the bear question

J-Love told me tonight that he got word he'll receive new orders from the army in May. This most likely means a move to Raleigh for 3 years, then 2 years in California. Kind of puts a damper on things.

I asked him my bear in the woods questions. Got this from a novel. You're supposed to picture your own house in the woods, then a table with three items, then a cup, then what you do when a bear arrives. These are supposed to symbolize your dreams (I think), the 3 things you love the most, the love in your life, and what you do when confronted by problems. I hid from the bear. J-Love looked at the bear, decided it was small and harmless, and let it go its own way. Super Clark made friends with the bear. Kenny Bunkport began planning how to attack and kill it. Very telling.

goodness vs. romance

I spent the afternoon with my closest companion--the well-written novel. In The Chatham School Affair I came across the words, "It is the tragic fate of goodness to lack the vast attraction of romance." Hmm...

I kept thinking of whether I am in any way pursuing adventure or whether I will always be the armchair traveler. Travel and adventure are not always closely tied. The only times that have felt like an adventure were Israel, Mt. Rainier, and my relationship with Jeremiah King-- the ultimate romantic idealist. They were the attraction to the wild and mildly dangerous.

It's too bad that the whole book tied to this theme keeps foreshadowing death and tragedy resulting from the attraction of romance.

the holiday

I'm back with bags unpacked, laundry running, and gifts put away. Being back alone in a big house is a little unsettling and a little calming. I have my supply of scented lotion for the year, a little cash to buy clothes, and the multi-use girl tool. For the past three or four years my parents have given me the same type of multi-use tools. They have little handles where various screw-driver heads can be attached. There's also a tiny hammer with flowers on it. I imagine they either think I'm very handy and suddenly as a non-homeowner have a lot to fix, or they get a sense of security in arming me with these tiny tools. The only handy task I've accomplished this winter has been changing a lightbulb. I pretty much tackled that one bare-handed.

fight for it

Funny how inspiration spreads. Tea has this great picture on her fridge. It's a bird with the caption, "Love is everything it's cracked up to be. Fight for it." Tonight I had dinner with a friend who at the last minute decided not to go home with her boyfriend for Christmas. She loves him. She thinks she wants to marry him. I ended up giving an impassioned speech about how she must try to get herself to his side so they don't both spend Christmas lonely and miserable. I was walking this thin line between a guilt trip and pep talk. I believe I knew of this quote just for this moment.

Come Thou Unexpected Catholic

This is for my friend, Vitamin Kimono:

Come thou unexpected catholic
Not of fear or hesitancy
Who knows saints and Mother Mary
Confession, beads and rosary

One Congregation, transubstantiation
Okay with Dan Brown and Anglican me
Terms of endearment and finally fulfillment
Will he end up converting me?

Ad for Scooter

Tonight I went out with Scooter, who arrived with a red rose in hand and took me to a nice Italian restaurant. He was very nice, and I just like Scout too much to be interested. He tells me he goes to my church, so I feel I should advertise him. SWM—loves film, wine and opera. Good with troubled youth. Collects Irish china. Parents own vast property in Montana. I would love to introduce any interested parties.

False advertising

I was out shopping today and decided I needed to buy something more artistic looking to go out with the artist tomorrow. Scooter makes documentaries and has a creative writing degree, so I can’t arrive looking conventional. Similarly with Scout, the Green Beret, I feel the need to look slightly rugged, like I could climb a mountain at a moment’s notice. Is this false advertising? I feel like I’m going up on the auction block and trying to appeal to the right audience. Legend already underbid by a wide margin.

entertainment value

After complaining about texting, I have to admit I won't know what to do with new space I've created in my life. I quit match. Opening email no longer involves any drama, and I didn't realize how much I was relying on surprises in my inbox to entertain me. No more possibilities to imagine-- just the reality of the men already in my life. I will have to start reading again for escapism.

In philosophy club we were talking about how news makes us dumb because it requires a constant feed of new information with no time for reflection. I'm seeing how this carries over into my daily habits and need for information and stimulation.

texting

How many ways do we need to communicate? I have a cell phone, a work phone, 3 email accounts, a standard US postal mailbox, and blog. I try to keep up with messages in each. Still, I cannot convince people that I see no need to add texting. I think part of my suspicion about texting comes from having a friend who was deeply in love with a man in Nashville and deeply addicted to texting. She developed the attention span of a 6 year-old with ADD, high on kool aid and cocoa puffs. When her phone was vacant of messages, she would look at it forlornly, waiting for another sign of hope that she was constantly on his mind to appear. The actual people she was with did little to alleviate her anxiety over waiting to hear from him. I have to think this does little for the pursuit of joy and much for the pursuit of addiction.

Thou long expected protestant

I’ve spent the last few years singing a tune something like (start thinking “Come Thou Long Expected Jesus”:

Come thou long expected protestant
Who can go to church with me
Who reads Miller, and Bell, and Lewis
Accepted by my family

Christian college grad, thinks PDAs are bad
Grape juice communion, loose orthodoxy
Missions trips, abstinence, dances without his hips
God told him he should marry me!

Now that I’m seeing a catholic, the vision for my future may have to evolve rapidly.

happy

This was a rough day for idealism, but I'm happy.

gift of adventure

Tonight I was thinking about Christmas gifts and decided some of my family members could use the gift of adventure. I’m not thinking anything involving polar fleece or REI. I want to create the Great Date Night. What would happen if I gave a Barry White CD and surprise envelopes? Instructions: Take $14, ask at least one person for advice where to eat and go to a restaurant you’ve never been to that’s not a chain. While waiting for your food, tell someone with a great hairdo how much you admire it. Discuss the favorite date you’ve been on and one you would love to go on sometime. Give any leftovers to someone who’s broke. Take $12. Go bowling. Etc…

I don’t know if they would find the fun here or just freak out about changing up the routine. Let me know if you have other ideas for The Great Date.

adult life

Thoughts from Sister Lillith:
"What's wrong with boring? Are you looking for a sky diver or something? ;-) Just kidding, but most of adult life is pretty boring, which is why a comfortable companion is so valuable."

I keep hoping to find the happy medium between constant drama and boring. 90% of me wants the skydiver.

so...

What does this mean? I meet someone I'm totally compatible with. We have everything in common-- work field, church, hobbies, similar concerns, parents from the same cities, etc. The only problem is that he's very boring. If we're exactly alike, I'm worried I'm also boring. The logic looks like:

If Hazel= Legend, and
If Legend= boring,
Then Hazel = boring

tomorrow

There were guns in the church today, and I don’t know how to prepare for tomorrow. How many kids will have witnessed the shooting or lost someone close to them? Comments posted on the local news website already are claiming this is about war against Christians. A one man war? How many more hits can New Life take, trying to ride this out without their old leader? How many more bizarre acts of violence can Colorado absorb and work to prevent? No other church in town would have had security people in place to respond. I hope I have the words to be there tomorrow for students.

shaking the gift

This week I keep going back to something that was said to me freshman year in college. When we know there are gifts under a tree we consider it good form to wait until it's handed to us to open it. You shouldn't pick it up, shake it around to guess what's inside, or wager which gift is for you. Same thing with gifts from God. We shouldn't always be trying to shake the box and guess what's coming to us. I have a hard time with that.

