Resolve

At the beginning of last year I was so optimistic I felt I didn't need resolutions. That lasted about 6 weeks. This year I have my act together earlier and will join everyone else in choosing a focus for my energies.

Resolved: I will give more thought and consideration to my appearance. Yes, this is a shallower goal that I'm taking seriously. Tending to live in my head as I do and having many granola values, I can be pretty casual about looks and dressing for utility. On the up side, I can be ready to leave the house at a moments notice and am usually prepared to run if needed. (See Dar Williams quote below). On the down side I would never describe myself as pretty and utility doesn't help much for self esteem.

Progress: Got a better haircut yesterday even though I got a mediocre one 4 weeks ago. Splurged for the good shampoo and conditioner. Joined a gym because running is good for my mind and heart but not optimal in itself for what Teelio decribes as the war against cellulite.

Dar: So now I'm in this clothing store and the signs say "less is more." More that's tight means more to see. More for them not more for me. That can't help me climb a tree in ten seconds flat.

Because

Because my friend forgot to pick me up at the airport yesterday, I needed to call Greg to get a ride home. Because he didn't know in advance, Greg needed to bring his son with him. Because they drove me home, his son played in the yard. Because he played there, Greg's son hugged me good-bye. Because this all happened I'm in deeper than I planned to be.

December has seen a rash of friends who flake out and Greg who comes through. At the end of the day he is the one who sticks with me. Is it possible to collect so much gratitude that one day you could trade it in for love?

Wild at Heart talks about men being made to come through. It's what they do well. If men are made to come through for you, what are women made for? I'm guessing to be supportive, but that sounds a lot less heroic.

Christmas in Chicago

Christmas in Chicago has brought every kind of major weather- 2 days of snow, freezing rain, flood warnings. We've hunkered down in the house with the fake clay fireplace logs burning steadily. Everyone is up to their usual hobbies. Richard talking about quitting the law firm to start a surf camp for missionary children. Must learn to surf first--not a serious obstacle. Dad reading through retirement property listings with huge magnifying glass. Mom cooking and talking about her work with refugee families recently settled here. All trying to find gifts for the nieces and nephews that they don't already have and calling from Target to confirm. "Does Noah have a transformer that looks like a tank?" "Hmmm..." "How about a green fighter jet?"
"Yes, Summer is very into pretend, but she has everything the store would have." "Actually, we do already have a big bean bag toss game. There's not much room for it next to the giant bounce house we just put in the basement."

It's actually nice and quiet. I hope you all are having peaceful days with your families.

walking around downtown

I needed to some downtown shopping this morning and found a new place to try. So I'm sitting here at Smiley's next to a vase of carnations and a metallic painted seahorse lamp with beaded shade. Rockabilly is playing in the background from speakers next to paper cut-out snowflakes. Masculine gals from CC are having breakfast next to me. An artistic looking mom and her 2 young sons all arrived with their own reading materials. The lady behind me is knitting. I like this. I'll be back.

Thursday night in a different downtown adventure I ran into a party that a club owner was throwing and a big debate over whether the owner should donate money to the Colorado Springs School. "You know why I don't give extra money? The kids don't need caviar. "C" is for cat, not caviar." Then a lively discussion on the importance of a school polo team followed.

These venues are only 3 blocks apart and serving up 2 different realities. If anyone who has shopped around told you their favorite downtown breakfast joint you would know a ton about their personality. Sassy King Chef Diner, Breakfast Standard Olive Branch, Spicy Jose's, Cave-like Poor Richard's, Neighborly Raven's Nest, Friendly Dog Tooth. Comfy Smiley's is now on the list.

put down your guns

It was suggested to me yesterday that I needed to read Wild at Heart and give some thought to sympathizing more with men. So I bought a copy, but I feel a tremendous aversion for this project. Because:
1. This might only make me think relationships are too difficult & I should keep my easy one.
2. Men would never read such a book about women and don't put much effort into understanding the soul of women. (okay, the fact that I just typed that suggests why I have this reading project to begin with).
3. It's not fiction.
4. The assumptions in the book made me feel like men are soooo broken and sad. I want them to be strong and good and brave.

Regardless of hesitations, I'm generally told I should work towards being captivating and not so much being wild. We'll see how it goes...

Remember

yes, this means something I was wanting to remember Saturday.

Darkest Night

The very wise band Over the Rhine titled their Christmas album, The Darkest Night of the Year. Curious. But this year it's comforting. The music, gifts, shows, and parties all seem burdensome this year because last year the same events were filled with expectation and wonder. But I still love the lights. I have 2 trees up, love driving through downtown and was totally grateful to see that next door Giles and Jamie threw lights all over their ramshackle set-up. (Their rooster seems to be gone, and I wonder if he became an early Christmas gift for someone else).

The last few weeks have been full of brawling and distance- at the bar, close to my neighborhood, in my school. I'm not the only one to pick up on this as my pastor spoke on God's wrath Sunday (odd for the gentle Anglican), and another friend's pastor spoke on getting through the winter in our lives. This is the time when we want to soak in any possible light we can get- Christmas tree, the unusual Sunday afternoon break from winter weather, candles everywhere.

"Arise, shine for your light has come and the glory of the Lord rises upon you." Hope you find light wherever you can get it today friends.

so loud

Steinbeck wrote about each of us having a question we spend our whole lives trying to answer. With co-workers this season I feel like the question or demand of their soul is coming accross louder than anything they actually say to me.
Counselor 1 "I am the best."
Counselor 2 "Take care of me."
Counselor 3 "I am likeable and beautiful."
Boss "I want to have fun!"
Secretary "You will respect me."
The consistency of the messages is a little overwhelming, and I don't understand why I pick up on this more clearly with colleagues than with friends.

Today I tackle the big project of Christmas shopping for my family. Where do you find the gift that says I know you, I understand you're into all things conservative, I made an effort to buy upper class gifts from a middle class perspective, and is light & small enough to take on the plane without lugging along a 2nd bag? I hope Macy's. Best of luck to you friends in your shopping endeavors.

back to deep

It was a holiday full of sleeping in with a cold and Nyquil help, shopping, and hanging out. I had almost exclusively mundane conversations. Then I got back to work today and immediately had to jump back into mediating between sons and moms. The mom who is making her son visit a military school this week as a threat. The kid whose dad died of cancer last week and talking to his mom about his belief he needs to fill his father's empty shoes.

I wish I could blame the Nyquil, but I could only laugh at myself last night when I discovered I had been responding to texts from someone when I thought I was writing to an entirely different audience. 338-5966 and 358-1966. A mathematician would never confuse those, but I recall that profession coming in last place on my Strong Interest Inventory.

Point of pride- I successfully built a fire in my stove last night that lasted hours. Point of confusion- one of my neighbors seems to have acquired a rooster. I believe it arrived on Thanksgiving.

new misadventures

I believe my friends have tired of reading about my misadventures in dating. I don't blame them since the most interesting person I've gone out with of late has been food allergies man-- no story there.

