slow your roll

"there is a world of difference between being offensive and saying something that offends...the man who makes a racial slur betrays something ugly in him. The friend who says you've had too much to drink spares you something ugly in you." - John Eldredge, Beautiful Outlaw

And so I sat willingly tonight with the guy who's willing to hold up the mirror to who I am. I've created another romantic disaster, and I'm at a place where I'm so wanting to change and stop making the same mistakes. No more carnage. I'm terrified of the havoc I might wreak in Japan, surrounded by Marines and fighter pilots.

So I got this advice:

- back off-- too much enthusiasm and effort scares guys away

- don't be so harsh-- my rough, critical edge are too abrasive

- communicate-- say exactly what you want and expect

I'm only spelling this out because I want my friends to hold me to this. Please hold me to this.

soldiers don't cry

Dear Ulysses S. Grant- I have failed to live up to the family name today. I've put on the game face for the gas chamber, the great heights obstacle course, water survival, and NIC at Night. But the clinch drill did me in today.

This drill involves going up against an NCO who will punch you until you get them in a clinch (hold). Somehow I got paired with the meanest/most aggressive NCO out of the 16 who showed up to the fight house. He punched me in the nose right off the bat. I never achieved the proper clinch. I got off the mats & started crying. I had never been punched in the face before. Not fun. Now I am humiliated & not looking forward to returning to class today.

I got an email from a female in the unit I'm going to. She says there are very few females and they are "butchy and rough around the edges." I'm screwed. Must dig deep and find a way to man up.

Later today-- Found out I was only one of 7 struggling to keep my composure. 2 guys got broken noses. Everyone has to call in tomorrow to verify they don't have concussions. The NCOs running the event got in trouble for beating up on us.

mending fences

I feel compelled to mend U.S. fences before I go reek havoc on Japan. Sometimes I feel like a relationship special needs child who learns SO s-l-o-w-l-y. Maybe I should have joined AA just for the general life wisdom of making amends. I found myself sending messages today to the guy who spread untrue rumors about me at OCS, the guy who cheated on me here and let his new girlfriend be mean to me, and my estranged sister who I haven't spoken with in years. Maybe all of this will whittle my pride down to a more manageable size. Maybe I'll just feel more at peace if I let things go. I've always been championship grudge holder, so feels totally reckless. God grant me the maturity not to care when they don't respond.

miscommunications

My little niece got the grand notion at Awana Cubbies last year that Santa is our intermediary to God. She's got big plans for leaving letters under the tree for Santa to deliver to the Big Man, The Boss, the Grand Gifter. My sister is alarmed at the theological accuracy issue, but I think Summer's imagination is well-placed. I understand her.

I have my own communication gaffe this week. I posted a facebook message about my weariness with guys into strippers and cheating. Now my main group of guy friends is very offended since they went to a strip club this weekend. They took it as a public insult to them. They're not open to the idea that there were other events and conversations over the weekend that didn't involve them. They don't understand why their perviness weirds me out. But are the hurt feelings worth it since one of them started wearing his wedding ring again? I will take one for the team.

They say as a female in the army you have to play the role of the slut or the bitch. I think I'm currently pulling off prudish ice princess.

Lonely Chicago Pie

Did you see the movie, "The Waitress" with Keri Russell? She baked life-inspired pies which have been on my mind. There was, I Don't Want Earl's Baby pie, I Can't Have no Affair Because it's Wrong & I Don't Want Earl to Kill Me pie, & Baby Screamin' It's Head Off in the Middle of the Night & Ruinin' My Life pie. So I found myself in need of my own concoction today.

I'm getting ready to leave the country shortly and am bothered by the trail of destruction left by my dating disasters. So it was time to bake Lonely Chicago Day of Reckoning pie. I emailed Jordan and told him I told him I loved him and wished him a whole lot of luck in his career. Then I baked. Take one pre-fab pie crust and bake it brown. Cook chocolate pudding on the stove. Add crushed up berries for sweet little memories, throw in a handful of cranberries and squares of dark chocolate for your bitterness. Mix with cinnamon and prove that the sweetness of reckoning can overpower the bitterness of regret. Eat with friends. Know that since they are guys they will have no idea what you're talking about when you name your pie, but they might unknowingly come under it's influence.