Roommate has a loud voice. I think I overheard her tell a friend that I'm not friendly. I'm certainly feeling less friendly now.

dating purgatory

Things are finally looking up in the dating world. The turn of events include:
Life Coach stops by, and as we’re chatting I realize he would have asked me out by now if he were interested.
I hate getting ready for another dreaded date with a mysterious match man. My hair is especially crazy, I have a big zit, and I don’t look cute in my jeans. He turns out to be friendly and tells great stories of mountaineering around the globe as a Green Beret. I cringe a little when he asks about how much I ski and worry I’ve blown the interview. His parting words leave me hopeful I will hear from him again.
A nice man from the Sunday night party sends an email inviting me to a school play on Thursday.

Can I begin to hope I’m climbing my way out of dating purgatory?

guess who's coming to dinner

Tonight’s adventure was the Asian-themed community dinner hosted by the guy I met on match. I arrived with Keen, feeling awkward but a little reassured that she had been introduced to the host before. Fortunately, the people were friendly and the food was brilliant. (Strange to be at a potluck that included no trace of jello, cream soup, or chips) Things were looking up when I met a friendly science teacher who seemed outdoorsy and artistic. I was interested.

Then I was introduced to the Man Cave. Some of the guys took us out back to show off their special den equipped with pool table, TV, and porn. Yep, that was PORN. If you’re thinking I’m overreacting to one photo of a scantily-clad woman, think more towards porn wallpaper- nowhere to look without seeing boobies. The art source must have been the stacks of Playboy and Maxim on the floor. They must have been trying to decorate on a dime.

Our kind host made a speech about everything there being single and to take advantage of the opportunity. Question—should I believe the porn actually all belonged to the roommate who’s gone to Africa for 3 months visiting his missionary family?

and everything nice

I was baking today and thinking of friends. I made Tea's cozy mocha angel food cakes for a Monday birthday party. Reminder to be a good hostess. Roommate gave me the midwestern cream cheese brownie recipe for my Monday grieving and loss group. Reminder to be generous. City called with tips on Mango Sticky Rice for the Asian community dinner with the guy I met online. Reminder to embrace the exotic and adventuresome. I hope these all get eaten so I don't have a house full of sugar.

Advent candles

I asked a wise friend once what the colors of the advent candles signified with white, purple, and pink-- colors that don't remind me much of Bethlehem. He didn't have an answer but asked what I thought they should be. I was thinking yellow for the prophets since angels seem to appear with bright light. Moving on to Bethlehem, I would go for brown-- the color of long travel by donkey. For shepherds you could go green as they were hanging out in a field. White would be an obvious choice for the angel candle. The Christ candle could be gold.

Since I asked the question, Wikipedia has filled in the blanks on symbolism http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advent_wreath. What colors would you have chosen?

learning about cars

I just finished reading The Double Bind by Chris Bohjalian. Surprisingly well written. Makes you wonder where the line between creativity and delusion is. One of the better picks in this year of books.

I need to learn more about cars. It's a thing I intend to accomplish but never do anything about. At the Jiffy Lube a service guy was telling me I needed something, and I gave it my okay. He stepped into the garage, raised his fist and shouted, "yeah--I made a sale!" I told counter guy I changed my mind. How important are differential fluid and transmission flushes? Counter guy was kind enough to recommend another mechanic.

reconciling

I admit with some trepidation that I haven’t always loved men. I’ve been attracted to them. I’ve admired many. I’ve just also felt the need to compete and to hold a defensive stance. The gentle musicians, men of color, and gay men have been exceptions.

But now I feel like I’m finding more kindness in straight, white men. One of my fellow philosophy club members brought me an article today. They all listened to me and asked me to lead next time. A co-worker taught me a new game to play with my homeroom. A parent called with nice words. I don’t know if it’s been God’s provision to bring new men to me or His provision to change my heart towards them.

Tree of Compromise

Roommate, Me Gusto, and I reserved tonight for holiday tree trimming. It sounded tame, but I’m used to hauling out my box full of artificial tree limbs and assembling them according to directions for a realistic looking tree. Roommate does not go in for this, so we hopped in the car and headed for the market. I thought Roomy was joking when she asked what I thought of the largest tree on the lot that looked lush, so I said “good.” Oops! After some hauling and rope tying, the tree made it home. We spent the next 30 minutes sawing an inch off the thick truck with a saw that looked to come from a child’s play set. Then there was the tree stand juggle, with my cautious opinions of “maybe it’s not straight OR maybe the trunk is just crooked. You’re doing a great job!” Trimming became competitive as Gusto tried to fit as many ornaments as possible on the tree while Roomy tried to pack them back up quickly for fear of over-doing it. I chimed in that Christmas trees are no place for restraint.

I hope your decorating is going just as well. Cheers!

more on bad sweaters

Life Coach looked nervous and rehearsed when he asked me to attend his bad sweater party in a few weeks. Does he think I only attend events where I'm allowed to wear them? Maybe I should make that my new dress standard as an act of protesting men wearing pleated pants. Unfortunately, that event coincides with my parents visiting on the night we're going to a show.

countdown begins haltingly

Christmas season seems out of whack this year. I had my work holiday party before Thanksgiving. Today was a sunny, coatless day to ride around listening to Winter Wonderland. Yet roommate and I took the precaution of sealing off our windows with plastic for the cold. In Sunday school rather than the typical advent countdown, I was around for prayer week. The 3-5 year olds were helpful in advocating for themselves to the host teacher about the fact that they couldn’t read the words to the song and didn’t know how to adlib prayer. I’m thinking we should be making sheep ears and singing We Three Kings.

The Real Guy

misadventure in dating- forgot where i left off:
The middle school teacher I met today for coffee was pleasant--like talking to a stranger on an airplane. I was under no impression that we would ever meet again or having intersecting social circles. We just tried to pass an hour with cordial conversation. Absolutely nothing wrong with this one, just no connection. It's time for a match hiatus.

Saw "Lars and the Real Girl" tonight. It was imaginative, hopeful, and out-of-the-box. I cheered up. Maybe I will mail order a man made to my specifications and hope my friends and family will grow to love him. He'll look like Jack from Men in Trees

back to normalcy

By this morning I had an overdose of Ann Arbor family fun. I missed the Colorado sunshine, reading, time outside, quiet, and yes my friends-- this blog. I lack family spirit. That's hard to admid because it seems like a good thing. I can have the spirit for 3-4 days at maximum, but it dissolves when I get asked, "is there a reason you're not making circular pancakes?" (mine are round-ish for the record) or "Did you know that our 5-year-old son takes better photos than you do?" I'm glad at this moment to be back in my bed, nestled into the mountains again.

misadventure #5

This evening I was supposed to have coffee with a rental car manager named Jared. He was supposed to call but didn’t. Now I have time to knit!