My new version of looking for trouble will be my experiments in hanging out in bars. After advice on this from Keen and Gurt who volunteered to sponsor future expediditions, I was trying to warm up to this last night by doing the early shift at Blondies. I'm really hoping to run into the bar prophet again for more life advice, but my oracle was missing last night. I chatted with Olive and the bartenders. The guy who wanted to buy me a drink was a good 20 years older and not very talkative. I was driven by seeing Australia- beautiful movie with gorgeous cowboy. What more could you want than a movie that could be described as Out of Africa meets The Man from Snowy River? It will make you want to meet cowboys and quit your desk job.

Prairie style

The problem with reading Loving Frank is that it gives me nightmares. It's not a thriller. It's a love story about a married woman who fell in love with Frank Lloyd Wright, felt liberated by his love, and then became a slave to his dreams and chaos. She gave up her children, freedom and friends for him. This is more terrifying than Patricia Cornwell. I had nightmares of being pregnant and stuck marrying someone with bad grammar who I didn't want to introduce to my friends and who wanted to sell my cabin house to buy an RV to travel around the country fishing.

make it work

It takes a good friend to tell you, "really I think those jeans could be doing more for your butt." I had the great fortune yesterday of Metro's willingness to be my own personal Tim Gunn. She's very good. Kind but direct just like the man. Boxy sweaters were ruled out, jean selection went down 2 sizes, and I now have elongating boots with heels. Concession to my tendancy towards thick sweaters-- "there is a place to wear that--maybe a ballgame." I heard that enough times to realize Metro imagines I go to games on something like a weekly basis. She is my fashion hero. And we now having matching berets.

Stories I'm watching

This morning I was writing to Roommate and Me Gusto, thanking them for letting me witness a miraculous year in their lives. It was their year of decision about whether to risk everything on each other. How did I get chosen to be the spectator of this?

Other stories I'm watching are still in tension building stages- Tea deciding to change her life, Olive the conquerer, Metro who decides it will be different this time, Prof Doom finding he is a professor, Pony wondering what to do with the voice she found. I hope like with Roommate I get to see winter thaw into spring.

Wedding like Cana

I was ready to declare a moratorium on wedding reception attendance, but I was reminded at roommates's wedding that the Random Heart people know how to live well- that they've met the Jesus in Cana who showed up with large quantities of good wine. There was abundant alcohol, whooping, and dancing. Good personal stories. Latin dancing. A groom who danced with me, the grandmothers, and refused to let me leave until he made his friend dance with me.

It's been a week of walking on thin ice in relationships with men. I needed the time with the solid, strong, kind men of bootcamp-- PJ, Craig, Morgan, and Goose. Even a small amount of their presence helps restore my faith.

On a separate note, Prof. Doom contributed new blog vocabulary today. Check out: http://jculv.blogspot.com/

Liberal arts disadvantaged

It's Friday night and getting ready to leave the house I was once again confronted by the disadvantage of my liberal arts education. I've reaped the benefits of my years at Calvin. I understand basic theology and the reformed world view. Grad school was an academically painless downhill ride. I know where to find good clogs, coffee, and music. I can make homemade granola and bread. I'm comfortable with a range of literature and classical music. Public television and radio are my friends.

My lack arises when it's a Friday night and time to "go out." At Calvin we went out to the library, the Meijer, the coffee house, and the sled hill. None of these events involved cleavage. Ever.

Now that the Bar Prophet has spoken, I feel like I should attempt making appearances at bars. My wardrobe is no help here. Nothing high, tight, or low enough.

I started understanding this liberal arts problem when my brother left the fraternity land of Baylor with its pink oxfords and fake nails to settle into law school at Notre Dame. He swore off dating for 3 years complaining that, "as soon as it snows the girls here put on sweats and wear them ALL winter." He was appalled. He would be better than I am at putting together the "going out" wardrobe I need. I am lost here.

the big house

The dean today commented that he hasn't seen such a crazy pre-holiday week since working in an institution. Looking around the window-less white cinder block walls awash in fluorescent light, I didn't think it was a huge stretch.

This week my angriest kids tried to gouge out another kids eye with his knuckle. I found 2 of my unmotivated skipping class because they told me they had been watching girls walk by for the last hour (they thought this was an entirely legitimate excuse- "Ms. Cade, have you seen the girls here?" "Well guys, never through your eyes"). Then today I got a call from an angry dad who said his daughter got hit in the face at school. A boy stole her purse and the teacher said she could hit him once as payback. The boy hit back.

Serving as a human dartboard this week for the comments angry cellmates, I believe the best course of action for tomorrow is to walk around continually muttering, "you're right, of course you're right." White Glue is coping by asking for a taser for Christmas.

internship

There are a few situations right now in my life I would love to control. The role reversal in a relationship that I think would make things more fun. The email sent without a question mark that I want to create an answer for (which might sap all of the comfort out of it). Trying not to be a control freak is taking an incredible amount of self-observance. It is not like me at all to keep slinking through open doors instead of knocking on closed ones.

I think I need to become someone's intern who is good at living this way. Wanted: someone stalker tolerant to teach type B personality traits. Must love strangers and remember to smile at them and their dogs and children. Sexy, yet modest dresser. Goes to bars, dances and drinks without looking like the fool they are. Non-reactive but nicely and gently honest. I could make them coffee and take their clothes to the dry cleaners. Sound fair?

p.s. I took The Office personality test and came out closest to Ryan.

civil discourse

I grew up in a very waspish family- English mother and Scottish father. There were a lot of rules. One was that it was impolite to discuss politics at dinner parties. I've noticed that no such rule exists in Colorado. I myself have broken the rule before but now try to show more English restraint.

I was at a party last night, opinion bombs were thrown, and the air got sucked right out of the room. I'm struck lately by the aggression of persuasion- the presumption that others would rather give money to support a friend's favorite causes rather than their own, emails from a friend suggesting how I should vote, assumptions that all Christians are adamently opposed to government assistance, abortion and the rights of gay people. It's my own independent streak that resists all of this.

Right here I'm harping on my own cause--restraint.

Bar Prophet

I went to a bar alone last night- something totally out of character. It was Olive's bar, and I knew I would at least see a friendly face and enjoy people watching. I was looking my absolute worst after a concession night- hair coming out of pony tail, baggiest butt jeans, big sweat shirt. I definitely expecting to be left alone. Then the prophet approached.

So this older guy walks up, guarantees he's not trying to pick me up, and gazes deeply into my eyes. I step back and smile politely. But he's a See-er and can read me. The stranger knows everything and reveals it like a mirror. He starts telling me how vulnerable and closed off I am. What isn't working in my relationships. Beauty hidden by dressing badly. Burning out on giving relationships where I can hide and not be open.

His solutions involve sex-- and he's not propositioning me. Then he kisses my hand and disappears. Very odd but very good. You never meet prophets like that in church.

I'm heading to the mall to buy better clothes.

impulsive

I wanted to do something impulsive tonight. I thought I should check my judgement with a friend. I called White Glue- no answer. Swung by Olive's house- empty. Called Keen- no answer. Having covered these bases, I felt I had the green light for crazy. Hopefully I'll feel the same way tomorrow.

new toy

A girl walks into the hardware store and buys a hatchet...

