Sweetness

I was reading "Craving Grace" when I came upon a terrible idea. The author gave up sweets entirely for about 6 months. She was angry at God and wanted daily reminders that God was her sweetness. I read this, and initially thought she was another crazy fundamentalist trying to be too pious. And she was making things harder than they needed to be. And she was a tad uppity for announcing devotion to super-lent. And maybe she wasn't enjoying the ice cream God had so lovingly made available.

But as the week turned into weekend I had a little of my own bitterness to swallow. Another break-up to add to my monumental pile of failed romances. A boss who made us stay at work until 11:00 last night watching him read slides as he made painfully unimportant changes (think 1.5 hours on changing the directions arrows on a route map).Getting chewed out for asking if we could leave. Wanting the consolation of a friend waiting in vain for me with wine instead of the guys at work laughing at me over the break-up. Having my credit card number stolen.

The bitterness tasted terrible. I found myself craving a little more real sweetness too and wanted to feel it in my heart more than on my tongue. So I said no to sweet yesterday and no today out of true desire. I have no commitments or timetables-- just hanging on for what I crave the most right now.

I also recently read, "One Perfect Word," which offers the project of finding just one word in the bible to focus on for the whole year. The one that came to me was "tender." I think searching for this sweetness is a piece of the puzzle.

What Goes on in Room 712

While I don't love traveling alone, sightseeing alone, or dining alone, I admit I love staying in hotels alone. There is no greater excuse to indulge in whims and quirks than having your own key in an anonymous city. Especially when you have a roommate at home to keep you normal-ish. I confess to the following:

- spending an inordinate amount of time shopping in the juniors section of the Post Exchange. Yes, I know am too old for this. No, that doesn't dissuade me in the face of good deals and solid jersey skirts.

- visiting the library to read People magazine because I like the pretty pictures but don't find enough content to read for more than 15 minutes

- buying a salad and a cookie for lunch. Only eating the cookie.

- deciding the P90X yoga video that runs 1 hour and 30 minutes is very boring and only doing 45 minutes both times it has come up in the sequence. Still realizing that physical discipline is about submission.

- purchasing a bridal magazine on my day of daydreaming. picking a favorite dress and deciding that bridesmaids, bridesmaid dresses, and color schemes are unprogressive and lacking creativity (if anyone is reading this who opted for the former, please forgive me-- everyone else heartily approves:)

- buying a new camera because I lost the computer connecty cord of my Xmas one, and my sister guilted me about not sharing views of life in the Pacific. I have successfully taken zero photos because photos aren't very interesting to me unless they represent novelty.

- coming home with sad, broken hair from after followng an impulse to get a dye job at the hotel salon that was terrible and resulted in 2 and a half hours of damage repair after a desperate plea to the hotel manager. It is now the color of Julianne Moore's and the touchable consistency of straw.

So it's probably about time I return to practical life. My glamourous habit end tomorrow. Thank God alcohol is not a big temptation to me because my impulsivity runs strong enough on its own.

The Company of Books

I've opted out of writing lately because I don't have time. I've been working 12-14 hour days, trying to squeeze in workouts, and living such a physical life that there's been no leisure for reflection. I got a much-needed hiatus when I was given last minute notice, and shipped off to Korea for 2 weeks of chemical-biological-nuclear-radioactive defense training. It doesn't sound like a breezy topic, but living in a hotel room alone with a mere 5 hours of class a day has been such a welcome change that I just want to stay here and not graduate tomorrow.

The only little glitch is that I'm alone here. No friends at my hotel. My soldiers are in barracks on the other side of the base. Which has given me time to time and made me seek out the companionship of books and stories. I read Craving Grace these last few days and found the friend I needed. I read Jennifer share about the long prayed-for romance in her life, and the rancher she's going to marry. I catch up on the stories and reflections that Stephers shares from life back home. I think maybe because I don't have Christian community here, I ought to write something back in case someone else needs a friend in words.

Bits from someone trying to think again: 1. An author gave me the permission to dream. I spent a day doing that without editing or being realistic. With a magazine and candle and cheap spa masks. That was a good day. 2. Trying to have a perfect body is exhausting. I will never have enough time or money or access to weird ingredients. It's better to idealize someone liking my body the way it is (and keep doing P90X). 3. Grace is so tricky because we can't control it by being good or striving after it. It just happens. 4. No random nice man I date can fill the hole of wanting a Christian man. This makes me feel incredibly ungrateful and inept and powerless. I want to want what's available. 5. Hazel may need her own facebook page because facebook is so helpful but also voyeuristic and freaky.