The Good Pastor spoke this morning about the importance of rest and how we need that spiritually. It was so nice to get the permission to let busyness go. I want to be made to lie down in green pastures and have my soul restored.

Acquisitions

Tonight I find myself richer as I acquired a Hannah Montana set of hair extensions and a mug that looks like a gun at a white elephant swap.

At work we determined that I'm almost Amish. Evidence includes:
- Not having TV
- Knowing how to knit
- Wearing plain, dark clothing
- Going to a college with no greek system & fiercest rivals being the Flying Dutchmen
- I have never drunk from a keg
- I was not allowed to watch Dallas, 90210, or Melrose Place growing up
- Pacifist leanings
The combination of the above plus accounts that my brother and father wear matching plaid bowties have my friends confounded.

Misadventure #4

Tea provided sympathy tonight and brought back the happy.

Misadventures in dating #4:
A spiritual but not religious teacher emailed me. He's into yoga and eastern religion. I just had to be honest and say I was lonely for someone religiously similar. Now I've been invited to a dinner party to meet his roommate who is religiously similar. Last time they gathered, the theme was Italian food and bad sweaters. I am a huge fan of clever theme parties (never 80's or any decade--think festive holiday sweater competition!). He's a PK, and I'm hoping we get to swap fundamentalist parent stories.

Space

I'm feeling reckless and irresponsible tonight. This means I'm ignoring my phone completely. I've dealt with entirely too much reality this week and need to climb into a book. I fear I've already wasted a good hour of my life this week writing to the men of match. Men I'm not that interested in. Men who I will fix my hair for, feel nervous about, meet for coffee, and sit there thinking about an exit strategy. Tonight good fiction is better than poor reality.

Tea- I hope you've had a splendid birthday dreaming up the sexiest bike ever!

Adventures in dating 2 and 3

Adventure in dating #2:
Juggler asked if I want to truck on down to Pueblo to meet him. As a reader, I am certain that no good story could begin with, “He summoned her to drive down to Pueblo. She complied.” That kind of story precedes the heroic.

Adventure in dating #3:
Had coffee tonight with a construction manager. Nice guy, not into church. He swore repeatedly throughout the conversation. Even among the non-churchy, isn’t that considered uncouth for an initial encounter?

Tea—I’m feeling you on the need for space. I’m ending the weekend in serious deficit of conversations with God, exercise and reflection. I want to throw my phone out the window. Still I enjoyed the disussion of the mystery of the emergent church.

Threes Company

I admit I’ve been cool on couples lately. I’ve felt I don’t fit among their society. I got tired of events for them and losing friends to them and their comments about how their beloved is how they experience God. How they only do events together and make comments about single folk that imply a deficit in charm.

But this week I found 2 couples willing to adopt me as threes company rather than 3rd wheel. Invisible Roommate and Me Gusto had me join them for dinner on Tuesday and Me Gusto hooked up my DVD player. Then tonight the couples from work invited me to join them for group date night. White Glue and Super Clark told me I was their date, bought me dinner, and let me be the filling in their friend sandwich. I just needed to find less conventional folk to draw me into the fold.

inner rumba

In the spirit of auditioning hobbies, I let Metro talk me into ballroom dancing lessons tonight. We were the only single gals there with 4 older couples. This meant we got to foxtrot with each other and the tiny female instructor. I felt heavy, uncoordinated, and lumbering as I took broad, flat-footed steps among the bird-like returning dancers. Awkward.

Then halfway through we switched to rumba and the instructor’s husband arrived to dance with us. I relaxed as he coached me through the rumba steps of slow, quick, quick, which were surprisingly much easier than the foxtrot. When I switched to dancing with the instructor she began twisting her hips to the music, and I got it. I felt the rhythm. I stopped staring at my feet, and I found my inner rumba.

I am no bird, but maybe I could be a horse—with wings. And maybe a little rhythm.

movie scene

I relived a scene from my favorite movie, “The Joy Luck Club” tonight. Soccer Coach and I met again as friends at Nosh. I was feeling good about having a male friend. We had good conversation. I brought up dating, and he made it known he would still like to be dating me. We ordered several appetizers—most of which he ate. The check came, he put down his card, I put down mine. Then he made a huge deal about not letting me pay for the whole thing and giving me cash for slightly less than half. Thing is, I never intended to pay for more than my share. I literally had to bite my lip to keep from laughing out loud.

Good girl continues to date badly.

thank you for smoking

Yesterday I was feeling bad about my job and failed interventions in reshaping young lives. Today I’ve been buoyed by my beloved smokers. Two of the kids in my quit smoking group told me that the group is their favorite class. (No need to mention at the time that it’s not actually a class.) And they love each other—not that they used those words. They just find kinship in knowing others who share their vice. Now I need to find a shared hobby to replace the vice. I invited them to join me for ballroom dancing lessons on Friday jokingly, only to find several major fans of “Dancing with the Stars.” That’ll teach me not to stereotype about boys with black nail polish.

blog of joy

I found a fun guy on match who was too hard-partying for this midwestern protestant. Neither of us walked away empty-handed though. I gave him a music tip, and he gave me this little blog of joy: http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com/
See "Strap in, shut up, and hold on..."

I arrived 2 minutes late for the class I teach, and they had abandoned ship. Only 5 remained. We had a great discussion about their family stories of financial struggle. I went out tonight and bought 6 fancy cupcakes. Yes, teachers DO have favorites.

real Sunday

It was an unconventionally conventional Sunday. I had a lovely Sunday dinner with Tea’s family that actually involved a traditional meal, real china, hugging, and a real family. It was pretty remarkable from meatloaf to cake. Nice change of pace from bagels and downloading Men in Trees.

Twice today I’ve been asked to answer if I will seriously consider men who aren’t Christians. I don’t have the answer yet. Are you out there Christian men? Where do you hide?

extra few feet

Had a good coffee talk with Pass the Peace this morning. She exudes a tremendous sense of reassurance that all will be well. She also has magical mothering abilities to convince her 2-year-old boy to entertain himself happily for hours on end every day. She should hire herself out as a parent consultant.

“Sun Comes Up” by Cowboy Junkies was running through my mind all day. I felt inspired to go to a matinee by myself, buy a kid popcorn snack without getting teased, use both armrests, and leave when I thought the movie had already been about to elegantly conclude 4 times.

Tonight I kinda like the feeling of this extra few feet in my bed.

Polls are open

Tonight’s dating candidates include a 41-year-old fireman whose divorce will be finalized in 2 weeks (1 ex-wife and one child) and a hippy hydrologist who spent the last 2 years running an after-school juggling program in the 3rd world. The polls are open for your votes. No need to mention the party affiliations they represent.