This is not the first line to a joke or a thriller (I hope!). Initially when I went to Ace and asked for a hatchet I was reminded that Halloween was over. Fortunately, Ace sales guys are wonderful and helpful. I learned that I can cut up wood without swinging an ax over my head and minimal risk to my digits.

Prof. Doom requested to hear about my best date ever. I immediately thought back to October my freshman year of college. Jeremiah King was a new friend and the most sophisticated and intelligent male I had ever met in my age bracket. After months of being walked back to my dorm and staying up all hours of the night talking, he asked me out. It wasn't a big event. We went to the market to pick out pumpkins and brought them back to the dorm. We listened to classical music, carved pumpkins and drank tea. There was a full moon and he was looking at me with all this love in his eyes. I would pick reliving that night any time over steaks, wine, and pearls. I didn't know that night that he would later start drinking heavily, I would start dating someone bad and have my first of major heartbreaks, and we would be closest of friends again over the next 7 years.

xo Indian Summer

I think of holidays I've celebrated this year, Time Change Indian Summer Weekend may be my favorite. It's been the loungiest, carried out with live music, time outside, runs through crunchy leaves, easy conversation, great food, a crime novel, and a donut I bought this morning to eat half and keep the rest in my car because I like the way it smells. Metro gave me a reason to try on ridiculously expensive jewelry and held up a mirror to what actually makes me smile. Tonight is a Scrabble tourney. I have done absolutely no shopping except for wedding gifts. I want to re-live this every month and set Neil Young's, Harvest Moon as the soundtrack.

Halloween

You move to a new neighborhood and have to check out the Halloween scene. So I went for a jog to see who was out. My neighbors are super generous. No simple candy giveaways. There were entire pieces of old furniture with "free" signs and along with a dangerously dilapidated crib and high chair. Then I ran by a group of guys who were handing out pick-up lines. "Happy hour started early tonight." I hope that's a good thing.

Someone kissed me last night, and I could swear my soul leaked out of my body. So tonight I came to hear Pollard play soothing, soulful covers. I know and love all of them and my soul is filling up from Crazy, Freshmen, and I Will Survive.

Who are the people in your neighborhood?

I'm trying to get more in touch with life as a downtowner. Admittedly, the only neighbor I say hello to on a regular basis from my yard is the dog Lily who lives across the fence. There are specific ideals that go with this locality. Shop locally, eat whole foods, support the democrats, pursue the perfect cup of coffee rather than the largest big screen television. Read the Indy and see films before movies. You also have to have a hang out where someone knows your drink. I'm making Dogtooth mine even though I take issue with food establishments with fur in their title. The furniture is perfect, the music soul-warming, and CNN plays on the tiny screen from above. I've decided for now it's better to watch the pretty hippies here and use coffee shop wireless access than to huddle away in my house alone trying to connect with a virtual world.

Mr. Rogers moments

Since fall is the time to start school, I signed myself up for a couple of classes. Both started yesterday afternoon, When I was little and watched Mr. Rogers, my favorite segments were the factory tours where you could see how crayons and sweaters were made. For my job, I signed up to tour workplaces and learn about new jobs. I know that doesn't sound as exciting, but yesterday I got to go through the secure areas of the airport and see where luggage is searched, where weather is tracked, and the computer that shows where all of the airplanes are in the air. I loved it.

Then I headed on to sign language class. The class meets 8 times which is about the duration of my attention span, so I'll know just enough to greet people this calendar year before I forget it all. It's good to be in school again.

art

How much should you spend for art? I have a home with empty walls. There is no point in slapping up posters of ugly. It matters.

I've discussed this with the downtown girls. Keen is making her own art and has very creative dioramas in process. Gurt is using old portraits and already found a very pretty piece at the antique store. I referenced my Arts & Crafts Homes magazine for inspiration. If I had an extra $1200 I would be in great shape.

Few people do this well. But there is a responsibility in living downtown to make the effort. Your main art piece makes or breaks the aesthetic. Ideas on where to look? I'll keep hunting at the Antique store for now.

Hello again

When I moved I pictured that most nights I would walk to a local coffee shop, check email, and keep this blog up-to-date. Parent conferences, house shopping and football games are messing up my small-town life ideals. I'm very far behind, so I'll have to summarize.

Work- This week featured a student I'm worried has schizophrenia, a tearful kid whose dad shaved his head as a bad grade consequence, blondes in fights, and a student getting sued by his dad. Too much crazy. Thank God that U of Nebraska invited me to visit next weekend and I leave Friday!!!

Love- I don't trust myself. I keep not breaking up with my army man because I'm too scared to fall back on nothing if the Guardian walks. But I want The Guardian to stay. And I'm planning on catching up with an ex in Nebraska. I was so much more mature and responsible about love when I was in college. Me Gusto says to stop calculating the risk.

God- I started Bible Study Fellowship with a lot of misgivings about encountering republicans in ugly jumpers. But God wanted to meet me there. We're studying the life of Moses and God asks Moses to go back to this land he hates that he's been exiled from. God is making me do a similar trip in my life, returning to a desolate place so that I can exit redeemed when He parts the sea. Republicans in ugly jumpers may be exactly who I need in my life right now. (Along with all of my hip friends with good clothes and sophisticated taste in books and music).

trade off

My most recent quest has been to find an exterminator. If getting bitten by spiders gave you super powers, I assure you I would be Wonder Woman by now. I don't see them, but they sneak into my bedroom each night and leave their fanged marks. The man who came out to hunt them said the 2 least reassuring things possible, "let's check for bedbugs" and "you had the biggest wolf spider I've ever seen in your crawl space."

But now I'm sitting here at the coffee shop just a few blocks from my house listening to open mike night. An old guy with long, curly hair is singing an Emmylou Harris cover. Beautiful. I'll take downtown life with the spiders and all.

captive audience

Lately all my friends are knocked up or engaged. Conversations tend to drift towards things to buy and a lot of advice on contraception and labor. I now understand why the Sex & the City girls were a group of four. They had no one else to talk to.

You can eliminate me with a single click here and no longer be the captive audience. I wanted to write how I feel more and more like I am living a secret life (yes, I know nothing you blog is secret.) The pregnant and married folk share life events in loud voices and big invitations. Single girls whisper over cocktails about dating, fears of using other people, fears of being used. It is a little seedy. Maybe this is why I am drawn to mysteries and thrillers lately. I am someone who should wear dark trench coats, chain smoke, and drink vodka. I just can't wear the stilettos and red lipstick that go with that outfit. We're all Keens and lipgloss here.

Fantasy Football

I bet those are 2 words you never thought I'd use together. Football is traditionally a topic I pretend to know a lot less about than I actually do. I've found that playing dumb is a fool proof way of avoiding long conversations about such things as why a coach is retarded or why a player is a loser. It's all bullyish talk that tends to come from men with beer guts who couldn't run a mile. That aside, I did sign on for a fantasy football league at school.

