the bear question

J-Love told me tonight that he got word he'll receive new orders from the army in May. This most likely means a move to Raleigh for 3 years, then 2 years in California. Kind of puts a damper on things.

I asked him my bear in the woods questions. Got this from a novel. You're supposed to picture your own house in the woods, then a table with three items, then a cup, then what you do when a bear arrives. These are supposed to symbolize your dreams (I think), the 3 things you love the most, the love in your life, and what you do when confronted by problems. I hid from the bear. J-Love looked at the bear, decided it was small and harmless, and let it go its own way. Super Clark made friends with the bear. Kenny Bunkport began planning how to attack and kill it. Very telling.

goodness vs. romance

I spent the afternoon with my closest companion--the well-written novel. In The Chatham School Affair I came across the words, "It is the tragic fate of goodness to lack the vast attraction of romance." Hmm...

I kept thinking of whether I am in any way pursuing adventure or whether I will always be the armchair traveler. Travel and adventure are not always closely tied. The only times that have felt like an adventure were Israel, Mt. Rainier, and my relationship with Jeremiah King-- the ultimate romantic idealist. They were the attraction to the wild and mildly dangerous.

It's too bad that the whole book tied to this theme keeps foreshadowing death and tragedy resulting from the attraction of romance.

the holiday

I'm back with bags unpacked, laundry running, and gifts put away. Being back alone in a big house is a little unsettling and a little calming. I have my supply of scented lotion for the year, a little cash to buy clothes, and the multi-use girl tool. For the past three or four years my parents have given me the same type of multi-use tools. They have little handles where various screw-driver heads can be attached. There's also a tiny hammer with flowers on it. I imagine they either think I'm very handy and suddenly as a non-homeowner have a lot to fix, or they get a sense of security in arming me with these tiny tools. The only handy task I've accomplished this winter has been changing a lightbulb. I pretty much tackled that one bare-handed.

fight for it

Funny how inspiration spreads. Tea has this great picture on her fridge. It's a bird with the caption, "Love is everything it's cracked up to be. Fight for it." Tonight I had dinner with a friend who at the last minute decided not to go home with her boyfriend for Christmas. She loves him. She thinks she wants to marry him. I ended up giving an impassioned speech about how she must try to get herself to his side so they don't both spend Christmas lonely and miserable. I was walking this thin line between a guilt trip and pep talk. I believe I knew of this quote just for this moment.

Come Thou Unexpected Catholic

This is for my friend, Vitamin Kimono:

Come thou unexpected catholic
Not of fear or hesitancy
Who knows saints and Mother Mary
Confession, beads and rosary

One Congregation, transubstantiation
Okay with Dan Brown and Anglican me
Terms of endearment and finally fulfillment
Will he end up converting me?

Ad for Scooter

Tonight I went out with Scooter, who arrived with a red rose in hand and took me to a nice Italian restaurant. He was very nice, and I just like Scout too much to be interested. He tells me he goes to my church, so I feel I should advertise him. SWM—loves film, wine and opera. Good with troubled youth. Collects Irish china. Parents own vast property in Montana. I would love to introduce any interested parties.

False advertising

I was out shopping today and decided I needed to buy something more artistic looking to go out with the artist tomorrow. Scooter makes documentaries and has a creative writing degree, so I can’t arrive looking conventional. Similarly with Scout, the Green Beret, I feel the need to look slightly rugged, like I could climb a mountain at a moment’s notice. Is this false advertising? I feel like I’m going up on the auction block and trying to appeal to the right audience. Legend already underbid by a wide margin.

entertainment value

After complaining about texting, I have to admit I won't know what to do with new space I've created in my life. I quit match. Opening email no longer involves any drama, and I didn't realize how much I was relying on surprises in my inbox to entertain me. No more possibilities to imagine-- just the reality of the men already in my life. I will have to start reading again for escapism.

In philosophy club we were talking about how news makes us dumb because it requires a constant feed of new information with no time for reflection. I'm seeing how this carries over into my daily habits and need for information and stimulation.

texting

How many ways do we need to communicate? I have a cell phone, a work phone, 3 email accounts, a standard US postal mailbox, and blog. I try to keep up with messages in each. Still, I cannot convince people that I see no need to add texting. I think part of my suspicion about texting comes from having a friend who was deeply in love with a man in Nashville and deeply addicted to texting. She developed the attention span of a 6 year-old with ADD, high on kool aid and cocoa puffs. When her phone was vacant of messages, she would look at it forlornly, waiting for another sign of hope that she was constantly on his mind to appear. The actual people she was with did little to alleviate her anxiety over waiting to hear from him. I have to think this does little for the pursuit of joy and much for the pursuit of addiction.