I’m off to spend a rockin’ Friday night chaperoning a high school dance. Maybe the DJ will play Leonard Cohen for me.

Prizes

Today a teacher got a huge financial award from a foundation for being such a great contributor to the future. I left the award ceremony and told my science teacher friend I was definitely switching to teaching so I could be a candidate for a prize. “Yeah,” she said, “you’d pretty much have to take a bullet for someone to get a prize in your field.”

If you happened to check out Jonathan Coulton, I also highly recommend the remix of Baby Got Back.

the old retainer

Happy Halloween! The Ugly Betty costume was a hit at work. People were mostly impressed with me wearing my real retainer from high school even though I couldn’t pull off braces. Note to friends—men seem to like orange tights.

I’m not at a bar with Bella Boy. We spoke briefly when I called the number he gave me from work. He was very whispery, annoyed that I would think he could locate downtown CS, and in a rush to get off the phone at work. This means I can hold onto brisk, purposeful movement and searching for someone to call me “Girl”, and who I can call Champ, Sport, or Chief. We’re not seductive here, just campy.

bella of the bar

I’m a disaster as flirting and worse at seduction. Tomorrow night I may possibly have drinks with someone who refers to me as Bella. It scares me a little. I feel to play his game I might need to start smoking, wearing cleavage, and moving languidly.

I keep praying God will speak to a Christian man on my behalf and that I can stop playing this game I fail miserably at.

waiting for a splinter

I just had an inspiring talk with Tea about honestly. Soccer Coach called, and I was ready to kindly and rationally divert us onto the friendship path. Unfortunately, he was in a great mood—going on about what an amazing coach he is and how stupid journalists are. Then he wanted to take credit for inspiring the edits Keen made. He really didn’t get that the edits were to entice other men.

Can you give bad news to someone in a good mood? I’ll wait until he has a splinter, his team loses, or his sweater itches. Yeah, yeah…I know I’m a big chicken.

Revisions

Well girls, this late post isn’t due to a long night out with the coach. He smelled nice and was a great conversationalist—interesting and generous with questions. He’d like to get together again and is genuinely good company. Unfortunately, he cusses like a sailor and mentioned he thinks people in my field are idiots. Ouch!

I declined dinner with him for meeting up with Keen Idea. On my way to her house I was braking quickly to avoid hitting a large, very hairy dog in the road. As I waited for it to pass, I realized it was a bear cub as it checked out my car and scampered on up a light pole.

We watched Sex and the City as Keen made numerous edits to my online dating profile. This comes naturally to her as she volunteers for the humane society writing personal ads for animals waiting to be adopted. Minor switch from “adorable lab anxious to catch your Frisbee” to “caring idealist seeks rugged artist.” She decided dancing is now a hobby of mine. We’ll see what the new bait brings in.

retirement practice

Tonight I’m practicing for retirement. I got home from a crazy week at work, searched for some yarn in the basement, went grocery shopping, curled up with my laptop to watch TV, and am topping the evening off sitting here in sponge curlers at 8:44 p.m. You’re probably embarrassed for me.

Sponge-curler me wonders if I’m really up for going out with the soccer coach tomorrow. I could be a little fringy and sensitive for him. What lies in the soul of a coach?

3-2-1 Contact

Today:
3 of my students busted for drugs at school
2 of my students who want to work out with me as they try to quit smoking
1 song that never fails to make me smile.
http://www.jonathancoulton.com/store/downloads

Look for Code Monkey. You won’t regret it.

poncho shopping

White Glue asks, “Is there a hair color requirement to get into my 1st block class?”

I answer: all new additions will have hair color that resembles nothing allotted by nature, multiple piercing, criminal record, issues with males in authority. Students will be assessed on ability to cut a straight line, draw a monkey, and choose the color glitter that best corresponds with a specific color marker.

This was my clearest thinking of the day. After work I visited the thrift store to work on my Ugly Betty costume. Big find—a silky paisley blouse that ties into a bow at the collar with matching sweater vest. The thrift stores may be onto this costume idea because ponchos were suspiciously overpriced. Big hint—save poncho shopping for next year

dust to dust

Tonight I returned to the comforting companionship of the old men at philosophy club. We were talking about bioethics and got on the topic of burial vs. cremation. I didn’t know this was controversial, but they were saying that there is tremendous significance around laying a body to rest in preparation for resurrection. I need to do more research on this to be convinced. I feel like I was created from dust and should return to the earth that way. Also, I’m suspicious of embalmment as a way of avoiding the reality of death. Seeing my embalmed aunt was a little traumatic for me.

seriously?

I met this guy on match who I seemed to have fun things in common with. He liked to hike and was an extroverted introvert. He also wanted to grow pumpkins and own a goat. Then I talked to him. He mentioned maybe my roommate’s boyfriend could set me up with his brother. Each scenario gets progressively worse.

fat and happy

I spent a brutal 45 minutes this morning with the trainer my gym provided for 2 free sessions with my membership. I think I prefaced the answers to all of her questions with, “I know this is the wrong answer but…” Then she got a little miffed when I requested doing upper body instead of lower as I think exercises like lunges that make it hurt to walk or jog are counter-productive. She doesn’t get my logic. I saw White Glue after that and told her as my arms still shook that I was reconsidering the goal of being thin and gorgeous to instead pursue being fat and happy. One should always end trainer sessions with the opportunity to see the look of approval and acceptance in a friend’s eyes.

Tiger Lily

Tonight I saw Into the Wild. A fresh college grad falls in love with Idealism and in the end she kills him. This is why I’ve never read Walden. I’m afraid it might make me follow the crazy yearnings I get to head to a small town, change my name, and be lost in the woods with a new life.

Today confirms that the Lost Boys I work with want to be found. If I sit down with them to talk about homework, they’ll offer up focus and completed work for a little more attention. And they’re thankful. Who would have thought they’d be grateful for someone making them work?

secretary's prize

The secretary today asked how old I was and if I was single. People had been talking (Yikes!) She thought I was 25 or 26, so I was pretty happy to hear that! (And I was only trying to stick at 27). There’s a teacher who thinks I’m cute and apparently needs some help getting the scoop. Unfortunately, this man of mystery is not doing anything to talk to me or get to know me—I guess he’s just watching me. A little creepy, leaving me not knowing whether to feel hope or dread about what my secretary friend is cooking up. She left me with, “This is a man I’m trying to marry off.” Should that make him sound like a prize or a dented coffee table?

I got my hair cut by a complimentary gay man. Hearing him rave about my hair made my day. He asked what he could do to convince me to let him play with colors in it. “As soon as I marry an engineer, I’ll totally try that.” He wants to meet the twin brother of that engineer. I like a man who understands me.

ungrateful me

Sometimes I think my mom understands me less than anyone else I know. Tonight she wanted to talk about how Christ-centered a wedding was because there were so many admonishments for the groom about spiritually leading his family. Then it was on to several stories about couples my age, and how happy they are, advancing to the fact that my younger brother is dating someone who will be with us for Thanksgiving. We followed that up with getting my gift advice for my friend City’s wedding reception—a glass pitcher with a verse engraved or a plate that says “you are loved.” I admit I was in a snippy mood by then and told her that buying large, breakable items for people who are flying out for events is never advisable and that my friends are not the crafty, country types.