This raises the real question here-- what is your fantasy of football? In Hazel-land football games would always just last an hour. The cheer leading squad would be comprised of all of the players' parents. There would be additional points awarded for good sportsmanship. Included in the price of your ticket, you would be handed a hot pretzel and cocoa on your way into the game. People who loudly insulted players or refs would have to run laps during halftime. Halftime would always include a show with live animals, a singer songwriter, and taped highlights of the locker room pep-talk.

I'm guessing any male readers are not on-board at this point. At least stop to think about what your own fantasy of football is.

leaving the hamstead house

Tomorrow will be my last day living in this house. Things I will miss:
Having a great place to throw parties, the sound of someone coming through the door, a huge basement to store things, having a closet big enough to walk into, being very close to Garden of the Gods, living by my running partner, having a really nice kitchen.

On the upside, I look forward to:
Not wondering if roommate avoids being home, being lazy on occasion without feeling guilty, my new converter box, living close to my book club friends, not having to be fully dressed in case odd strangers drop by, living close to Memorial park, and walking downtown.

The new digs are The Cabin for now. I'll see if inspiration strikes to change the title.

practice what you read

Professor Doom and I were discussing the spiritual disciplines today. Kind of fascinating to read about but a lot harder to follow. Fasting, meditation, solitude. I think I already feel so strange and different walking through the world and speaking a different spiritual language. Everyone else at work talks about scrapbooking, their children's athletic futures, and foods you should be scared of. Then I cross into this different world with Christian friends about prayer and finding God's will. I talk to the smart ones, who tempt me to dip into the world of questions which usually makes me more odd and angst-filled. Then I date a Catholic, a boy with a biblical name whose origins I know more about than he does, and start conversing with someone who is spiritual but not religious. I'm a reluctant double-agent. This juggling makes me miss my college friends who were just as weird trying to fit all of their life pieces together.

Winds of Change

When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can become deadly projectiles. www.despair.com

pack rat

A whole day devoted to packing makes every decision seem big. Am I convinced enough that I can teach myself to love V-8 that I should pack that cans and not donate them? That was yes. Needless to say, I got bored enough of my own company that I went to get a pedicure as a perk-me-up. Moving is ugly business, which necessitated new toenails and later tonight a new hair color. I've started thinking crazy things like that I should get a perm to look more like Felicity and then I could throw away all my hair appliances. Forecast says it's an impulsive week for Virgos.

Also, dating makes me miss the sound of my own laughter.

cool

Yesterday I woke up a little drowsy. Not totally awake, I burned my forehead with a curling iron. Today I definitley look like a middle school girl who's new to the whole hair appliance scene. There's a big, angry mark on my forehead. Now do you feel better about your day?

self defense

A student of mine decked her ex-boyfriend at homecoming. I know I should be against such things, but I honestly was secretly cheering for her on the inside while I walked her down to in-school suspension. I feel bad admitting that sometimes there is a time to fight. It's funny because I don't enjoy kick-boxing since I can't seem to channel my inner street fighter.

I left work early. Home sick I felt guilty that I was too sick to be productive and not sick enough to be knocked out.

day in the life- found in old drafts

I know what my friends' job titles are, but if you asked me what they actually do hour to hour, I would probably be stumped. Here is a snapshot of a fairly typical day for me.

Wake up at 5:44 and leave for work, running late at 6:30. See student who is repeating his junior year in the hallway and stop to admire the political stickers he's created for his guitar. Call in a student to change his schedule. Student has said untrue things about the teacher to his parents, so I must place him elsewhere. Remind students in online classes that they still must submit homework. Meet with homeroom class to pick up their craft contributions for the homecoming float. A third have done their work. I will have to do the rest. Hear review of powderpuff game- bloody and exciting. Meet with a student's probation officer. Tell teachers about that student's traumatic brain injury. Meet with angery parent' Get asked to go observe his son in classes and email teachers to warn them. Meet with student whose mom is an alcoholic. Staff meeting. Yawn!!. Eat lunch with teachers and find out student I must observe doesn't bring pencils to class or take notes. Meet with parent about whether her son can graduate on time. Register a student who has been expelled from another school for dangerous threats. Try to minimize threat through picking nurturing teachers. Take call from parent who wants me to inpire his son to try harder. Take message about which calculator student should buy. Forward that to math dept. and hope family doesn't make me one-stop shopping. Talk to teacher who's worried a student is racist. Assure teacher that student tries to make provocative comments whenever there's a possibility for shock value. Haul supplies home to finish work for homecoming float.

I need a nap. And time with trees.

photo

I'm considering making yesterday's posted photo be my blog profile pic. i think it shows the inner me. Tonight I'm watching season 1 of Felicity. What would you do if you could start college over again? I would travel abroad more, dress better, stay up later, date more musicians, spend every summer in a different national park, and find a really cool internships.

introversion attack

I'm confessing this with the expectation that I will be scolded by you. I know. It's immature and irrational. I tried Community Bible Study tonight. We started late which involved a whole lot of awkward sitting around alone. Then the speaker got up and asked us to each pay $60 more to attend. The "young adults" 30 and under got excused to get to know each other and go have fun. The rest of us were herded into discussion groups. My group had 19. Is that really small? When asked our favorite thing to do, most women began with lament about having no free time. Yuck! I was told our community building would consist of potlucks with the other 150+ people there. Then we spent about 20 minutes discussing inclement weather and what to do in case of snow.

We were supposed to go back to a lecture, but I darted out. My introversion attacked in a huge way. I'm sure this is what I would have done on the first day of school in elementary every year if that had been an option.

Fall Resolutions

Other people set New Year's resolutions, but I'm more of a fall resolution setter. That's when I seem to have the most energy to throw myself into things. This is what I hope to begin:
1. Start Community Bible Study and be faithful in doing the homework.
2. Get to know older women in the church. I invited a few to join friends and I in cooking and discussion.
3. Help with prayer ministry at the church.
4. Keep running. Consider finding a Jazzercize class for alternate evenings. No- you didn't read that wrong. I feel nostalgic about days when working out was supposed to be fun, and it involved complicated outfits.
5. Get more involved at work- I'm now helping run football concessions.

Now it's in print, and I better follow through!

up and away

Tea helped me celebrate my birthday by joining me at a very early hour to watch the balloon classic. It was beautiful. She took good pictures if you get a chance to check them out. What a good friend!

I'm wrapping up plans for the Amazing Race, and this week feels like it will be a race to get there. I have football concessions to plan, race cards to create, a home owners policy to select, SS school to plan, and then an all-day home buyers workshop to attend. I need an intern.

