enlightenment.

Then I went last night and found the emptiness and boredom of just trying to explain who I am. Then having light shed on how I'm messed up, my ambivalence about love, and how hard I am to read. Given things to think about. Chances are that when you give me something to think about, I've not only pondered it-- I've obsessed over it.

What I really need in my life is a pray-er. Does anyone hire themselves out to do that? I don't want to get in touch with my logic, inner child, wounded nightmare of a personality. I want to touch the divine. Let me know if you have references for that.

Joanne- welcome to the blogdom! Olive- welcome back--your pictures and thoughts were missed!

new everything

I get in the January funk of knowing the holidays are over, and summer is a long way away. I've tried to fall back on old escape routes-- new goals, new hair. I even found myself at a new grocery store yesterday just to take in a change of scenery. (Turns out Safeway is actually less interesting than King Soopers.) My dreamy distractedness has caused me to ruin two pans this week-- food burning as I mentally departed for Alaska, a new relationship, life on a boat. Good novels are the closest thing to escape I can get right now, but it's been too long since I've had an actual adventure.

In non-adventureland I had a major discovery. I told Greg I wasn't in love with him. Since then he wants to spend a ton of time together and buy me a lot of new clothes. I think I'll begin every relationship with, "Very nice to meet you. You seem nice. The kind of guy I could like but never fall in love with." That would certainly take the pressure off.

wanting to ask

Dear Protestant Man,

I had been wanting to tell you that you always ask really good questions. Your life story is usually fascinating. You try to do the right thing. You are bright and have worthy hobbies. When I'm with you I feel like I can use my native vocabulary and be understood.

I've been wanting to ask you though, why are you so conflicted? You seem so afraid that if you come through for someone God would ask impossible things of you. I wish I could help you be braver.

Dear Catholic Man,

I had been wanting to tell you that I love your courage. That you know how to be sweet and tough at exactly the right times. That you don't worry so much about God kicking you to the curb. You hold a lot of security.

I've been wanting to ask you why you never try to talk to God. Why your vocabulary is so full of cursing that you don't sound smart like you are. I wish I could tell you everything God tells me and be sane to you.