The worst part about this is that this morning I had a girl crying in my office about the death of her mother 5 years ago. She can’t stand walking through the halls and hearing people complain about their parents because she just wishes she had parents.

Normal people

This week is off to a more promising start. I did have to go shopping with Care Bear and have him ask where he should order lunch for his new special friend. (Arby’s???- oops, that wasn’t very helpful). Later though, I got to talk to Life Coach about my bizarre weekend and how it’s hard to sleep after watching a bouncer make someone pass out and meeting a teenage boy who thinks he should be a Playboy bunny. He thinks I should hang out with more normal people like him. Agreed. (Though I did have a lovely, normal evening with Tea over the weekend—thank you faithful reader and kind friend!)

Invisible Roommate took me out for dinner and wanted to hear if I was happy living here. Lesson of the day in pursuing happiness: Starting expecting the best instead of the worst. I try to re-learn that at least every other week.

blurring lines

Tonight I went with 2 Jewish social workers to cook and have dinner with a group of homeless teenagers. I thought the mingling could be awkward, but the kids seemed hungrier for attention and conversation than they were for Swedish meatballs. The two kids who hung out past dinner to chat had both been kicked out and disowned by their families when they announced they were gay. The boy eagerly ran to his dorm to change and show off his playboy bunny costume complete with heels and blonde wig. Later he wanted me to admire the quality of his $200 sweatpants bought with money he gets when wealthy relatives die, despite the fact that he hasn’t seen his parents in 3 years. The girl shared her thoughts on being pan-sexual (where gender doesn’t exist and only personality attracts) and got her box of poetry, mementoes and photos to show off.

I’ve had gay friends before and a summer roommate who was bi. It’s just a new thing to be talking with teenagers who don’t believe in gender and are transsexual. I feel caught between my social worker friends who were cheering on the blurring of all lines and my xian friends who would want me to convert the kids immediately out of their damaged identities. My theology and pragmatism don’t reconcile here.

Sidetracked

I have lost the Invisible Roommate Game 3 times today and she suddenly wants to have dinner this week. I’ll need to invent a new game.

I began reading books for a grief and loss support group I’m starting at work. I felt led to list losses of singleness as a way of mentally preparing to identify with the group. I now feel sidetracked on the route to pursuing joy. It’s like I was on the route with a water bottle, vague directions, and good weather. Now I’ve been held up with a nail in my tire that I have to stop and fix.

Action Adventure

Tonight was a minor series of mishaps (think crawling around through prickly bushes looking for a key in the dark and cold McDonald’s eaten alone in a parking lot). Things improved later when I witnessed a bar fight at Tony’s. The bouncer ended up putting a choke hold on a very drunken, fighting, half-naked man that made him pass out. Front row seat for that show! Mr. Heroic Bouncer Man was later kind enough to show my friends and me how to perform that maneuver. Good action downtown.

Have decided the roommate situation will be more fun if I make a game of it. It’s called Invisible Roommate. She’s gone so much that I assume she’s either trying not to get spotted or working an early shift weeknights as an exotic dancer. My strategy here—try also not to get spotted. We’re on a five day streak. Whoever is the last to get spotted wins, so I began evading tonight! Between the game and the bar fight, my life is starting to feel a little more like an action adventure movie. Okay… maybe if I was an extra in the movie.

The Confessor

Today I was asked if guilt could lead to stomach aches. This led to a session where I served as confessor for a boy who made out with someone for the first time last night and didn’t quite know what to do with his thoughts/decisions. We ended up talking about Samson and if choices could ultimately make you lose your strength. I’ve talked two other boys through love triangles in the last 24 hours. Does serving as a celibate confessor make me a priest?

I appreciate Michael Moore

I found out today it will cost around $750 to fix the pain in my molar, and I HAVE dental insurance. Also, the only dental group I was able to see when working for the college turns out to have a super shady reputation, making all prior work suspect. It’s time to consider donating eggs or moving to Canada. I’m part of the disappearing middle class, and I think my demographic will be shacking up with our neighbors to the north if the democrats don’t win the election this time.

Enough political rant… I hope any of you out there are having a peaceful, blissful day.

hail to the extrovert

Since last week I tipped my hat to the introverts, my own people, this week I thought I’d acknowledge extroversion. My friend Greek Life and I have nothing in common. She’s a sorority girl who doesn’t drink coffee, hike or read anything Oprah doesn’t recommend. She’s a religious shopper, devoted college football watcher, and drinks white wine that’s so sweet it could be a lollipop flavor. And before we go out, there is always a 15 minute wardrobe audition to help her choose the matchiest heels and necklaces from an enormous collection. We’re very Tampa meets Chicago.

But, she was the first friend I made when I moved here. I get invited to dinner at her house all the time. Whenever I’m bored or lonely I can invite myself over, and she’ll always say yes. My bike lives in her garage. For the last 3 years I’ve been wearing the same fleece pullover from her coat closet that someone left at a party whenever I get cold in her drafty living room. She knows I want the half serving of wine, a side of vegetables when we order Chinese, and the movie without violence or schmaltz.

Thank you open door extroverts for the invitations, the dinners, and another couch to crash on.

List

To Do List: Pretend it doesn’t bother me that Care Bear stood me up on Friday, go to fancy new dentist to book root canal, begin independent study of classic Christian allegory, sit through 2 evenings of parent/teacher conferences.

Next Week: Pursue joy.

Ms. Wrong

I pledged tonight to keep putting energy towards becoming a good version Ms. Wrong. I arrived at this goal after a great deal of conversation with Tea and Metro about the many self-help books, conferences, and retreats about how to becoming more dateable, more marriageable and more perfect. I just want to be more comfortable in my own skin today.

So I’m Ms. Wrong looking for Mr. Wrong, so we can be wrong together. We would laugh about our failings, wear slightly to moderately out-of-fashion clothing, and break many rules that Christian publishers make a lot of money inventing.

Today Ms. Wrong bought a pair of pants for $7 in the juniors section of Ross, tried to go jogging against the wind, and searched for grocery store toys that will make a good gift for a friend who has forgotten how to play. Can play dough and glow sticks bring the joy?

labels

Labeling people is bad. Labeling office supplies is good.

I have not outgrown pranks. Today White Glue and I snuck into an administrator’s office with a label maker and personalized things to help him out. He can now find Rick’s favorite pencil, Rick’s second favorite pencil, a ring around his chair marked Rick’s personal space, and seat of the chair as Rick’s very personal space. We made about 30 labels.