Hope your labor day was relaxing. I'm off to another first date/interview. Ughhh...

minimalist cooking

I like minimal ingredient recipes, and I found a good one this week.
Apple Spice Cake
1 Box spice cake mix
3 eggs
1 can apple pie filling
Mix and Bake

I added frosting for my sugar-addicted students, and I was pretty impressed with how it turned out. Doesn't get simpler than that.

negotiation

Is everything about negotiation? I've spent hours and hours negotiating these last 4 weeks with students about their schedules. I've negotiated a house price and repairs. I certainly know nothing about either. Then last night I found myself haggling over the terms of dating. Obviously too much of my work life has spilled over into personal life. Just hem me in.

city boy

Tonight I went out with a very talkative City Boy from Denver. Initially he wanted me to drive up to Castle Rock to meet him, but I asked to meet in Monument instead. We went dutch. When he asked about another date I decided just to level with him about needing him to be the man in the relationship-- wanting to know who the man is that it's not me. I'm doubting I'll hear from this one again.

season end

Summer seems officially over as tonight I took a last long summer evening walk downtown. I got ice cream at Cy's when hot chocolate would have suited as well. A few leaves crunched underfoot, and it was nearing dark when I got home.

I'm trying to convince my running friend that we should get reflective vests so we can keep running in the evening. I can tell she thinks this idea is totally dorky, but I'm determined to wear her down. Now I just have to decide if I want reflective yellow, orange, or green.

BTW- Google pulls up 83,000 images on "reflective vest" search.

middle

Tonight I was running and thinking. Ideas spring up on me when I do that. Do I only have 2 kinds of relationships with men-- surface or damaging?

I came home and listened to Famous Blue Raincoat a couple of times. I'm pretty sure it does for me what glasses of wine do for other people-- slowing things down and making the world calm again. Maybe Leonard Cohen felt the same way about women.

Summer Reading

Now that school has started I thought I should submit my report on What I Read This Summer. The highlights:

Special Topics in Calamity Physics- This was a complicated and original novel about a girl named Blue with a travelling professor father. She becomes friends with the Blue Bloods and gets wrapped up in a high-minded mystery. Slow and riveting.

In the Woods- A detective story written the way all detective stories should be written. The main character can't remember an incident where his childhood friends disappear and he survives. Then he has to investigate a murder at the same site.

The Unaccustomed Earth- Short stories by The Namesake author. I usually don't like short stories, but these were memorable.

I Was Told There'd be Cake- This is like David Sedaris meets Carrie Bradshaw. Enough said.

In the Presence of My Enemies- True story of a missionary couple kidnapped in the Phillipines for a year. Even kidnapped the couple strive to rejoice and be glad in the day. I was helped by this.

Handy Who?

This evening was full of foreign words less truss, caulking, supports, closing, broker fee. Aren't you bored just reading that? I had my house inspection and tried to look eager and interested. The explanations of things I could fix left me wanting to say, "Now you just write that down for the person I hire to do the actual work." I officially checked out when my well-meaning brother-in-law began on a list of tools I might want to own. It's just wrong to think of a wrench set under the category of "want."

I guess some guys feel the same way when people suggest they might want more tools for their kitchen than a microwave and grill. As if I would ever think to use that...

Post #200!!!

I took the big plunge and put a contract on the house. Then I cried all the way home because this seems like a monumental task. Fortunately, I've been reassured today by older and wiser adults that this is a smart thing to do.

I'm starting to picture myself living in my own little cabin. It's idyllic in a lot of ways- on a hill, surrounded by a lovely and unexpected garden, wood-burning stove. It will be a good place to read more Little House on the Prairie. Maybe I'll start playing my guitar again.

timing

I found this little cabin house that I see myself in, but I'm just not sure of the timing and if I should put another offer out there. I think I'm mostly sorting through the idea of living alone again. Just me? Maybe a dog too? Hard to start imagining another life but knowing it's time to move along. I think in moving I would most miss my proximity to King Soopers.

Suburban Saturday

I'm feeling very suburban today. I met a friend at Starbucks for coffee. She vowed to help me work on a new budget. I said I would assist with her wedding plans. Next I headed to a running store where I got a business card to meet with a running injury specialist after having a video gate analysis. I emailed my realtor about houses to see this week. Then I headed to the driving range to practice my golf swing. I ate a portabello sandwich for dinner. And I've been wearing makeup all week. I think I'm still infected with some style bug I picked up in D.C.

a first

This morning I ran my 1st 5K. It was a lot of fun. My church hosted the event to raise money for our sister church in Rwanda. I think it's always easier to work hard at exercise with other people. Maybe I'll find another race to attempt.

back home

I'm back to normal life and high altitude. I went for a run tonight and realized it's not nearly as fun running at high altitude as it was at sea level when I was travelling. To make it worse, as I was gasping for breath I ran into a friend who's an Olympic triathlete.

D.C. was very fun. The people there are beautiful. After my first evening I decided shopping for clothes that were more coasty was in order, so I huffed it down to the Ann Taylor Loft in search of something that included a bow, a collar, or a stripe around the neckline. I felt proud to be asked questions that I assumed I was a local after the wardrobe change.

This time I skipped most landmarks and museums with the word National in them and headed for the Newseum and the Spy Museum. Great choices. I spent my days navigating the metro, finding cool museums and shopping. Then at night I would meet up with my brother to have great, late-night dinners- French cafe, Latin place by a fountain, Ethiopian. It's a glamorous life. His apartment is next door to the Sudanese Embassy and down the street from Luxenborg. Too bad about the grueling hours you have to put in to the rat race to live there.

from PA

This week I'm visiting my old college roommate in Harrisburg, PA. It's been a good, full weekend. We've hiked, played with the big borbul (sp?) puppy, flown kites, seen minor league baseball, and picked vegetables from a farm. Good variety and good friends. I've been instructed on the wardrobe differences between Mennonites and Amish, then told River Brethren could throw that all off. Funny to be in heart of a city where the farmer's market is all staffed by women with head coverings and men with long beards and hats.

I'm now a little more familiar with inner city life (the Bloods were holding a meeting at the park last night) and Mennonite life. This is a different life and a different America. Today I take the train to D.C. to see my brother and his life as an attorney living on Embassy Row.

back from vacation

I'm back sunburned and mosquito bitten after a week on Lake Michigan. I think it's of huge benefit for me to be in a small town where there's very little to do except watch the waves, walk on the beach and head to town for ice cream. Everyone in the family was relaxed and on good behavior outside of the context of their normal lives. I ended up enjoying the 4 days with my parents as an only child.

My dad told me the first night he would help me with buying a house so the search begins tomorrow. It's a little overwhelming to me since I am definitely looking in the category of ghetto properties. I like projects though.

dinner for one

I got tired today of staying in the hot, sticky house. No one was available to play. I ended up getting inspired by an odd little book I picked up at the libary this week. It has chapters by different well-known writers about the odd things they eat when they're in the kitchen alone. It's funny how the basics of pasta and eggs provide staples of first resort for random dining for one. I ended up saying diet be damned and went to Il Vicino where I could sit on the patio, order the perfect sized pizza for one, and watch the lives of others.

Tomorrow I'll head to Chicago to depart for family vacation in Michigan. After the first 2 days I'll be longing for time alone and quiet. I need to remember that this week that's exactly what I overdosed on.

It's been a week of things falling through- unreturned phone calls and paltry attention from Greg. Maybe this is priming me to appreciate my family and solid faithfulness of my parents and sister.

how much to ask

I was wondering if it makes me too much like the prodigal son to ask my dad if I could have some of the money that he would have saved for a wedding for me to use on a house instead. I have no idea how he'd respond.