Thou long expected protestant

I’ve spent the last few years singing a tune something like (start thinking “Come Thou Long Expected Jesus”:

Come thou long expected protestant
Who can go to church with me
Who reads Miller, and Bell, and Lewis
Accepted by my family

Christian college grad, thinks PDAs are bad
Grape juice communion, loose orthodoxy
Missions trips, abstinence, dances without his hips
God told him he should marry me!

Now that I’m seeing a catholic, the vision for my future may have to evolve rapidly.

happy

This was a rough day for idealism, but I'm happy.

gift of adventure

Tonight I was thinking about Christmas gifts and decided some of my family members could use the gift of adventure. I’m not thinking anything involving polar fleece or REI. I want to create the Great Date Night. What would happen if I gave a Barry White CD and surprise envelopes? Instructions: Take $14, ask at least one person for advice where to eat and go to a restaurant you’ve never been to that’s not a chain. While waiting for your food, tell someone with a great hairdo how much you admire it. Discuss the favorite date you’ve been on and one you would love to go on sometime. Give any leftovers to someone who’s broke. Take $12. Go bowling. Etc…

I don’t know if they would find the fun here or just freak out about changing up the routine. Let me know if you have other ideas for The Great Date.

adult life

Thoughts from Sister Lillith:
"What's wrong with boring? Are you looking for a sky diver or something? ;-) Just kidding, but most of adult life is pretty boring, which is why a comfortable companion is so valuable."

I keep hoping to find the happy medium between constant drama and boring. 90% of me wants the skydiver.

so...

What does this mean? I meet someone I'm totally compatible with. We have everything in common-- work field, church, hobbies, similar concerns, parents from the same cities, etc. The only problem is that he's very boring. If we're exactly alike, I'm worried I'm also boring. The logic looks like:

If Hazel= Legend, and
If Legend= boring,
Then Hazel = boring

tomorrow

There were guns in the church today, and I don’t know how to prepare for tomorrow. How many kids will have witnessed the shooting or lost someone close to them? Comments posted on the local news website already are claiming this is about war against Christians. A one man war? How many more hits can New Life take, trying to ride this out without their old leader? How many more bizarre acts of violence can Colorado absorb and work to prevent? No other church in town would have had security people in place to respond. I hope I have the words to be there tomorrow for students.

shaking the gift

This week I keep going back to something that was said to me freshman year in college. When we know there are gifts under a tree we consider it good form to wait until it's handed to us to open it. You shouldn't pick it up, shake it around to guess what's inside, or wager which gift is for you. Same thing with gifts from God. We shouldn't always be trying to shake the box and guess what's coming to us. I have a hard time with that.

Roommate has a loud voice. I think I overheard her tell a friend that I'm not friendly. I'm certainly feeling less friendly now.

dating purgatory

Things are finally looking up in the dating world. The turn of events include:
Life Coach stops by, and as we’re chatting I realize he would have asked me out by now if he were interested.
I hate getting ready for another dreaded date with a mysterious match man. My hair is especially crazy, I have a big zit, and I don’t look cute in my jeans. He turns out to be friendly and tells great stories of mountaineering around the globe as a Green Beret. I cringe a little when he asks about how much I ski and worry I’ve blown the interview. His parting words leave me hopeful I will hear from him again.
A nice man from the Sunday night party sends an email inviting me to a school play on Thursday.

Can I begin to hope I’m climbing my way out of dating purgatory?

guess who's coming to dinner

Tonight’s adventure was the Asian-themed community dinner hosted by the guy I met on match. I arrived with Keen, feeling awkward but a little reassured that she had been introduced to the host before. Fortunately, the people were friendly and the food was brilliant. (Strange to be at a potluck that included no trace of jello, cream soup, or chips) Things were looking up when I met a friendly science teacher who seemed outdoorsy and artistic. I was interested.

Then I was introduced to the Man Cave. Some of the guys took us out back to show off their special den equipped with pool table, TV, and porn. Yep, that was PORN. If you’re thinking I’m overreacting to one photo of a scantily-clad woman, think more towards porn wallpaper- nowhere to look without seeing boobies. The art source must have been the stacks of Playboy and Maxim on the floor. They must have been trying to decorate on a dime.

Our kind host made a speech about everything there being single and to take advantage of the opportunity. Question—should I believe the porn actually all belonged to the roommate who’s gone to Africa for 3 months visiting his missionary family?

and everything nice

I was baking today and thinking of friends. I made Tea's cozy mocha angel food cakes for a Monday birthday party. Reminder to be a good hostess. Roommate gave me the midwestern cream cheese brownie recipe for my Monday grieving and loss group. Reminder to be generous. City called with tips on Mango Sticky Rice for the Asian community dinner with the guy I met online. Reminder to embrace the exotic and adventuresome. I hope these all get eaten so I don't have a house full of sugar.