I sometimes ask students what they’ve done to bring joy into their teachers’ lives. This is my way of sharing joy with one of my bosses without taking any credit. Does it count as a minor act of heroism?

off

Something feels very off this week. I wish I could run like Elijah to a cave in Horeb to wait and hear what God has to say. Unfortunately, I have to go to work tomorrow and return voicemails. I understand a little about monastic life and just wanting and needing the time to pray and reflect.

I looked for God in a small group, and He wasn't there. I searched in a Christian Life book and could not find Him. God was not on the Mesa Trail. He wasn't on the radio. I feel like I'll be fleeing until I figure out what message I'm missing.

For the Introverts

"Still waters run deep my dear, there's never smoke without fire." says famous poet
"Still waters run deep. Quiet music-- play it loud." - says famous musician

How do we measure words? Significant words are weighty, which is good. Sad words are heavy, which is burdensome. In philosophy we measure words in weight instead of volume, which I guess is the opposite of journalists paid by the word. In prayer we’re warned we won’t be heard because of our many words. And I always think the mark of the very bright is their ability to say great volumes with few words.

The people who smolder and smile quietly to themselves are the keepers of all the good secrets and the mystery.

Monday

I knew it was Monday when my alarm clock came as a total surprise at 5:00 a.m. Monday was confirmed when I looked in the mirror and discovered a huge zit on my chin. On a Monday morning it's not funny when Care Bear says, "I think you're nice no matter what people say." Try that on a Friday. There was endless jogging on a cursed treadmill that seemed not to be adding mileage. Then my hot sauce packet that exploded onto the nice lady's jacket at the soccer game. It's time to put on the pink fuzzy slippers and climb into a book.

Sisters II

My social circles collided a bit when I had the friends who helped me move over to dinner. The innocent fundamentalist accountant, the crazy writer/editor, the opera singer turned jazz musician turned music pastor, the europhile banker, and the creatively frustrated receptionist all gathered for Cuban food. We shared good stories about bad dating. We shared the hope that if we ever marry someone, he's not a loser husband who would consider watching our children to be a big favor to us. The most conservative graciously hid reactions to the most liberal's sharing time on how great sex is with her boyfriend. I mentally calculated everyone's internal reactions around the table to that bit of disclosure (good for you!, please let this conversation not be going there, hmmm...?, and where does Hazel find her backslider friends?) All good people I wouldn't trade for an ounce of homogeneity.

Thank God for interesting friends! Thank God for sauted bananas! Thank God I finally live in a real house to host dinner parties!

sports bar

I went with friends to watch a college football game at Old Chicago. My version of "watching" football is actually competing with the game by trying to tell interesting stories and distract others from watching. My friends are good to put up with me.

One shared a traumatic story about something awful her HS counselor said to her when her mom was dying of cancer. God, help me not be the counselor who traumatizes people for life! Please interfere with any damage I might cause. Interference--I absorbed that from my time with football.

Sisterhood

This has been a good week for trying events I know nothing about. I went to a friend's house and found this great group of women who wanted to pray and worship together. After the awkwardness of women making sure everyone was happy with what was going on and we were all on the same page, we stumbled into music. The first song was rough, the second better, and we began hitting our stride. Someone asked me to get out my drum. I was hesitant at first but got lost in the music, and as a soothing beat began things changed. One friend started making up a song about Song of Songs. I knew what the background part was supposed to be. To me, this was the kind of worship I could sink into and forgot all about time and place. Hooray for no power points!

In the sisterhood we were able to get a glimse of other women's gifts and affirm them- speaking, prayer, hospitality. My music was affirmed, and I had needed a safe place for that. No one talked about lip gloss or each other's clothes the whole time.

2 nights of no small talk!!!!!!
It was wonderful to have a week of getting fed intellectually and spiritually.

philosophy club

Last night I attended my first philosophy club meeting, and it was great. I met with a teacher, a doctor, and some retired gentlemen to discuss theology and the civil war. Looking back on last weekend, the reason I don't fit in with coaches' wives is that I'm more comfortable discussing just war theory than lip gloss. We were just minds around a table, 3 generations together with nothing more in common.

Yesterday Care Bear was suffocating me with his requests for hugs and the launch into complaints about his divorce. Next time he asks for a hug I'll offer a warm handshake instead. I suggested he go see a counselor with the hope he would know I was referring to someone else. I'm more of a specialist in issues like why you shouldn't hit people at school and how going to PE is the only way to pass it. My wise friend Metro recommends that next time Bear wants too much, I just toss him a fortune cookie and say "hope this helps." That's the best advice I've heard all week.

love, hate, and fundamentalists

I always think I have an aversion to fundamentalists, but they end up being the men I respect the most. Life Coach came in today just to say he wanted to encourage me. That he had woken up early and spent good quiet time with God and had joy. He just glows sometimes, and I'm starting admire him.

My student, Thing 2, needs a lot of attention and help to keep himself passing classes and out of jail. His mom in an unusual act of nurturing called to remind him he had an afterschool detention. He wanted me to give him another reminder, so I made him a hot pink sticky note that he taped on his hat. The lost boys are becoming my favorites.

Bear Meter

I kind of gave Care Bear the cold shoulder last night and woke up feeling a lot more enthusiastic about him this morning. This is what sitting alone at church, cooking for myself, and going for a long walk alone will do for me. Care Bear has similar habits, and in my mind would do the same things I would on a Sunday.

I didn't want to go to set-up team this morning at church. A lot of inner grumbling about how it would end up being me and an older gentleman who has a lot of health problems and where are the strong men? God heard me in spite of that, and miraculously every time I tried to pick up something heavy, a man showed up to help. That was a first, and it made me feel jollier for my 3-6 yr old Sunday school class (the play doh I brought helped too). Then a woman I barely know stopped to thank me for helping. God knew I needed someone to help carry physical burdens today before launching into a week of carrying other people's emotional ones.

reincarnated as a freshman

I showed up to a football game and had a moment of freshman panic. I walked into the stadium and realized I had no one to sit with. I walked out and bumped into another teacher who directed me to sit with the coaches wives. Bad call. I was sitting on the outskirts of a clique who after a hello didn't talk to me. I just sat alone in the row behind them.

I was completely relieved when Care Bear showed up to keep me company for the 2nd quarter. That lasted until half-time when he had to leave, and I was again the nerdy girl among cheerleaders turned coach's wives. Fourth quarter some of the cool teachers sat by me and one of them socially sponsored me into the group. I felt great about my new and improved status until they began making fun of Life Coach. I wanted to stand up for him but not be rejected by the cool teachers.

Maybe I was sent back to high school as some sort of reincarnation because I missed something God wanted me to learn the first time. I hope I pass the second time around.

more calm

Last night is evidence that even one night of watching TV makes me obnoxious. The thing I really need more of in my life is calm. I feel like I fall into a fake calm voice at work to try and get parents at work to simmer down. It's a little hypnotic and makes me feel like a snake charmer. Maybe I should tape record soothing messages to myself.

fooling myself

When I moved to a house with no TV access last month, I fooled myself into believing I would become smarter and more sophisticated. After spending the evening at White Glue's watching The Office I think all I've gained is that I've laughed less and haven't been prepared for weather. I don't need to be smarter. I'm an American. I need to be funnier and less in touch with reality. Maybe I'm just being tempted. It's double temptation to look for Ben & Jerry's and find they've named a flavor after Stephen Cobert.