It's discouraging to think of the years of trying to live conservatively and still not be able to afford it on my own. I've had a masters level job for the last 5 years, I've never had credit card debt, I don't have cable, I buy clothes at Ross, and mostly live a simple, Target-style life. The lender says I still need a roommate. I'm avoiding my realtor now.

Out of 1 market and into another

Tonight I go on my last date from the online market. This man is a professor from Togo. Then I’m definitely ready to stop trying to wrangle love for the time being. This dating is exhausting—like going to interview after interview and never getting kept on.

The market I’m entering is real estate. Roommate and her boyfriend seem more serious, and I should be investing in my future instead of theirs. I’m emailed a realtor today who showed me a few very sad houses a couple of years back. I hope he’ll take me on again. The theme of book club lately is house shopping, so I face this daunting task with good friends for advice.

Plan B

Just this morning I got bailed on for the 4th of July. Plan B has me going to an action-adventure movie. Not really my thing, but my friend Keen declared that, "nothing says Independence Day like guns."

reconciliation

I've been working on reconciling with God and felt I was doing so much better. Then an issue of reconciling with a human snuck up and attacked me. I came home from L'Abri feeling exultant. The first two minutes walking back into my house were wonderful until I picked up my mail pile and found the letter with no address. It was from an ex-boyfriend who dumped me in February- suddenly, unexpectedly. I apologized for my part in that. He said we should stay friends, so I tried. I invited him to a dinner party where he monopolized the whole conversation. He dropped by to pick up some food. Then he stopped answering. I told him I could give him more space. He said we should get together. Then he stopped returning messages.

I'm having trouble with the apology note that was left silently, anonymously, with no chance for me to participate. Can things be made right when I've tried and been rejected so many times at trying to show care and reconcile with him as a friend? This is hard for me.

L'Abri 2

I've always struggled with doubting God's goodness. That's my spiritual weakness. I understand sovereignty, power, the need to be disciplined, some theology, etc. I thought I would be assigned a stack of books to read on the subject that would satisfy my intellectual curiousity. Nothing helped.

2 days before leaving, my tutor sat me down to talk. I had determined I had done all I could to get myself unstuck in life and that I had to wait on God. He felt God was waiting for me. For what? I tried everything, was tired and wanted to give up. Giving up actually felt wonderful. My tutor said it also feels good to give up running a marathon at the 24th mile. It only feels better because you're not running. Good point. He asked me to consider forgiving God.

We forgive other people because we recognize the same weaknesses in ourselves that they have. But God has no weakness. Still I've needed to reconcile with Him. Anne Lamott said something about forgiveness as the end of hoping to have had a different past. So I'm trying to make peace with God on the past and be okay with what He for me.

I'm still struggling with the goodness aspect, but the reconciling is bringing a lot of peace.

L'Abri thoughts 1

I'm back from 2 week break from life and still adjusting again to a normal, busy, solitary, screen-filled life. I knew it was a true departure when I got back and tried to plug my cell phone recharger into the the earpiece hole. The weeks recapped:

The cast of characters was nothing like I had expected. Not a stiff intellectual to be found. There was a rowdy 17-year old guy from Texas. He was a bodybuiler, a roofer, and loved to share his worldview by roughly dividing things into 2 categories- right and retarded. He was always good for entertainment value with his yee-haws and the fake, lisping gay-man voice that I came to almost regard as his natural voice. On the opposite end of the spectrum was an actress from NY who grew up in CA. She was a vegetarian and opposite of Cowboy Man in almost every way. The other girls were all moderates trying to figure out what to do with their lives, how to understand God, and searching for the man of their dreams- feeding desire with Jane Austen movies and novels. It was good company.

I don't think you can really know someone until you live with them, see them first thing in the morning, and work side by side. So I quickly learned my friends. We ate together, did dishes together, pulled weeds together and shared our questions.

I had set out to learn about the goodness of God, but through a few twists can to understand my theme was being reconciled to God. More on this next entry...

Washington visits

This morning I went to hike 7 Bridges with a friend. The usually unfailing CO sun had taken the day off, so we hiked through the fog and mist. It was gorgeous. It brought back great memories of hiking in Rainier where everything was green and wet.

I'm all packed up. Library books have been picked up, dishes all washed, note left for roommate. I've packed for the contingencies I can think of and should be okay unless I need more than the 2 pair of shoes I brought. I feel very adventurous living with such short shoe supply and only one dress.

I love the thought of being in an academic environment where it won't matter what I look like, just what I think. Good-bye fixing of hair, jewelry and matchy outfits.

pre-L'Abri

This is my last night home before heading to L'Abri. When I scheduled this trip I felt I needed to go into this without expectation. Unfortunately, my need of God has raised the stakes. This has officially become a pilgrimage, a jousting match, and a crusade. If I had time it would seem more fitting to walk there with other saints. Maybe I should still get a special wooden necklace or something to mark the occasion.

I've been working lately on submitting to others- something I've never given a lot of thought or attention to. I feel enriched. I've been guided towards L'Abri, writing a prayer to say daily, easing more slowly into running, drinking green tea (okay- I had coffee today but at least bought the tea), and eating dairy and fruit a half hour apart. I'm hoping for more practical help in Minnesota.

dating purgatory

Today was a lunch date with a 36-year-old air force guy. We met downtown at a deli. He only paid for himself. He got his food and started eating before mine arrived. In the end I told him that it felt more like just hanging out than a date. Fortunately, I got to go see Celestial right after for the debrief. Ugh...

What was your worst date? (I'm definitely not saying this was my worst).

must get inspired

Today I left work early and decided I should get right on going for a jog. Still skittish from Saturday's snake scare, I headed to a park downtown away from desert-scape. The first 5 minutes were great. A cute man runner said hi, and I interpreted his look as saying, "you're one of the few and proud." Elation for 2 minutes. Then I got hot and thirsty. I got to wishing I had gone somewhere else in a different outfit and a different mindset. That lasted one mile. I caved.

I came home and started calling girlfriend 911. Turns out several friends suffer from the lazy butt syndrom I have and need similar inspiration. I hope we'll push each other this summer. Now I have a workout partner and a fun workout planned- hike uphill and jog down. Yes, it's wimpy but it's a start.

Was reading my messy, thrilling life blog. How does one inherit the enchanted life of summering in a log cabin. Very quaint. Very dreamy.

this weekend

This weekend I:
almost stepped on a rattle snake that assumed strike pose and rattled at me. my heart raced.
had a happy hour event that lasted 5 hours
learned how to make good sangria
went to a Sunday school class with older, wealthy, white people and discovered panty hose are
still worn in Colorado
went on a date with a very smart man. my heart didn't race at all.
got excluded and embraced for being an introvert
got jilted by a man I thought I didn't care that much about
missed Josh
watched Frontier House and wanted to move to the frontier
realized I live on the frontier and have wonderful conveniences
sat by the fire, roasted marshmellows, and loved the fire smell in my clothes the next day
remembered how wonderful my roommate was when she washed all of the party dishes
rejoiced over the fact that I have 3 days left before summer break

effort

Last night I was sharing my insightful comments on the Sex & the City movie. Most computer refused to post them, so I'll take that as my clue that the thoughts weren't worthy because they weren't about real life.