Here we are now entertain us. That's my generation, and I'm proud to be an American. (no support of war, insurance corporations, over-consumption or professional sports on television implied).

Inspiring moment

Life was not fun today as I got involuntary roped into a drug search in a student's backpack. I confess that my greatest joy involved a story of someone else's misfortune.

White Glue was telling me about her worst Valentine's day. She was a college sophomore dating a frat boy. To celebrate the holiday, he bought her wine coolers (not wine, wine coolers) and a truffle. Later that night he dumped her, saying he only needed a girlfriend for rush season. She punched him in the face 3 times, leaving him with a black eye, and her with the eternal respect of the rest of the frathouse.

Yes, it's a little disturbing that I find this hilarious. Still, if I ever run a women's empowerment group, I'm bringing Glue in as an inspirational speaker.

Savage monday

I was working with a student on picking out a free reading book and asked what he had read that he liked. He ran his fingers through his green hair, spun his gangster rap CD around, and answered, "The Foot Book by Dr. Suess." That was pretty much it. We searched the library together and picked up a copy of Kozol's Savage Inequality. I hope that makes it to #2 on the list.

It was an awfully Mondayish Monday. Care Bear asked me to go hiking sometime, and I said yes. I have a feeling I'll regret this when sometime rolls around.

back to bed

This morning I went to church early to set up. By 9:00 a.m. I felt the universe was telling me to go home, put on sweatpants and attempt to re-start the day later. An older woman told both me in one breath how pleased she was that her daughter was pregnant, and hadn't I lost weight in the last few weeks? Double yuck- joyous family news and weight comments. I think it's just my haircut that's narrower. I obeyed the call back to bed and returned to church for a wedding reception a few hours later, nodding along to comments about how lovely the service was (that I hadn't attended).

Is it ever considered polite to comment on someone's weight? Though the comments are always about you being "less than," but you wonder what you looked like to people when you were "more than."

hook, line and dodge

Today another student asked me to smell him. This was for evidence that he was late to my class since he was taking a shower after PE.

Went to a jazz club tonight with Metro Prairie. Good talk about how many warning there are in the bible about divisiveness and how to heed that when churches are all about splitting hairs over theology and politics. Metro is so good about not speaking ill of other churches and wanting to learn from their strengths.

Life Coach at school keeps baiting me with fundamentalist tidbits, and I'm swimming around them. I haven't bit on conversations hooks of Focus on the Family apologetics, how evangelism is like catching a baseball, conservative author guy, and the christian jock club. I want to get to know him and be honest without engaging in controversy. Is my silence respectful and unifying or just chickening out? I'll keep swimming around the bait until I'm sure there's no hook involved.

How light is your baggage?

Would I get involved with a man who is divorced and has 2 little kids? Would I get involved with a man I work closely with? I'm having to think that over. How much of the baggage from someone's past relationships am I willing to carry? Right now I'm travelling pretty light. Relationship souveniers are gone. There have never been rings or significant shared friendships or relocations. Hard to imagine being with someone who has so many events that cannot be revised.

Still... he's nice, a believer, good looking, adventuresome. I may just have a love allergy.

choosing my battles

I went to traffic court this morning. Being a go-getter, I arrived promptly at 8 to get my spot. I had a ticket I was prepared to fight. It was a yellow light. The cop said he didn't have time to talk to me since he had gotten a call about an incident involving a handgun while drafting my ticket. I went to the line to contest it. I did the paperwork. I waited and waited and waited.

Skipping the boring parts, the thought here is that I pled guilty so I wouldn't have to invest time or energy into what I thought was right. This perplexed the judge. I'm leaving justice in God's hands. If I made this more of a habit, I think I could probably stop clenching my jaw too much.

smells innocent to me

Yesterday I was searching for teeth. Today I got to smell students. When I saw a group of around 12 students I knew huddled outside my door, I knew there had been a smoking bust. Several claimed innocence and asked me to smell them and testify to their innocence. Pretending to be a police dog was the most exciting moment of my day.

Actually, there was another highlight. Another teacher saw I was a Calvin grad and asked me to join his philosophy club. I think I will be the lone girl among older men studying religious philosophy. I'm excited but again confirmed as to why I am too weird to get dates.

to high school football

Working in a school always brings new adventures, including today's quest for a lost tooth. In an elementary environment, this scenario would be about finding a spare that the toothfairy could compensate for. Unfortunately, at the high school level folks don't lose teeth unless someone has smacked it out their mouth. So this afternoon I found myself crawling around on the floor, searching under vending machines for a tooth. Its former owner had no concern with his broken thug smile. He just wanted to make it to the JV football game that afternoon, and though dizzy, thought he should just return to class.

A few hours later I was in the stands at the JV game watching the cheerleader who looked like she had been transplalnted from AV club right into the middle of an advanced line-dancing class. I don't think she managed to place a correct step throughout the game and was always on the verge of tears until the yelling portion that ended each cheer. Apparently what she lacked in coordination, she made up for in volume.

My formerly toothless friend wandered into the stadium for the last quarter after undergoing a root canal and getting a prothetic tooth. Forget Friday Night Lights. This is devotion.

thirsty

"...he who believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6:35
"Blessed are those who...thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." Matt 5:6

If I'm still thirsty, what am I not believing? I remember hearing a song with lines:
how can there be any hunger in me when you are the bread of life?
how can there be any darkness in me when you are the light of the world?
I think I've learned contentment in areas of my life--not wanting a different job, more money, better clothes. I just need to find a resting place in believing I will be approved of when I put my best food forward. that sounds like a belief that would quench thirst.

the what next

It was a wild night with the girlfriends. We went for a walk and then ate ice cream and fried foods from an outdoor vendor. This is a lot more me than anything involving the pressure to wear uncomfortable shoes or like vodka.

We were talking about our fantasy lives. Tea and Sympathy wanting to visit the great cities of the world with a man in spectacles, Vitamin Kimono wishing for a big garden, providing husband, and obedient children, and my wierd thoughts about capes and secret passageways that have replaced usual thoughts of an apple orchard, pet goat, and guitar-playing man hero. If any of us get married and procreate, will we sit be sitting around 5 years later and dreaming of being single? Some of my friends with families say they dream of being single, having their own place, and dating again.

popular fiction

I'm now reading Harry Potter like everyone else. I wish I had a school to ship off the kids with no money, no parental support, weird scars. They try to look magical with their black and pink hair, black nails, guyliner, and enlongating tight jeans.

I'm drawn to the fringey kids with all the imagination. The jocks who arrive to my seminar class are the ones who roll their eyes at me when I ask them to do ridiculous things like sit on the floor with everyone else. I'm upsetting the social order by not giving them preferential treatment.