Today I have all day off to get ready for a party tonight and attempt Sangria. This promises to be another life-giving weekend with girlfriends, after a life draining week of trying to figure out men. Not working today led to quality conversations with God and time outside.

I've been watching Frontier House from Netflix. These modern families go attempt pioneer life without the help of electricity, sneakers, or toilet paper. It inspires me to want to work harder. Roommate and I spent a few hours pulling weeds and gardening last night. Today I did my first eating from the garden when I added basil to my salad. So much sweeter for the effort!

Right here

I've been telling God lately that I won't be moving. I'm waiting for him to find me right here. I'm disoriented, my compass points in the wrong direction all of the time, and I seem to be stuck in the mud. I shouldn't get any more lost. So I've been making myself comfortable here. I've used too much energy trying to get out of this place, trying to be directed and trying to be right. I'm just waiting for God to pull up like the AAA, validate my membership and get me back on the road. No more sending up flares.

There are updates from here. I've completed my first year in a new job that was a stretching experience and feels like exactly where I should be. I had coffee with a guy last night who was in the peace corps, doesn't believe in over-consumption, and has read the same books. Invitations I prayed for showed up when I needed them, and I had really good girlfriend conversations this weekend. I'm still loving to watch the garden grow. I'll see the Sex and the City movie at least twice this week.

campfire cocktails

Memorial day weekend was spent thinking about 2 soldiers. The one I broke up with who I would have been camping with this weekend and the one I'm dating and anticipating a break-up with. Thank God for distraction tonight in the form of Celestial and her willingness to humor me in a campfire cookout. We unbent wire hangers to roast hot dogs and s'mores over the fire. It was almost as good as camping. We couldn't see stars, but we could drink rum punch out of martini glasses. I think I should make this a new yearly tradition.

Garden update: The corn is sprouting and there are tiny little buds of cherry tomatoes. I check every couple of hours to see if anything new has sprung up as this is miraculous to me.

sister dilemma

I have this sister who a long time ago was diagnosed as bi-polar with personality disorder. The family never talked about it much. I think it was just considered a rough patch. She grew older, got married, had kids, became an accomplished mother, and dabbled in being a Lutheran. I believed all was well and would be well.

Then I went to visit her. I saw how much anger she has towards my parents. I saw her using her children to meet her emotional needs and telling them she never wanted them to leave her. I heard the beliefs that she had been brainwashed by the church (think your average suburban corporate standard youth group). Anger towards the alumni association, Chinese bike manufacturers, my too-easy career, not being raised to be practical or good at fixing hair. The list goes on.

I read an article about bi-polar children seeing photos of people with neutral facial expressions and believing the subjects are angry. Is this how Lillith sees the world? Have I been thinking her issues were about maturity and not realizing her issues are permanent ones I have to accept? Forever?

What is the compassionate thing to do? Hold expectations of her as an adult or let her off the hook for an illness the family never speaks about?

life maintenance

Roommate is the most industrious and non-carnal person I know. It always makes me start out with a little bit of guilt in my days of indulge. Today I got a pedicure, got a student massage, and saw a matinee. The odd little part of the day was a broken conversation with Vietnamese Pedicure Man. He held up the color I had chosen. "I like this one- spice. I see it little bit nasty. Like girl 25 and getting married and she not wearing white dress." Super. Thanks for sharing. Apparently my toes have been slutted up. Trampy little things.

White Glue says she is a magnet for people sharing their darkest secrets. I may be the magent for bizarre thoughts.

Saw the Prince Caspian movie with Pony Tale. It was good. There was this line about wondering why Aslan hadn't appeared or proved he was there to fight for his people. The response was that perhaps the people had to prove themselves to him. I wondering now about whether we have to prove ourselves to God.

like Billy says

I had coffee with a friend the other week. She mentioned she wanted to try out Weight Watchers. I said, "good for you!" I nodded in consent. This has been bothering me since. What was I consenting to?

The real answer for her should have been something about it being great that she was pursuing something she was excited about. And then a bunch of editorials on how she is already lovely, radiant, and good enough. Good hair, good smile, athletic body. Good as created.

I was in the shower last night with the song Just the Way You Are running through my mind. I need to offer that out more to people.

cerebral vacation

I booked the most cerebral vacation possible today. I've had enough people tell me I should go to L'Abri that I finally decided there was a reason. I will spend 2 weeks in June visiting sunny Rochester, MN contemplating the goodness of God and sharing in communal chores. I reserved the first flight I found within hours of hearing of space. It's official. I feel led to do this but also hesistant that I'm pursuing something that isn't easily found. I need to reconcile what my church says about God not being about our happiness vs. Captivating saying God wants us to know he thinks we're beautiful and that he's fighting for us.

Misadventure in dating- Went out with a 40-year-old pilot instructor. On my way to Shugas I see him leaving Phantom Canyon with a friend. I know it's him. After our drink he says he saw me. I play dumb.

Conventionals

I just had a horrible happy hour with the Conventionals from work. They were all playing poker later tonight with their husbands, and I clearly wasn't invited due to my broken alone status. I also have been labeled at work as being "cerebral." I suspect this status equates to boring and weird.

Girlfriend 911 dispatched me to Keen and Celestial. Keen used her beautiful, figurative language to describe why the house she's buying is the Bike Tree House. She's hip and wonderful-weird and will let me come over to watch Sex and the City with her and her fiance as our last quality time together before they tie the knot. Celestial and I commiserated about veiled mean comments.

I've spent a lot of time and effort this year trying to fit in at work. I'm not capable. Eventually the gig is up, and I fall deeper into the girl who loves reading and thrift store clothes and uncool music. Good thing I can still run to my band of Unconventionals.

fat hippies

Count yourself lucky if you have girlfriends you can talk to without the conversation drifting to things they hate about their bodies, hair, faces, skin, etc. I had a conversation yesterday with someone who wants to confront an anorexic friend. This is from a girl who eats meals exclusively when she's with her boyfriend.

Don't get me wrong. My hands aren't clean on this one. I strategize daily on how hard I should try. I'm just also glad I have friends who also talk about near miracles, great books, what they think about God, and the community they want to live in. Some days I want to go hang out at a hot springs with old, naked, saggy hippies. I think they've got important things figured out.

messy

I have this friend who's an artist. She has great, creative outfits and looks like she should be on the cover of Get a More Interesting Life magazine. Tonight she expressed concern about being too messy for other people. House not in order-- piles and dust as breeding ground for inspiration.

This was good to know because she gave me permission to be messy-- teary eyed, sweaty backed, runny nosed. It's good messy. Like when it rains and there get to be muddy puddles and worms surface from the underworld. She lets my worms surface.

crazy?

It was a rockin' Friday night of creating Sunday school crafts. After putting away the blue streamers and gummy fish supplies, I thought I should move on to something more lifestage appropriate. I got online and was searching for singles vacation tours. I'm kind of tempted by the singles cruise to Alaska. Am I crazy? It's just something to think about.