If I was Hermione Granger, tonight I'd be able to see in the dark and go for a long, starry hike wearing a cape.

matching

It's an interesting business to be working in education and partially raising other people's children. I met a woman today who keeps giving her son money and can't understand how he's able to keep buying drugs. Curious. Then I attended a meeting about a student who tried to strangle another kid. I left an hour and a half into the meeting where no solutions had been offered. The other native Chicagoan in the room definitely looked antsy about the situation. We're do-ers more than talkers. Sneakers with skirts to get somewhere fast, strong coffee, fast/concise conversation. Her favorite time to get back to me is immediately. She may be my vocational kindred spirit.

me of little faith

I have returned from the wedding in better spirits than anticipated. There were only minor tears and minimal drinking. I think this is due to the community I walked among for the weekend. City's friends and family surrounded me like the hands of Christ. They fed and housed me. Their children clung to me. Women asked how I was doing and their husbands joked with me. They were beautiful.

This was a community originally built around people from suburbs who chose to move to the inner city and get involved with the poor. They were all leaving their families, so they created a new sense of family among the friends. They wake things up inside me. I need to think more about community and my resources.

There were tears shed over the fact that City and I are on different paths. Fortunately I had already done the grieving work and could arrive to celebrate seeing God's faithfulness to my friend in giving her someone who bakes, takes pictures, studies, fixes houses and makes her feel safe. It definitely helped that her mom kept reassuring me that God has someone for me too.

Pig and I on a Spit

I leave for City's wedding tomorrow. I'm assuring by the fact that one friend is only coming to the bachelorette party to see me and slightly unnerved in discovering the other 2 college roommates will be there with families. There's also the relief knowing the reception pig on the spit as guest of honor has been replaced by his modest shoulder. I was up last night wondering what one does with pig roast remains. Is it given away in lieu of the bouquet toss or stuffed handily into someone's backseat?

i will try not to overcompensate by talking too much, too quickly or using humor as a coping mechanism. It would be helpful to pick up a comforting vice like smoking or bulimia. Those are just incredibly inconvenient. Too bad people consider going for a jog in wedding attire as a sign of distress.

Fortune cookie

I was throwing away the remains of leftover Thai when I decided I should crack open the fortune cookie out of curiousity. Cookie said, "Forgive that person. Just do it." I was surprised. All of my other cookies have promised me good things and praised my virtues. But this cookie was a prophet.

Today a student who desperately needs help got so angry with me for trying to lend a hand. She does this to everyone in her life. The things she was saying about me and the poisonous aura surrounding her really got under my skin. I felt like the unpopular middle school girl. I should be older and more mature. Cookie made me realize that she has no skills to accept the hand of help. She's barricaded me out, but I need to find a way for kindness to break through.

Suburban existence

I have now moved in with a girl who owns a house and thus join the ranks of suburbanites. Yesterday I trimmed hedges so today in the office I could say that I did yardwork over the weekend. My rooommate's boyfriend's dog will be putting in regular appearances, and the kitchen in no way resembles a galley. I can't decide whether I was more grown up living in an apartment by myself or living in a house now. perhaps i'm regressing a little since I am afraid of getting in trouble with my roommate, Domestic Bliss, who is incredibly tidy and particular. (yet very welcoming, sweet) I'm sure I'll learn a lot from her. Fortunately, her boyfriend Me Gusto was around for the weekend to give me insider tips about recycling procedures and the stress items left out on the counter could cause.

a little like velcro

Adjusting to a lot of change makes me feel like velcro that has been attached too many times and gets less sticky. I feel less sticky in relationships. I just don't feel like getting to know anyone right now. I'm met a ton of people this week. Most of them were friendly, and funny, and individuals I should learn from.

They all like to discuss their houses, husbands, kids, dogs, and yards. I do not have any of those things. Since I also do not have cable television, I am like meeting a caveperson to them. I need to find some other outsiders to gravitate to. Or I could be like Joey in the episode of Friends where he invents a corporate world alter ego to better fit in. I could probably pass as having a husband in Iraq, a beagle named DaisyLion, and a plan to buy a home. For now I'll just keep talking about shoes.

There is nothing more withering than the glance of the outraged, white, suburban housewife. I got my fill of that today at work from someone I had never spoken to or met. I wanted to giggle, but I knew I would get in trouble. I tried to hide instead. She asked to talk to a supervisor.

collections

Yesterday was talking to Publishing Chick about how neither of us collect anything. No special animal figurines, no great art. We collect interesting friends. I had to bring this up upon discovering that Chick's ex-roommate is wanted by the police. They came looking for the old roommate after she left the scene of the accident, and Chick had to try and provide a physical description and list possible whereabouts. This was after hearing about her boyfriend, the tempramental author who she discovered was cheating on her by reading his blog. So sneaky.

The close friend we both share is away this weekend at church revival camp, introducing her new boyfriend to her family. She met said boyfriend (Fed Ex) at a wedding where she cheated on her fiance. So the wedding is now off and Fed Ex is hoping to transfer to CO. My friends have fabulous taste in books and awful taste in men. I'm sure I'll have to meet these guys at dinner parties and pretend not to know about their cheating hearts.

July 29, 2007

I'm trying to find people living parallel lives. My college roommate, City Mission, and I who used to talk all the time have less to say now that she's getting married in a few weeks. I can't relate to her struggles to turn two lives into one and accept her fiance's past marriage. I can't tell her anymore what it's like to sort through my dating options and decide it's probably better to be alone right now. I'm hoping I'll like her fiance but feel a little skeptical knowing my friend from Chicago who was an elegant dancer has been talked into having a pig roast for her reception. I think she's trying to make a point about now being common people like the mennonite she's marrying.

Yesterday my friend Tea & Sympathy called. She said her best friend just began dating someone whom she knows she'll marry. The friend waited a few weeks to tell Tea about the relationship with the intent of protecting her. Feeling abandoned is not something she ended up being saved from. We're both doing this letting go thing while trying to be happy for our friends. I think it's okay to go through the motions of sending cards and gifts and not say that you'll be saying good-bye to a huge journey walked together for a long time after the wedding.

The good news is that today I had the time to finish The Thousand Splendid Suns and think about women on the other side of the world, I took a long walk, and I'm at a coffee shop eating pistachio gelato. I never want to give up days like this.

Preface

I decided to begin a blog as a way to tell my whole story. Lately I'm only sharing short chapters with people. Life is transient here in Colorado Springs, and I have very few friends I've known for more than 2 years. Also, I'm from a family of workaholics who I talk to about once a month.

As a non-fundamentalist Christian I do a lot of listening. I listen to my fundamentalist friends from church talk about the bad people out there who have homosexual agendas and support Michael Moore. I listen to my non-church friends talk about their drunken escapades. I mostly dodge opinion bombs by nodding along while I play the radio in my head.