Prom Bingo

White Glue is chaperoning the prom tomorrow and hasn't gotten all worked up about what to wear and feeling old. I had to remind of the bonuses of being right where she is in life. Her husband date won't barf on her or hit on other girls. There will be no awkward posing in front of the fireplace or uncomfortable up-do with bobby pins impaled in her scalp.

If all else fails, I thought she'd feel better playing prom night bingo. Find:
1. The boy whose mom obviously helped with his hair.
2. Date that look most uncomfortable with each other.
3. Guy who obviously wants to dance but doesn't know how, so just sways conservatively.
4. Girl who needs safety pins to hold dress together.
5. Drunkest date and disgusted partner.
6. Sluttiest dancers.
7. Most elaborate up-do.

Should be a good time. I'm opting out this year.

deleted

So I deleted last night's comments. But I appreciate the responses. Thanks girls for wearing your hearts on your sleeves. We all need confessors.

per Tea's request

I was asked to list 5 things that make me a good catch. Here goes:
1. I can find creative ways to spend my time.
2. I'm low-maintenance on getting ready to leave the house and can depart at a moment's notice.
3. I'm supportive.
4. I care and can find creative ways to express that.
5. I like to be outside.

Then the 3 problems:
1. I don't balance my check book. (on the plus side, I don't overspend)
2. I'm never in the shape I want to be in. (I do exercise consistently though)
3. I can get tense and anxious. (Nothing to console myself with on this one)

There it is.

back to blog

I've been neglecting my blog because everything on my mind was too dramatic and weird (think visions of a jousting field). I got my time back tonight because I confess that I went MIA from Bible Study. The leader was showing a video I think was called, Evangelism Through Threats and False Analogies. It actually involved taking to the street with a microphone and handing out tracts that described those heathen going down like the casualities in Titanic. The whole lot of craziness was too much to absorb and embarrassing to witness.

Today at work 2 students asked if I wanted to go paintballing with them this weekend. Do I take that as a sign of friendship or a request to be used as target practice? Hmmm...

escape from the rain

It's raining/sleeting/snowing out, and I'm escaping for a night with the book club. We're reading about a woman sailing through the Virgin Island (Embarassment of Mangoes was a decent read). I'm just really hoping the traditional book club wine has been replaced with rum for the evening. (Not that sake has ever replaced the standard wine for Asian reads, but I'm hoping!)

Since I'm doing a better job of taking care of my soul this week I feel like I have more to offer my students. One said she wants to meet weekly. I got another one to contemplate doing homework as a form of self-expression.

day 1

Day one of trying to be captivating went very well. I think this was helped tremendously by a surprise chance to sleep in late. I actually wore makeup and clothes that weren't black. I then went to Starbucks and read before work. Every day should start like this! Glad to know I have solidarity as my girls join me on the journey (thanks yesterday responders!)

On a separate note, I've been using a no-recipe cooking list from Everyday Food as my kitchen muse. Two things I've been very happy with:
1. Wrap thin chicken cutlets around fontina and ham. Saute. Add crushed tomatoes and simmer.
2. Saute mushrooms. Add to a packet of sauce (pesto alfredo mixes well with soy milk). Serve over sliced store-bought polenta.

captivating

I just returned from a weekend away at the captivating retreat. It was such a good break to stop and think. My greatest realization of the weekend is that I need to break agreements I have made with the dark side. How many times a day will I need to reject these thoughts?:
1. I am ugly
2. I am fat
3. I am not chosen
4. I will always be alone
5. God will only come for the lovely.

I believe if I could permanently break my agreement with those, I would be living a different life. I just need to find a way to stay in touch with this message. I had beautiful vision this weekend that I pray to see fulfilled.

grater

I'm pretty sure the cheese grater is one of the most barbaric inventions ever created. After many years of avoiding them by just chopping cheese into small bits, I braved the grater to tonight to shred fontina. I was just finding my shred pace when I noticed the cheese had a pink marble. Oops-- not a cheese trait, just my blood as I sliced through my own finger on the very dangerous jagged edge. Beware any reader who eats my risotto!

A special ed kid came to see me today for thoughts on what he should do about his girlfriend cheating on him. It's not easy at any age or lifestage. I feel your pain kid-man.

chasing the elusive

4th date with Greg, and he reveals he has an ex-wife and son. I reveal that I work on a daily basis with kids who have step-parents they hate, and I don't want to be one. I make a mental note to always ask about this on a first date. Should first dates resemble interrogation more?

I met with my roommate as confessor and told her I'm turning a corner where I can't take this seriously anymore. She agrees that I have been chasing the elusive for too long.

exfoliant

I'm back from Lillith's trying to process the first visit ever to this sister. She tells a different story of our parents and our family life from what I've written things to be. She's all tragedy and blame. I need to find a way to wash off the dark vibes she radiates. Do spas offer such treatment? Maybe an emotional exfoliant?

Santa Fe is cancelled because my travelling companion miscarried yesterday. I hurt for her.

Now I need to find a way to get happiness and joy into spring break before my time is up. The weather is on my side. I just need a brilliant idea...

opting out

This Easter season I’ve been bad about giving everything holiday-related up that’s family oriented. I opted out of lent, skipped the non-Sunday school part of Palm Sunday, and played hooky tonight for Good Friday. For Easter I’m planning on making an Easter breakfast for others at church, but I’ll probably head home directly afterwards.

It’s not that I’m devoid of religious thoughts. The retired professor this week told me that as he grows older, he believes less but more devoutly. I’ve been reading up on the emergent movement, and it occupies my thoughts about what I resist and embrace in the church. This week I resist having to hang out around the holiday but embrace the fact that I share so many secrets with God. I love the times he sees me smile or knows something that makes me happy that no one else shares.

Happy St. Patrick's

Dear St. Patrick,
I hope you’re enjoying your big day. I wanted to stop and thank you for my favorite Irish things. You’ll be surprised to find me not mention Guinness.
1. Hard Cider- I wish they would dye this green and sell it for $2 instead of beer. (Is this Irish or English?)
2. Red Hair- I admire this so much I dye my own hair. My soul twin Jeremiah had red hair and so does Brian. I believe it conveys special powers.
3. Potatoes. Baked with broccoli and cheese.
4. U2.
5. While I don’t like those whiny, tense Celtic women, I do enjoy your livelier tunes.
6. Bread Pudding.
7. Green happy hour specials. (I imbibed a lime jello shot this evening in lieu of car bomb).

Blowing kisses to all my Irish friends today!!!

better

I'm feeling better about Brian today after burning the candle he bought for me and going out with Adam. Adam arrived in a lavender shirt. He had longish, dirty nails and was fairly effeminate. You know what kind of feminine men I like? Gay ones. Ones I watch on Project Runway. For dating it doesn't suit.

Happy Palm Sunday to all! Today I'm aware of how much we need to feel the good king is on his way. Was with the girls tonight feeling the weight of fear in approaching God and not finding his favor, not getting his goodness.